Applying a Lesson in Progress...

I want to start off by apologizing for letting things slide with the Pupping Out Project since this past summer. I had hoped and intended to launch a new series of interviews with interested pups and handlers that could be shared with the community, an initiative that will span several months and hopefully get a lot of personal stories out there.  At first I was kind of embarrassed that I’d let things slide so much. Yes, real-life needs and circumstances demanded a lot of time and attention. Still, though, I felt like I was failing in something that’s actually very important to me. And, in that light, I wasn’t sure how to re-ignite it.

But, then, I realized that something was happening that is actually very prevalent to what the Pupping Out Project was created for: sharing our experiences so that they might help someone else out there. This isn’t a “coming out of the kennel” experience. I’ve shared my own story on that already. However, it is one I know I’m not alone in experiencing; a difficulty that I’ve personally heard other pups talk about.

I had lost that feeling of connection to my inner pup. I don’t know how or when it began to happen. Likely, I never will. Somehow though, I started to become afraid of going to that place within where once I needed no coaxing at all to reach. It was only through a storm of change that I even began to realize I felt it was missing, that I’d cut myself off from it. Without it, I wasn’t centered or balanced mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Without it, I was trying to hobble forward on one leg as if I still had two. In that light, it’s really no wonder that I wasn’t getting very far.

The only reason I didn’t fall flat on my snout is that I was never really alone. And, while that’s another story, how important it is to this one cannot be understated. I say that because part of the realization came through those I call friends and family, some of whom I’m connected to more via social media than through in-person contact.

Yet now, as it reawakens, I feel more like the playful pup, more like the person who knows he’s part of something greater than himself. I’m beginning to feel centered again. I’ve actually begun to understand even better what being a pup means to me. It’s not the sum total of who or what I am as a person; it’s far more a part of my core that I realized, touching many aspects of my daily life.

I appreciate better the nature of that inner pup: a service Alpha pup. Maybe it’s odd that I would lose sight of that. It’s where my journey as a pup began (well, not necessarily an alpha, but definitely a service pup). By the same token, though, that nature has grown. In the past, it was in service to my former Mister. Today, I’m a stray, but the potential for fulfillment as a service pup is no less. In the past, I explored my dominant side. Today, I’m learning that it was never about trying to separate the pup and that dominant-oriented energy, but rather allowing it all to meld together. Then and now, it wasn’t supposed to be about extremes, but accepting it all as part of the whole package.

It’s been learning that, while in everything I do I try to give my best, the best I have to give comes when I’m connected to and grounded by that inner pup.

A Thought for Thanksgiving

“So, what are you thankful for this year?”

I have to be honest, that question has kind of thrown me this year. It isn’t that I’m an ingrate, or that life hasn’t brought me things for which I should be grateful. Overall, my life is pretty rich, and I’m thankful for all that has made it that way. At the risk of sounding like I’m spouting platitudes, I am grateful beyond words to still be with my wonderful husband, that I have a warm and caring family, that I have a job and my health, that I have been given opportunities to serve and be part of the community. Words can’t adequately express how lucky I feel for all of that.

Yet, I’d be remiss if I didn’t reflect another way as well. This year, particularly the second half of it, has been a time of some deeply-felt loss. Two collars given by me with love sit now in my drawer. I had to bid farewell to my younger brother, gone suddenly from this world. A lot over a relatively short period of time. I don’t pretend to believe I’ve bounced all the way back; the scars and the sadness are still fairly fresh. Yes, I pulled back from many things for a time recently. Sometimes, it’s just what has to be done, the only thing that can be done, to again move forward.

What does this have to do with being grateful? Am I grateful for the actual loss? Of course not.

I’m VERY grateful I listened to my Mom and to my husband, who talked me into a summer trip to upstate NY – it turned out to be the last time I saw Bobby before he passed. Something I haven’t shared with anyone, though, was that he looked right at me and said, “You’re not very happy.” He didn’t ask why; I told him only a little. Once he knew things were fine between me and Ken, he just shrugged and said to just bark, that I’d feel better.

I didn’t realize it then, but he was reminding me of what I needed to remember. It wasn’t until after he was gone that I really reflected on that and so many other things. Maybe he saw what I wasn’t seeing; that I’d lost my center. That one comment, made playfully and maybe even a little off-handedly, ended up resonating deeply, and I’ve thought on it quite a bit since then.

Meaning to or not, he pointed me toward embracing that one part I needed to re-embrace, the part I was always afraid to embrace when things got dark. And, while it took me a while to understand that, now I get it.

And, now, the next part of the journey begins. Where at first I thought it a retreating or going back, I see now it's a re-awakening to something new yet familiar...

Bobby, I probably didn’t say thank you enough. And sometimes you didn’t hear me when I did. Wherever you are now, though, I know you can hear this one: THANK YOU!

*BARK*

...And Sir as Well

Elsewhere I've previously related my experiences from my beginnings as a leatherboy through, not just my coming out of the kennel, but as a pup overall. I've captured how intense and rewarding (and occasionally saddening) the journey has been, and I look forward to what has yet to unfold. However, there is one part of that journey I haven't said much about. That's the transition I made from leatherboy to Sir. It's a transition that happened even as I grew as a pup, and continues to the present where I'm both.

Probably one of the most awkward personal questions I ever get asked is "Do I address you as Sir or do I call you Pup?" One thing that eases some of that awkwardness is that I don't expect anyone other than my boys to address me as Sir. Nevertheless, even though the reasons for asking are sincere and well-intended, it can still feel a little awkward.

 

There are a lot of feelings and struggles on this that I've never really shared. I've never been ashamed of any part of my identity as a leatherman or pup. But, there have been times when I've thought it would have been easier to be one or the other, either just a submissive pup or a Sir with boys under collar. I'm proud to be a pup, and I'm proud to be Sir to my boys. Yet, there have been times when I feel caught between the two.

 

As we so often are reminded, we live in a community with labels and identifiers. Being human, we often try to peg people into these boxes. Not necessarily out of malice or judgmentalism, but rather simply on the basis of interacting with unknowns via the barest minimum definitions. For most, it's a simple, innocent matter of comfort in how to approach people. None of us want to mistakenly approach someone as X, when they may be A or B. In the leather and kink community, where people take labels onto themselves, it takes on the added dimension, more often than not, of simply trying to be respectful.

However, over time, some of these boxes and definitions have, for reasons I still don't entirely fathom, become seen as contradictory to one another or seen as not fitting in at all. To be seen as a pup, which many still equate with being submissive, as well as a Sir runs contrary to many.

It hasn't been an easy transition; at times it's been downright confusing to me. Confusing because, even as an acknowledged Sir (and, by that, I mean acknowledged by others), I'm still Pup Tripp. Regardless of the role I have in my leather family, my inner pup and my need to be a pup haven't changed. Time and time again, people will approach me differently, depending on how I'm seen at the moment.

For example, at CLAW this past year, on Friday I was out wearing both my cover and my show tail with my kilt. On Saturday, I was in a singlet and kneepads and leather Chuck Taylors. On both days, I had my two boys proudly in tow; I was perfectly comfortable in my space on both days. Yet I was keenly aware of how differently some people approached me on Friday as compared to Saturday. Now, I appreciate and understand that much of it is born out of respect, and I'm perfectly fine with it. In fact, I look on it as a positive lesson for my own growth. I say all of this only because I noticed.

However,  there was something more, also. I was aware of some of the questioning looks thrown my way while wearing both the cover and the tail, even caught a mumble of reproach from one as I passed in the vendor area. Still, I carried myself with pride and dignity, comfortable in my own skin, knowing I'm both Pup Tripp and Sir Tripp, all in one package.

Getting to that point of self-comfort, though, wasn't easy. For the longest time, after accepting I was transitioning into a more dominant role, I still felt there were times I was supposed to choose between one or the other. Something as simple as just going to the bar could put me there. Do I leave the pup gear at home and go out in my cover, or do I put on the pup hood and other gear and go out as a pup? I was both even then, but finding the balance was elusive.

And what about my boys? Did they need me to carry myself more in the role of Sir, or were they fine if I was with them more as a pup? Was I somehow failing them or their expectations if I chose one over the other? They seem silly questions, but they're ones that I spent a lot of time wrestling with. Even as I embraced both parts of who I am, I struggled with bringing them together more often than I let on.

Fortunately, between my boys and all the pups and handlers I met during my title year, I was able to better come to grips with that internal struggle. The full package that is me was accepted in full, not piecemeal. I learned that it didn't matter that the two roles may be seen by others as contradictory. I was reassured that I'm not in some way thumbing my nose at long-held traditions and beliefs far older than my time in the community. I learned again that what mattered was that I be honest to myself and to let that honesty shine with pride and integrity. I was taught again that there is a time to let one take the lead over the other, yet both are equally important parts of who I am. Once again I was reminded just how fortunate I am to have in my life the people that are there and to be part of this community.

So, rather than try to jump between two boxes that do nothing but limit everything, I find myself wanting to toss those boxes aside and be both Pup and Sir at once. Yes, there will still be those who think it's somehow incorrect or in someway counter to certain beliefs. There will still be the looks when I wear the tail and my cover, or let my boy put me on the leash. Far more important is it to be honest to myself and about who and what I am than to hide it for fear of being judged.

So, the next part of the journey starts, and I look forward to it. Will I still on occasion feel caught between the two? Probably. I'm human, and change and growth don't happen overnight. And are the lessons ended? Not by a long shot, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

From Leatherboy to Pup

That the great journey called life is filled with experiences both profound and subtle pretty much goes without saying. And as many of us have at some point come to realize, something that seemed innocuous at the time was actually a major turning point. It’s only when we’ve moved forward from the moment far enough to reflect back and see it for what it is does that jump out at us.

This past weekend, a conversation with the man who brought my inner pup out for the very first time gave way to that kind of reflection. It was a chance to again look back at a moment that, while even at the time was filled with deep feeling, was a doorway through which I stepped into a whole new world. More importantly, it was a chance to really see how much being a part of the pup community means to me, the impact it’s had on my growth and journey, and how fortunate I am to have found my way into this great pack we have.

At the same time, it was a moment to look at where we were as a pack then and at how much things have grown and changed in what is relatively a short period of time.

But there was another realization that, after all these years, finally clicked. I didn’t realize it at the time (again, innocuous at the moment), but I encountered two things that were to affect tremendous change in my life in 2002. The first was my initial exposure to pups and puppy play. The second was meeting some of the boys from the DC boys of Leather.

This isn’t meant to be some kind of retrospective or “when I came out of the kennel” piece. However, to get to where I want to go, I do have to first look back.

My experiences in the leather and kink community have been tremendously positive ever since I first ventured into it nearly fourteen years ago. Yes, I know that 14 years is only a fraction of the experience of many who have come before me, and I don’t presume that makes me any kind of expert on anything. But those 14 years are packed with lessons learned, friendship and brotherhood shared, joys and hurts, love and loss.

And they have been packed with change. I’ve changed as a person and as part of the community. The community itself has grown and changed. Has it all been positive or constructive change? No. While most of the changes have been positive, there have been those occasional negatives that lead us to stumble. Each time, though, we’ve just dusted ourselves off and continued forward, a little wiser for the experience. Being human, however, we sometimes have to trip over the same kind of vine more than once before we realize it’s always going to tangle our feet.

With and through the DC boys, I quickly discovered and experienced a sense of brotherhood and community unlike any I had ever known. They were (and many still are) my brothers. As hard as it may be to believe, prior to my joining that club, I was actually pretty quiet. But the DC boys and my brothers in it brought out something that was just waiting to come out, to be shared and to be involved. It was a time and experience that influenced so much of my own growth in the community, and I will carry all those good memories wherever I go. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Which is why, given how rewarding and enriching my time with the DC boys of Leather was, I’m still amazed that what I’ve experienced among the pups has transcended even that. If asked at the time, I would have said it couldn’t be possible.

And I would have been completely wrong. Not that one is better than the other, only that the differences – and parallels – are so remarkable.

When I first joined the DC boys, the leatherboys as a whole were still in the process of identifying and asserting their place in the community. The concept of boys and submissives was nothing new to the leather community. Nevertheless, the leatherboys were coming together to look after and look out for each other and to help each other. They weren’t looking to take the leather community by storm, only establish a place that was their own, a place that was safe and in which boys could learn from one another. Leatherboy clubs were springing up all over the US and in Canada (the first, the DC boys of Leather, began in 1999). To be sure, there were the naysayers who either disparaged or pooh-poohed the then so-called “boy movement” or viewed the boys as community property. And there were those who used being a boy as an excuse for inappropriate behaviors that reflected negatively on the whole.

It has been the same with the pups and the evolution of the community pack that’s come into being. Pup play and pups aren’t a recent creation within the leather and kink communities; there are those who have been around for 20 years or more. Like the leatherboys before us, the pups are now coming together, to look after and look out for each other, to establish a place that’s safe for pups. A place where we can share and learn from each other. Like the leatherboys before us, the pups are at a point of finding its own identity while asserting its place within the greater community. Pup and handler clubs are coming together far and wide. Yes, we have the naysayers and disparagers. Those who disrespect our space or see us as community property. And, yes, we have those who use “pup” as an excuse for inappropriate behavior and whose behavior reflects negatively on the pup community as a whole.

What really stands out to me, however, is the intensity and speed with which the pup community has come together, adapted, and grown. Our reactions to challenges and pitfalls as a community have, in the main, been very analogous to the leatherboys. When I first came out of the kennel in 2008, there was very little organization or networking among pups. Moshes were far from commonplace.

How different it is today! In just six years – the same length of time I was with the DC boys before coming out as a pup – so much has changed. We, as a pack, have become a community in our own right, networked and connected not just all across the US, but worldwide. We’ve responded to challenges by looking for and adopting ways to better ourselves and each other rather than run pell-mell down the negative path that would tear us apart. We’ve built something in which we’re all proud, something that embraces the diversity we all bring to it. Something meant to last and to grow.

As much as I felt lucky to be one of the boys, that same feeling is even more intense when I look around at my pup brothers and sisters and know I’m one of you all. I’m reminded again that, when Jason Hall asked me how my first experience in pupspace felt, that my answer was a heartfelt “Natural.” And no matter what challenges are thrown in our way, I know we’ll overcome them, just as others have before us. As others before us successfully asserted their place among the whole, so will we. And, like those before us, we will accomplish that while maintaining and preserving that core of the pack that makes us distinct within the whole.

It’s already started.


P.S. One last little “coincidence” that bears mentioning. Jason Hall, the man who brought out my inner pup for the first time, was also one of the DC boys’ members who voted me into that club. Hmmm….)

Hell Hath No Terror

You cannot frighten me with your tales of the terrors of hell. I have faced my own inner demons in the darkest watches of the night, and either defeated them or accepted them as part of myself. And there is no worse fear than that of being lost in the inner dark of the self and not knowing if you can find the way back.

Letting the Pup Heart Shine Through

 

It doesn’t seem like a month has passed since I was in Tampa alongside three other great pups. Yet it has. The last month has flown by, what with me laying out the base plans for the remainder of my title year, getting schedules to line up and getting ready for the fun that’s sure to lie ahead. There’s so much to look forward to, and that’s where I keep my focus.

But, as I do from time to time, I look back to remember where I’ve been. For me, it’s a powerful tool to keep me on track as I go forward; to never get so caught up in what’s unfolding that I lose sight of what got me there. And, today, seeing a particular photo momentarily took me back to that weekend.

For those who don’t know, my dad left this world less than 2 weeks before the contest. In fact, his funeral was Nov. 4^th, and I was in Tampa for the contest on the 7^th. So, going into that weekend, I wasn’t far removed from that deeply-felt loss.  My dad knew I’m a pup. He may not have entirely understood what that meant, but he knew it was important to me and he was proud of me for getting out there like I do. Right before he went to sleep for the last time, I made him a promise – that I would go down to Tampa and make him proud one more time. When I made that promise, it wasn’t that I had to win, but only that I would stand up there on that stage and do my best. He actually nodded a little, so I think he heard me. It was actually one of the last things I said to him.

I’ll be honest. It wasn’t always easy during the contest weekend. It weighed heavier than I thought it would. There were a lot of times when I would think about my dad and lose focus on what I was doing. Sometimes I wondered if I was even supposed to be there. I tried to hide those moments. I didn’t want to be the dark cloud on something that was supposed to be fun for all of us involved.

The one thing that kept bringing me back out of it, though, was staying in touch with my inner pup. Being alongside the likes of Hercules, Ego, and Amp made that possible. Being among the rest of my pupbrothers and family was the much-needed reminder of what we’re all about: one big puppy pack that’s there for one another. All that pup energy kept bringing me back to myself, to the pup I am in my heart.

And, in reflecting on that, I see again the real power of the pup heart. Even through such darkness as grief, being in touch with my inner pup gave me strength and focus. It brought me back to who I am and what it is I bring into it all. For my speech, I spoke about the importance of embracing the inner pup, of raising our heads and being proud as pups. I meant it then and now, as I look back, the words take on even more meaning.  Embracing that inner pup, letting it lift you to where you know you can be, has more potential than we realize. More than ever, I begin to understand how important it is for us to remain true to who and what we are, because there lies our strength.

And as I turn my focus forward again, I’m reminded anew of the promise and the power we pups can bring to ourselves, our brothers and sisters, and those around us – just by being who we are.  We have the strength and the drive to help each other and together build a community we can be proud to call our own.

 

Back from the brink

How odd it's been having to actually resist the urge to slip into pupspace. And, yet, I feel very deeply that I made the right choice to NOT take that retreat.

The situation that brought it all about really isn't the point here. Yes, it's a situation of extreme importance and one that demands attention and resolution. But I don't want it being the focus of what I'm writing at this time.

What IS relevant to all this was a reaction of my own. How, when things seemed at their most difficult and I felt like the world was caving in, I had a powerful urge to draw back into pupspace. From the moment I felt that urge, I knew it wasn't the course to take. That it wasn't going to be an answer or resolution. That it wouldn't even be the re-energizing down time I sometimes find pupspace to be. It just didn't feel right, if that makes any sense. It felt like an avoidance, and for that reason alone I didn't give in.

In hindsight, I'm glad I listened to that countering instinct. Human problems require human thought, and avoidance only makes it all worse.

But I'm still somewhat amazed by the sheer power that draw held at a couple of points here and there. And, that as I think on it, the energy that went with it isn't the energy that defines my inner pup. At the time I didn't sense that kind of difference. Its only in retrospect that I feel it.

Maybe I got thrown another test and lesson. If so, I think I passed.

Under the stars in the Outer Banks

It’s nearing time to head back home after what feels too short a time in the Outer Banks. But, then, it always seems too short a time. OBX is definitely my favorite vacation spot. Maybe sometime we can do a week here with some friends and my immediate leather family. That would be awesome indeed!

Last night I went down alone to the beach, just to sit on the sand and listen to the waves against the shore. Above was a beautiful canopy of stars, stretching as far as the eye could see, bisected by the belt of the Milky Way itself. Truth be told, for awhile I sat there naked under the night sky, feeling the cool ocean breeze all over my body. I probably could have fallen asleep if given the chance.

And with those stars watching over me, I had time for quiet thought and reflection. I looked at many of things now going on in my life. For a brief moment, it all seemed so wonderfully connected, and I knew again just how lucky I have been and how lucky I still am. I have an awesome husband, a boy I am blessed to have under my collar, a fantastic circle of friends, and family. I’ve been given so many rewarding opportunities over the years; my path in life has been rich beyond measure.  I’m part of an astonishingly close and supportive community and know I can travel almost anywhere and find friends there waiting.

And, as I lay there looking up at the stars, I thought about the friends I knew were looking down on me. Mike Sampson, a friend from high school who passed away nearly 10 years ago. Iceman Dave, who was my pledgebrother in the DC boys. Timber, whom I still miss deeply. I thought of my grandmother, to whom I owe so much. And of my father. We were never close (owing to a separation more of his choosing than mine). I never got a lot of time with him or a chance to know him (or him me), but before he passed, he told me how proud he was of the man I’ve become.

Later today, Ken and I head back home. As much as I wish I could stay here, part of me is eager to get back to DC. What seemed before overwhelming now seems so vibrantly interwoven, and it’s time to get back to those things. What doubts I might have had about some things I want to do are now gone, and I know that I’m on the right course. There are some fun and rewarding times ahead, come what may!

So, to the Outer Banks: farewell until I return. To the future – here I come.

Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.

CLAW: To my Pupbrothers - Thank You!

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that the thing I was most looking forward to at CLAW was the chance to get together with my brother and sister pups, for the classes and the pup events. I’ve said it elsewhere, and it’s important enough to me to bear repeating. Believe me, I was in no way disappointed! Not even the unfortunate shot to the shoulder during Saturday night’s mosh put a damper on that in any way.

I don’t know if I can adequately put into words everything I get from being part of this community. I feel such a strong bond of friendship and common ground with so many of the other pups. Although it doesn’t take much to bring out the playful pup in me under any circumstances, whenever I’m around my pupbrothers, it just bubbles out on its own. Even after 10+ years of being involved in the larger leather community, after a weekend among my brother and sister pups, I feel like it’s all brand new again.

It strikes me as odd just how much more intensely I’ve come to feel all of it over the last year. While my service and commitment to the pup community goes back further, it’s within the last year that it’s taken off so much for me. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s an incredible feeling that’s both re-energizing and humbling. Re-energizing because of just how fresh I feel when coming back out of puppy-time and how it re-focuses me on so many other things I do, both within the community and on the outside.

Humbling because I’m a part of something that is so much more than myself and brings together so many. Humbling because I’m accepted for who and what I am. And humbling because others see me as an alpha among so many with so much to offer.

I want to thank each and every one of you for what is – to me – a gift beyond price. I can only hope to give back a part of what you have all given me so far. I promise to do my best.

Like all of us, it’s back to the every day world for me. But I go knowing that I, as a pup, have a place where I know I belong!

Happy 2013!

In taking a few minutes to look back over 2012, it’s immediately clear that it has been one hell of a year. There was the good and the bad, the hard times and the easy ones. But, all in all, 2012 was a good year.

This time, a year ago, I was recovering from a flu picked up while in NY for the Xmas holiday. Even more difficult, I was saddened by the unexpected passing on not one, but two very dear friends – Jeff Cheeseman and Wayne Himes. I remember not really wanting to ring in the New Year, but I knew that being with my friends would be the wiser choice. And so glad I did.  I was able to greet 2012 with a smile, a hug from my Mister, and a big kiss from my husband.

In looking at the good in 2012, I have to start with my hubby. Thinking about Ken always makes me feel bubbly. In 2012 we celebrated 13 years of being together, as well as the 2^nd anniversary of our wedding. No matter where I wander to in my travels in the community, I know he’s always ready to have his huspup hurry back to him. I’m looking forward to welcoming another New Year with him, and many more besides.

The other thing that jumps out here, though, is mingled with a not-so-good that turned out way more than I would have thought. Like I said, I began 2012 collared as Mister J’s pup. But a difficult parting of the ways came about in March. I’d be less than honest if I said there isn’t still a pang of disappointment still inside. But I still carry the valuable things Mister J taught me, I still have a great friend and a mentor, and I have 3+ years to look back on fondly.

And further still, it proved a pivotal point in my growth and a step toward the collaring of boy Tom as my own boy in November. Yes, many who know us saw this coming for awhile. In 2012 it happened, and I am very glad it did.  To have Ken welcome it as openly as he has only reinforces the course and decisions that brought us to where we are.

I hated saying farewell to my beta pup in September when he moved across the country in September. But I wish him nothing but the best. And, besides, we’ll be seeing each other here and there (MAL!).

I definitely logged some miles in 2012. Trips to Long Island for a Ravens run in March (beware the evil midget!), CLAW in April, NYC in June, upstate NY in July, several jaunts to Philly, Olympia, a second trip to Ogunquit in October (with a Boston adventure along the way), and ending in November with a trip to Tampa. But it was all fun spent with great friends. I think if I told my car “New York City,” it would know to swing through Harrisburg first and then navigate to Coyote’s!

Of the many fun events I made it to in 2012, the ones that stand out are CLAW and International Puppy. And that is because it was at those two events were I forged even stronger links with my brother pups and the pup community. CLAW has the added element that it was there where I first took on the role of handler – which it’s fair to say contributed in a big way to my collaring boy Tom. I walked away from those two events better for what I got just by being there.

  

So, 2012 has only hours left to it. 2013 will be coming in, filled with new challenges and adventures, the good and the bad, the “Oh, yeahs!” and the “WTFs?!?!” But I’m looking forward to it.

Just Reflecting

OK, so this coming Monday will be my 46th birthday.  No big deal, really. I'll have fun over the weekend leading up to it, yes.  But, then, I almost always manage to have fun.

What did get me reminiscing a little, though, was thinking back to my 18th birthday (1984).  I remembered that tomorrow, Sept. 29, marks the 28th anniversary of my graduation from US Navy boot camp.  Damn...28 years.

I still have to giggle, though, at what happened on my birthday in boot camp.  One other guy in my company also turned 18 that day.  Unlike him, though, I tried to keep the fact quiet. After 8 weeks in boot camp, I knew the last thing ya ever wanted to do was give your Company Commanders any reason to call you out. The other guy (his name was Rich, if I remember correctly), didn't think that way.

And sure as hell, the CC's called him out to cycle him for 18 minutes.  And, as he knew it was also my birthday, he told them.  So I get called out to join him.  And we got our asses cycled for 18 minutes. The full gamut of push-ups, lunges, and everything else. All in front of the rest of the company, and they all had a good laugh at our expense.

But I got the last laugh. After the 18 minutes were up, the CC's gave Rich an extra gift: they gave him my midnight fire watch for ratting me out.

Yep, I smile as I think back on it. 28 years ago, there I was just out of high school and about to wrap up boot camp. About to begin my tours over 10 years in the Navy. Ready to take on the world.

Wow!

Something to Talk About

Even though I’ve recently mentioned a lot here about change and transition for myself as a leatherman, still I find myself being surprised by little moments here and there.  I mean, for the most part, I don’t dwell on it; in the back of my mind is an awareness that these changes are happening and that the process is ongoing.  Maybe once in awhile a comment or two will be made that brings it to the fore.

I’ve never hid the fact that I want to, someday, take on a pup of my own.  I’ve experienced the handler side of things and know that it feels both natural and fulfilling.  And I’ve been able to quickly realize that having a pup means I’m in any way less of a pup myself.  If anything, it would reinforce my empathy and understanding.

But there’s been something else going along with it that I only rarely mention – and last night really stated to Ken for the first time: that I’m open to the possibility of taking on a boy. 

It’s somehow odd to be saying that and not feel uncomfortable any more.  Maybe because it’s not so much recognizing another part of myself emerging, but getting a clearer idea of something I already know is there.
 

With Ken, though, this has been putting the possibility on the table –and finding that not only did he kind of expect it, but that he actually supports the idea. So now it goes from me thinking about it to now talking with my husband about it, to see where we can take it together.

I find myself looking forward to those conversations!

To the DC boys of Leather

Sometimes moments of reflection come when we least expect them.  Maybe that’s a good thing, at least for me, because usually my mind goes quite a ways down whichever road before I realize where I’ve actually gone and I’m left with some substantial thoughts to ponder.

Right now, it’s thinking about all who have helped bring me to where I now am in my own journey. And among all the people and groups, one group stands out above all the rest:

The DC boys of Leather. 

It’s through the DC boys that I went from a very quiet novice leatherboy to the transitioning Alpha pup I am today.  So many of the people I've come to know, so many of those who've walked with me or given me wisdom and courage, I met through the DC boys.

I honestly can’t fathom where I would be without the club and, more importantly, these boys I’ve come to call – and am proud to call – brothers. It doesn’t seem possible that I’m entering my tenth year as a member of the DC boys, and yet it is. I was a pledge in the summer of 2003, voted in as a brother that following November.  One of the four remaining in the first pledge class.

Yet I can still remember it clearly.  I remember meeting Ky at Olympia in 2002, soon after I met Mikey Miller and Gene.  I still blame the three of them for getting me into this! OK, they didn’t do anything except be themselves and show me what potential could be found in the world of leather boys.  Truth is, they opened a door for me; one that I stepped through and then barely looked back at for awhile. 

When I met all three of them at the Cigar & Brandy social hosted by Mary Elizabeth Boyd during ABW 2003, I really felt the draw to the DCboL. On some level I identified with the energy they displayed as club brothers and as boys. That was when I knew I wanted to be a part of the DC boys of Leather.

Man, I was so excited to be accepted as a pledge. Energized as a pledge. And when I received my backpatch? I was so proud and elated to at last be part of it.  Heck, even today I’ll look at that well-travelled club vest and remember how I felt the first time I saw that patch on leather.

It’s been one hell of a trip since then.  Mikey Miller had plans for us new members, getting us involved to take some of the stress of the longer-serving brothers.  Plans that put us on the E-board.  Funny that it all came to pass!  In June 2004, I was elected V-P after little more than 7 months in the club. Some on the outside said I was fool to take that on so early.  But it began two years of an incredible team under Ky’s presidency, the first half of an incredible four-year high, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But there was another event in 2004 that proved just as pivotal: I stepped in as the DC boys’ AMCC rep.  In March 2004 I attended my first AMCC meeting at a Long Island Ravens’ run.  I was so scared going into that!  I hardly knew anyone there. But I made some lasting friendships, opened doors that I didn’t realize until later.  In fact, my involvement as the club’s AMCC rep alone has been one hell of a trip in itself! 

If my 2 years as Ky’s veep were the first half of a 4-year high, my first 2 years as DCboL president were the other half.  I’ll let others judge the worth and impact of those 2 year (as well as the 3^rd). I know the friendships and community relationships I forged during those years contributed to my growth in ways I’m still realizing. For me, they were fun, filled with challenges and, more importantly, countless opportunities to meet the people who make our leather tribe the diverse and vital family it really is. I gave the best I had to offer as president, but I think I gained even more.

Of course, I also know now that those few times I thought I had the brothers convinced I knew what I was doing, they were just smiling and thinking, “Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!”  I recall that when I was re-elected for the 2^nd year, I thanked them for trusting me even if I didn’t always trust myself.  Sometimes I wondered why they did at all. But I know now that, by doing so, they lifted me up to where I needed to be.

When I think on that, I see that all the nods of appreciation, the awards and honors – while I value each and every one of them – pale in comparison to the knowledge that my brothers trusted me and had my back every step of the way.

I’m lucky that I’ve never been at odds with any of my club brothers over these last 9 years.  I’ve shared laughs and fun with all them.  I’ve been a shoulder for many to cry on, and I’ve cried on more than one. I miss so many that have come and gone – and those we’ve lost. They are my friends, my brothers, and, in ways I can't fully describe, my family

“Thank you” doesn’t seem nearly enough to express how grateful I am for all you’ve given me. Being with you is the adventure of a lifetime, and one that I wouldn't trade for anything. I’m still proud of that backpatch, but that’s nothing compared to being able to point at any of you wearing it and saying “You’re my brother.”