Farewell 2011...

2011 is measured in hours.  2012 is just around the corner.

I can't say 2011 is going out well.  Yesterday marked the passing of my good friend Wayne Himes.  Today, my friend and kindred spirit Jeff Cheeseman passed.  24 hours saw the loss of two sweet souls.  Yes, there's likely one hell of a party on the other side this New Year's Eve.  On this side, though, it'll be a little somber.

But I can't really look at 2011 through completely sad eyes.  For one thing, the friendship of Wayne and Jeff and Spanky (who passed in April 2011) have enriched my life in ways I can't even begin to measure. They're gone, but not lost, and the things they each gave me I carry with me all the way.

Yes, it has been a hell of year.  The launching of the Mid-Atalantic Kennel Korps immediately springs to mind.  With it, my first CLAW, being pinned by Mama at IML, Mister J presenting His pup with a puppy hood. Competing in the Mr. DC Eagle contest and having a great time doing it.

But the one thing that has had the deepest impact and most lasting effect?  From the time I met Zech at MAL in January 2011 through now, taking the role of his Alpha pup, he's challenged alot of the things I thought I knew about myself.  Some things were reinforced, some called into question, and one or two doors opened.  I go into 2012 with some things to think about, and one or two realizations that were slow in coming to me (and likely will surpise fewer people than I think).

And, of course, another year with my wonderful husband.  I'm looking forward to many many more!

Something new...or is it?

I guess it’s fair to say I’ve taken another step in my journey.  While not necessarily a gigantic one, it’s one that cracks open a door into a different part of myself.

After careful thought and consideration – and a good deal of discussion amongst a few people, I have taken on the role of Alpha to boy zech (aka pup zinger).  We’ve been clear that iIt’s not a D/s relationship.  It’s an addition to what’s become an already strong friendship.  It’s more of a mentoring, with me in a position of some authority (still deferring to restrictions from both Mister J and Zech’s Daddy, of course.)  There’s no collaring involved (although he will receive a tag with his pup name on it).  When he’s here, it puts him under my wing.

So, there will be a small element of consensual imbalance, but not anything near the degree that defines a D/s relationship.

Yes, I welcome this.  It’s going to be a learning experience for both of us.  It has the support of the key people around us (Ken, Mister J, Daddy John), as well as our friends who know.  It’s not a sudden thing, either.  I wasn’t surprised when Zech first asked – we’d kind of hit around it before anyway.

But, also, something about this scares the hell out of me.  It’s not that I’m afraid this could damage a strong friendship.  If I thought that likely, we wouldn’t be doing this.  It’s from knowing I’m beginning to explore a new part of myself.  One that I’ve kind of known was there – and have no idea what I’m supposed to do with.

But I can’t hide from that fear either.  Guess it’s time to face it.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes, when the world seems overwhelming, all I have to do is crawl into my cage . . .