Change can be a bitch. It happens, whether we think we’re ready for it or not; whether we want it or not. But, if I’ve learned anything over the years, it usually happens because it’s what we need. Not that that makes it any easier.
Here recently I’ve had to acknowledge that change is happening in my life, that my journey as a leatherman is entering a new chapter. Part of me wants to fight it; to stay where I’ve been comfortable for so long. For the most part, though, I know that I can’t. Things have awakened within me that I have to accept as part of the whole person that is me. And while they don’t redefine the person, they certainly add new layers.
I look back over the course of my journey thus far and see noticeable differences between then and now. I can still see that quiet, extremely submissive boy who so often stayed off to the side and said little. Somewhere along the way, however, he found his footing and began to grow. He found the courage and the convictions – and the passion – that set so much in motion. Eventually, the boy found and embraced his inner pup, opening another stage of the journey. So, rather than wonder where that boy went, I have to look more at what he’s become.
The boy and the pup are with me as much as they have always been. They’re parts of me that aren’t ever going to simply vanish. But something else is emerging now. Quite honestly, I don’t feel as submissive as I have previously. Not that my view on being submissive has changed. It hasn’t, and I know that part of me remains that way. And it’s not that I have aspirations to be a Daddy or a Sir because I just don’t see it that way.
Maybe it’s the alpha taking on a more defined aspect, but I am seriously interested in taking on and training a pup of my own. I can’t say it started by taking pup Zinger has my beta, but the relationship between us definitely opened the door wider.
Of late, I’ve had moments of wondering how it all still fits together. Moments of feeling very confused and wondering where I fit in now. I don’t feel or look at things the same way. I know I still have a place, but I’m not always sure what it is right now. How does all this affect how I fit in with my club? Probably a dumb question, but it crosses my mind. How does it impact my relationship with my Mister (and the growth of both of us comes into play there). Fortunately, my relationship with my husband remains the steady ground on which I can stand as this all whirls about me.
The next few weeks promise to be enlightening, come what may.
