A Community of People

Something has been troubling me lately, a gnawing feeling that rests in the pit of my stomach. Nebulous thoughts that remain in the back of my mind, defying all efforts to be put into words. It’s not so much a new feeling, but rather one that’s been growing for awhile. The more I’ve tried to grasp it and explore it, the more the feeling grew without clarity, leaving me unable to translate it into clear thought.

However, through happenstance and the unexpected, it finally came together. Mainly via unrelated comments and conversations, peripheral incidents, and other thoughts of my own that seemed unconnected. It took stepping back and almost taking the role of an outsider looking in to finally bring it all together into one question:

When did the leather and kink community lose its focus on people?

Let me say right now, right up front, that this is not an attack on those various aspects and facets of our community that give it depth and character. This isn’t a tirade against contests and titleholders. It’s not a statement that the issues facing our community or segments within it are without substance or merit. This isn’t to detract from those relationships and lifestyles that have come to be characteristic of our community. This isn’t to diminish or dismiss the traditions that have come down through the years and lend depth and perspective to who we are.

By no means is this a statement that I’m in any way an expert on the leather and kink community. Far from it. I’m just one pup in a big world whose experiences and understanding are only a very small part in a huge mosaic. However, mine isn’t the only voice saying that things have changed, and not necessarily for the better.

When I first began to explore the leather/kink community back in 2002, one of my earliest encounters was with a small group of men who belonged to a group called the DC boys of Leather. I remember watching how they interacted with each other, the fun they were having being themselves, doing what they were doing. I remember how one of them, seeing my interest, came up and talked to me and took the time to introduce me to his club-brothers and friends. I remember how captivated I was by the brotherhood these guys had amongst them. It didn’t take me long to realize here were kindred spirits, that the DC boys of Leather was something I wanted to be part of.

It didn’t take long after joining the DC boys that I learned that same sense of brotherhood I sensed there was shared far more widely. Other people and other clubs were part of that same community, sharing and enjoying many of the same things, learning from one another, sharing not just experiences and knowledge, but true brotherhood and fun.

That’s what drew me into the community. The brotherhood and the fun. Kinky play and sex, as much as I enjoy them, quickly became secondary to that foundation. To this day, even though I’ve had fun and good times nearly every step of the way, those early days remain my fondest memories. Yes, I’m a former titleholder (and back then I held many titleholders in awe), but that wasn’t why I chose to be part of the community. It was the friendships with men and women I came to call brothers and sisters.  It was about the camaraderie and brotherhood that brought us all together. It was about being part of something that was greater than myself and thrived because we all came together.

It was about the people.

But now, something has changed. The community has changed. I have changed. I know it can’t all be for the better because I look at myself and realize I don’t like some of the things I see now. I look around me and see, not that empowering brotherhood, but division and hostility. Where there used to be sharing of ideas and experiences, I look around now and see angry debate and close-minded dismissal. Where there used to be cooperation toward the betterment of all, I see so much close-minded dismissal and bitterness.

Where it used to be about FUN, it’s becoming an arena where a light-hearted banter ends up with tempers flared and teeth bared.

Where it used to be about acceptance, it’s becoming a cycle of Us vs Them. The hate and vitriol has taken on a frightening life of its own, to the point that we’re becoming our own worst enemy.

Where it used to be about people, it’s becoming more and more about tearing people down. Brotherhood has given way to clusters of circled wagons and a cross-fire of unyielding ideals. Those fields where fertile exchange lead to growth almost seem to be becoming fewer and fewer.

What’s scary is that many of us don’t even realize we’ve played a part in this. In looking at myself, I see that I’ve made bad choices, done and said things that became part of these cycles. I see them now, and I confess myself ashamed. All I’ve ever wanted is to contribute to and build a stronger community – but some of my words and actions had the opposite effect. Now I’m choosing to accept responsibility for those actions and choices. More importantly, I’m seeing I have to move beyond them and be that person in whom I can take pride.

I wish I could say definitively where things began to change. I can’t. In looking only at my own experience, all I can see clearly is that where I was and where I am are vastly different.  Ultimately, any such exercise would likely be futile. Most likely, it’s been a number of seemingly minor things with perhaps a few major turning points here and there. And maybe it doesn’t have to matter where it changed. It’s enough to recognize that things have and that we have the power within us to make a difference.

What matters is that we’re a community, and community is made up of people. No two of us are exactly alike. We all have our own perspectives and personalities, our own experiences. We all have our likes and dislikes. No, we are not all going to agree on everything; there is no kumbaya moment to be had. But it doesn’t follow that we have to keep tearing each other down, dismissing as lesser someone just because they’re different from ourselves. Difference and disagreement are no justification for disrespect and bitter disregard. We’re all equal, and we’re all in this together.

This can’t be about waiting for others to change. All that accomplishes is the continuation and further degradation. We can’t force others to change. The only people we can change is ourselves, and it has to start there.  

I wasn’t there in the earliest days of leather. Anything I know about those days has come to me through stories and shared experiences. From those I’ve been given to understand that part of what propelled the leather culture forward was the brotherhood and the fun that came with it. I know from those days come many of the traditions that, today, many hold to be central to who we are.

What I do know is that the past, and the traditions we’ve built on the brotherhood that comes from it, won’t mean a thing if we don’t have a future.

From Leatherboy to Pup

That the great journey called life is filled with experiences both profound and subtle pretty much goes without saying. And as many of us have at some point come to realize, something that seemed innocuous at the time was actually a major turning point. It’s only when we’ve moved forward from the moment far enough to reflect back and see it for what it is does that jump out at us.

This past weekend, a conversation with the man who brought my inner pup out for the very first time gave way to that kind of reflection. It was a chance to again look back at a moment that, while even at the time was filled with deep feeling, was a doorway through which I stepped into a whole new world. More importantly, it was a chance to really see how much being a part of the pup community means to me, the impact it’s had on my growth and journey, and how fortunate I am to have found my way into this great pack we have.

At the same time, it was a moment to look at where we were as a pack then and at how much things have grown and changed in what is relatively a short period of time.

But there was another realization that, after all these years, finally clicked. I didn’t realize it at the time (again, innocuous at the moment), but I encountered two things that were to affect tremendous change in my life in 2002. The first was my initial exposure to pups and puppy play. The second was meeting some of the boys from the DC boys of Leather.

This isn’t meant to be some kind of retrospective or “when I came out of the kennel” piece. However, to get to where I want to go, I do have to first look back.

My experiences in the leather and kink community have been tremendously positive ever since I first ventured into it nearly fourteen years ago. Yes, I know that 14 years is only a fraction of the experience of many who have come before me, and I don’t presume that makes me any kind of expert on anything. But those 14 years are packed with lessons learned, friendship and brotherhood shared, joys and hurts, love and loss.

And they have been packed with change. I’ve changed as a person and as part of the community. The community itself has grown and changed. Has it all been positive or constructive change? No. While most of the changes have been positive, there have been those occasional negatives that lead us to stumble. Each time, though, we’ve just dusted ourselves off and continued forward, a little wiser for the experience. Being human, however, we sometimes have to trip over the same kind of vine more than once before we realize it’s always going to tangle our feet.

With and through the DC boys, I quickly discovered and experienced a sense of brotherhood and community unlike any I had ever known. They were (and many still are) my brothers. As hard as it may be to believe, prior to my joining that club, I was actually pretty quiet. But the DC boys and my brothers in it brought out something that was just waiting to come out, to be shared and to be involved. It was a time and experience that influenced so much of my own growth in the community, and I will carry all those good memories wherever I go. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Which is why, given how rewarding and enriching my time with the DC boys of Leather was, I’m still amazed that what I’ve experienced among the pups has transcended even that. If asked at the time, I would have said it couldn’t be possible.

And I would have been completely wrong. Not that one is better than the other, only that the differences – and parallels – are so remarkable.

When I first joined the DC boys, the leatherboys as a whole were still in the process of identifying and asserting their place in the community. The concept of boys and submissives was nothing new to the leather community. Nevertheless, the leatherboys were coming together to look after and look out for each other and to help each other. They weren’t looking to take the leather community by storm, only establish a place that was their own, a place that was safe and in which boys could learn from one another. Leatherboy clubs were springing up all over the US and in Canada (the first, the DC boys of Leather, began in 1999). To be sure, there were the naysayers who either disparaged or pooh-poohed the then so-called “boy movement” or viewed the boys as community property. And there were those who used being a boy as an excuse for inappropriate behaviors that reflected negatively on the whole.

It has been the same with the pups and the evolution of the community pack that’s come into being. Pup play and pups aren’t a recent creation within the leather and kink communities; there are those who have been around for 20 years or more. Like the leatherboys before us, the pups are now coming together, to look after and look out for each other, to establish a place that’s safe for pups. A place where we can share and learn from each other. Like the leatherboys before us, the pups are at a point of finding its own identity while asserting its place within the greater community. Pup and handler clubs are coming together far and wide. Yes, we have the naysayers and disparagers. Those who disrespect our space or see us as community property. And, yes, we have those who use “pup” as an excuse for inappropriate behavior and whose behavior reflects negatively on the pup community as a whole.

What really stands out to me, however, is the intensity and speed with which the pup community has come together, adapted, and grown. Our reactions to challenges and pitfalls as a community have, in the main, been very analogous to the leatherboys. When I first came out of the kennel in 2008, there was very little organization or networking among pups. Moshes were far from commonplace.

How different it is today! In just six years – the same length of time I was with the DC boys before coming out as a pup – so much has changed. We, as a pack, have become a community in our own right, networked and connected not just all across the US, but worldwide. We’ve responded to challenges by looking for and adopting ways to better ourselves and each other rather than run pell-mell down the negative path that would tear us apart. We’ve built something in which we’re all proud, something that embraces the diversity we all bring to it. Something meant to last and to grow.

As much as I felt lucky to be one of the boys, that same feeling is even more intense when I look around at my pup brothers and sisters and know I’m one of you all. I’m reminded again that, when Jason Hall asked me how my first experience in pupspace felt, that my answer was a heartfelt “Natural.” And no matter what challenges are thrown in our way, I know we’ll overcome them, just as others have before us. As others before us successfully asserted their place among the whole, so will we. And, like those before us, we will accomplish that while maintaining and preserving that core of the pack that makes us distinct within the whole.

It’s already started.


P.S. One last little “coincidence” that bears mentioning. Jason Hall, the man who brought out my inner pup for the first time, was also one of the DC boys’ members who voted me into that club. Hmmm….)

In Answer to a Question...

A question often comes up, both within the pup and handler community and from outside of it as well. It’s a question that stirs a great deal of discussion – some of it rather intense – and captures a wide array of viewpoints. Among pups and handlers, it’s a sometimes-awkward but ever-necessary step on our own path of self-discovery and self-identification as we emerge as a community pack. That often crosses inter-community lines as we explore it with those less involved with us toward a genuine mutual understanding. And, then, there are those ask it with a markedly different emphasis altogether.

Is the puppy community part of the leather community?

If that seems a simple, straightforward question, the reality of it is anything but simple or straightforward. The conversations surrounding it, and the passions it evokes are as many and as varied as there are people engaged or the number of arguments for either “yes” or “no.” In many ways, it goes to the heart of where the contemporary pup and handler community is in its growth and evolution.

There is no denying that the pup and handler community spans a wide array of interests and personal identifiers. There are those for whom pup play is sexual and those for whom it isn’t. To some it’s a kink, and a fetish to others. Some identify as leatherfolk; others don’t identify as such. Some include it as part of their D/s lifestyle, others don’t. We are diverse in terms of sexual orientation or gender identity. Some of us identify not just as pups, but as boys or subs, some are even Sirs or Doms. The same applies to handlers – not all are Doms and many identify with other parts of the broader kink & fetish community. There is no one-size-fits-all here.

Maybe part of the answer to the question lies in looking first at the history of pup play and the community that has grown around it.

There’s a general consensus that some of the roots of the pup and handler community can be found in leather. Part of our history includes that pup “play” was once more a form of humiliation, used to degrade or to punish. This is something found, not within just the past ten or fifteen years, but long before the emergence of what we have today. It’s there and has lent much to the shaping of what has come into being in the present. What was once used as humiliation or punishment evolved into a play and headspace in its own right, taking its place alongside a whole host of kink and fetish activities that we’ve come to accept as part of our lifestyle. There are many within the pup and handler community whose identity and involvement goes back years, well before the rise of what we see today, and a number of them have influenced what has since developed.

Also, there are roots within the emergence of the leatherboys/girls as a distinct part of the greater community. There are among us a good number who identify as boypups or first as boys but who are also pups. The number of pups who are in D/s relationships with their handlers or trainers, Daddies or Sirs isn’t small. There are many who found their way to the pup community or their own identity as pups through the leatherboys and the legacy the boys brought into the overall community as a distinct part of the whole. That many of the challenges and stumbles currently experienced by the pups and handlers today mirrors what happened in the late 90’s and early 2000’s is no coincidence.

Some of the practices and protocols we’ve brought forward and incorporated into the pup and handler community are quickly traced back to practices and traditions that were born among or adopted by leatherfolk. Where D/s relationships exist between pup and handler/Trainer/Owner, many of the traditional practices have been brought into play, from locked collars to pup play being a reward for service. Yes, there have been distinct changes in how some traditions have been adapted, but the essence of what was remains. Alpha/beta relationships can, in some ways, mirror a D/s hierarchal structure; a locked collar is still more often than not seen as a symbol of ownership.

I think, in light of just these examples (and there are more), the pup and handler community has some strong roots in the leather community. To say otherwise is to disregard where we’ve come from. Just as the pup and handler community can’t dismiss its history as part of the leather community, neither can others on the outside say we’re not connected to it.

However, like any community, ours has grown beyond its roots. What we see today, what’s grown from those seeds and roots, has blossomed into something more than what was planted. It’s fair to say that the pup and handler community is a part of the leather community, but it’s not entirely leather. Like so many other subsets of the kink & fetish world, ours has since come to intersect with a wide variety of other subsets, only one of which is the leather community. It intersects with the BDSM community, furries, the D/s communities, fetish and kink – and not all of them are entirely leather, either.

So, to again look at the question: Is the puppy community part of the leather community? 
Inasmuch as leather is a part of our history and much of what we are today can be traced back to leather, then yes.

However, the pup and handler community of today is not just leather. It’s so much more than that now. It’s a community in its own right, just as the BDSM and D/s communities are. As are the furries, the leatherwomen, bootblacks, and every other one out there. None of them – none – stand alone. Even as we each have our distinct identity, we’re also part of and bound to each other. At the individual level we identify more with some subsets than with others, and that’s perfectly fine. After all, don’t people often speak of how important our growth and journeys as individuals are?

Nevertheless, as a community pack, we’re connected to every other part of the greater whole. And we, as different parts of that greater whole, are all in it together.

So maybe it’s time to ask the next question: What can we do to look out for each other and come together as one?

The World's a Stage - And You're on in Five

This is National Coming Out Day, but the point is just as valid for the other 364 days of the year . . .

The World's a Stage - And You're on in Five

By this time, it practically goes without saying we, as brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community, still have a long way to go.  We still face an uphill battle for full equality in every area.  Rights that many of us consider basic to all citizens of this country.are still denied us. More importantly, we face a struggle for acceptance, not only by society, but of who we are on our own terms – a struggle that we see recently is costing the lives of teenagers across the country.

October is designated Gay and Lesbian History Month, with the 11th being National Coming Out Day. It’s a chance for each of us to stand up and be counted as part of a larger community. It is an opportunity we should not let slip by - but it is also one that we should not limit to just one day each year.

In the ongoing battle for equal treatment without regard to sexual orientation, visibility is one of the most powerful tools we have. To become more visible as a group is to draw more attention to our struggle as a group. The voices raised are no longer alone, but part of a larger movement. As such, it becomes more difficult to just dismiss the cries for equality.  It gives those who struggle with discrimination and prejudice a message that they aren’t alone, and hopefully, provides the strength to endure.

To remain invisible is to allow the rest of society to marginalize us and deny us equality.  It strengthens the violence that’s still too often brought against us. To remain silent is to let their lies and misrepresentations overpower the truth of who and what we really are.  To not be seen lessens our hope for a brighter future for those fighting the inner struggles.

The greater our visible number, the better we can effectively demonstrate the inequities forced on us because of our sexual orientation. Only by showing American society that we seek only the same rights and civil liberties as the heterosexual majority can we achieve social equality. Only by declaring ourselves can we show that we are no different than anyone else, that we are just as important a part of this society as anyone else.

Limiting our presence to a handful of faces and voices is not enough to get the attention of the American public or to get that message heard loud and clear.

Many of those who adamantly oppose equality for LGBTQ people condemn us as immoral, and target us as the cause of degenerating social values They would have us remain silent so that the hollowness of their arguments goes unchallenged.  They trumpet their rights in  an attempt to deny us ours.  They throw dispiriting epithets at us, dehumanize us, treat us as second-class citizens.   They resort to lies and misrepresentations and continue to dictate codes of acceptability for society as a whole, codes they then use to denigrate us.  The fear and hate brought against us is empowered, too often manifesting in physical violence and death.

Visibility ensures that we will no longer settle for such social maltreatment. Each new face behind the banner means one more voice. Each call shakes the decaying foundations of the solaced status quo.  Each call reinforces the message that we will no longer cower in fear.  We will no longer stand by and let our brothers and sisters be taunted and bullied, assaulted and killed. Our contributions, on the job and to society as a whole, are no just valid.  When we stand in strength, we show just how integral a part of the whole we truly are.

How does visibility relate to the individual? To the majority of the American public, the shouting throng waving pride flags is a crowd of nameless strangers. It is only the individual who can lend the catalyst of familiarity. When the face seen and the voice heard are known, the isolated observer is no longer disconnected.  From the ranks of the newly-vested we can draw more and more support.

Too often, I have heard another gay or lesbian person say there is nothing he or she can do. Or that there are already enough of us fighting the battles ofr acceptance and equality. Neither statement could be further from the truth! Each and every one of us needs to stand up and be counted. It is left to all of us to contribute to the struggle - because it is a struggle that affects all of us. By showing our numbers, the American public can see we are not a few isolated radicals, that previously convenient stereotypes are erroneous prejudices. We are a community of considerable size, as diverse and vibrant as any other. We show that we are friends, sons or daughters, mothers or fathers, brothers or sisters, family, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. We can show that we are thinking, feeling human beings, capable of love and caring.

Every day is an opportunity to reinforce the strength of visibility and shape it within the framework of familiarity. Don't think of it as an obligation to the gay community or the struggle for equal rights, however. It is an obligation to yourself. In the end, our triumphant achievements rest with the individuals who work together but benefit the community as a whole.

Until we finally achieve true equality within society, we must remain visible as a united community. But only the commitment and contribution of each individual provides the strength necessary to maintain the momentum of the communal effort.  We need each others’ support.  Those who fear they’re lost and alone need to know there is someone to turn to, someone out there like they them or someplace to go where they are valued.

It isn't easy.  It won't be until it no longer makes a difference.  The risks are great, to be sure.  But if each of us can do our part, that day can be brought closer.  We owe it to ourselves as much as we owe it to anyone.