Monday, May 29, 2017

There Ain't No 911 This Time.

Gay Pride month is just around the corner, but I really have to wonder right now. What exactly is it we’re proud of this year? The National Equality March is coming up in June. Exactly how do we strive and cry for equality when too many in our own leather & kink community turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the inequalities within it? How can we stand up and be heard as one when too many of the voices of our own aren’t being heard?

Yes, I know this won’t be very popular among many. Questions that address the divisions of our community seem lately to cause further division. Quite frankly, that’s because too many still refuse to see the extent and seriousness of the damage misogyny, racism, ageism, and transphobia are doing to our community. It’s because hearing those asking for nothing more than a seat at the table with everyone else disrupts a false comfort zone or challenges personal world-views. It’s because being called out for having a more privileged position in the community is a reality that encroaches on a self-deceptive sense of social complacency.

Because it means admitting that not a damn one of us in the community is perfectly innocent of having engaged in at least one of those behaviors. It means facing the fact that the paths many of us follow in our lives as leatherfolk and kinksters are strewn with far fewer obstacles and hurdles than the paths faced by our trans brothers and sisters, by POCs, by women. That’s the very definition of privilege. Construe it as you will, but the inescapable fact is that, overall, cis-gendered white males face far fewer obstacles.

When people to whom many in this community look to as role models and leaders either help profligate these inequalities or simply ignore them, all that happens is that those who look to them feel freer to engage in the behaviors - or ignore the ones they see.

If I could draw one analogy, it would be that the house is on fire. Our brothers and sisters who are transgendered or gender fluid, who are POCs, or who are women are right in the middle of it, shouting to both get out of the fire and to draw attention to the flames. Those who truly mean to be allies are taking also shouting out and trying to beat back that fire. And then there are those who seem to think it’s all a false alarm and keep on doing their thing while the fire rages in another part of the house.

There’s only one way that can end if we don’t put out that fire. People can deny it all they want. They can sit there in that other room, but they won’t escape the flames. They can hearken back to days when the house wasn’t burning, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s on fire today. (or the fact that the fire was burning unnoticed in the wall then).

Another stark reality is that there is no fire department that’s going to come and put out that fire. As I said during my step-aside as International Puppy 2014:
 “…we have to look out for each other. No one is going to do it for us.” While, at the time, I was directing that at the pup and handler community, today I direct it at all of us. We’ve got a fire to put out, and only by combatting it together can we extinguish it and, hopefully, save the house.

I’ll end this with a call for discussion, for a call to LISTEN and ENGAGE, not REACT and ATTACK. Listen to what’s being said, but avoid internalizing it. The shame isn’t in admitting we’ve all engaged in less-than-perfect behavior, it’s in becoming defensive and shutting down the conversation. Idealist that I am, I believe we have it within us to rise above this. Maybe it’s true that racism, transphobia, ageism, and misogyny aren’t going to vanish from the human condition for a while yet. But our is a history of bucking the main, of coming together in the face of adversity.

We're going to be in serious trouble if we don't.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Education For All

One of the strongest aspects of our community is how much we give to and promote education. Quite honestly, I can’t think of any other that puts such a high value on education as does our community of leatherfolk, kinksters, and fetishists. That we so openly share knowledge and experiences, both laterally and inter-generationally goes a long way toward ensuring we play safe and that the legacy of who and what we are continues. That we have such a huge of wealth of knowledge so willingly shared is one of our greatest gifts to each other.

Why, then, do we run into situations where access to educational opportunities are not made accessible to all who want to avail themselves of what’s being offered?

Before I go any further, let me be clear that I’m not targeting any one particular event or hosting organization or individual. This is in regards to something that happens throughout our community. Let me also be clear that this isn’t about dedicated play spaces. That is an entire discussion unto itself. This is strictly about opening educational opportunities to all.

It troubles me when educational opportunities are not made equally available to all at events and activities that invite mixed attendance, particularly in regards to sexual orientation and, more often, gender identification. It strikes me that such exclusion is a serious disservice to our overall community. It runs the risk of turning away those who feel excluded, people who have their own wealth of knowledge to share or whose willingness to learn would greatly enhance the community overall. Such exclusion runs diametrically contrary to the oft-promoted message that the community is a place for all to explore and to learn.

I’ve learned a lot over the years I’ve been in the community. I’m proud to say that the abundance of knowledge I’ve gained has come from a diverse spectrum of teachers and mentors. In fact, I think that having that diversity has strengthened all I’ve learned. It’s taught me things I need to know that apply universally, and things I need to know that are more situational. It’s made me more keenly aware of differences and specifics that I need to know to make my social interactions more respectful and productive – and my play safer and more enjoyable for all. The intrinsic value of the knowledge shared wasn’t defined by how we identify sexually or according to gender. I’m fairly certain I’m not alone in saying these things.


Likewise, from the point of view of sharing what I know and have learned, I want to be able to do that with all who are interested. We’re all supposed to be part of one overall community, and it feels wrong if I can’t present or teach according to that. It feels like the possibilities that arise from a sharing of knowledge are stunted if we restrict access to it.

Yes, I know I can pick and choose when and where to present or attend educational forums. Quite honestly, however, it feels like that’s a tacit condoning of unnecessary exclusion. I take great pride to be part of a community that encompasses the diversity that ours does. I feel extremely blessed to count among my friends and chosen family people of a wide variety of sexual, racial, and gender identifications. Knowing that some of them could be excluded from something I’m presenting or want to attend for my own education feels wrong.

I don’t know what the answer to this is other than further constructive conversation, to increase awareness and sensitivity to the question. However, I’m willing to be part of that conversation.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Consent Makes Everything Better

All right, one more time for those in the back: If you don’t have consent to touch, don’t touch. If you don’t have consent to touch, it’s assault.

That’s it. End of statement, drop the mic, whatever. Simple, right? Basic social etiquette, right?

Apparently not.

Yes, in the world of leather and kink, we do things that push boundaries. We push the boundaries of sexual expression and of our kinks and fetishes. Even in a world where we push boundaries, however, we also have to respect them. Ours is a culture with a legacy based on rebellion, but to keep our community safe, we still need rules. That’s where consent comes in. Quite simply, it’s respecting boundaries. It’s not imposing ourselves on another without permission. It’s respecting the personal space of others.

Or, to use the standard Red/Yellow/Green of safe words as an example, it’s not pushing unless there is a clear Green. No is No and is always Red. Absent a clear Yes or affirmative, it's not Green. 
Remember, two of the guiding principles we use in our play are built around consent: SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

The events and venues at which we gather can be highly-charged with sexual energy and playfulness. We do a lot of things in our spaces that we can’t do outside of them. We present ourselves in ways that accentuate our bodies and enhance the sexual and sensual energy. We need those spaces to be safe so that we can do those things and put our sexy as we explore our kinks and fetishes and push our own boundaries. We need to feel safe.

What we don’t need in those spaces is inconsiderate, undisciplined violation of our persons or our boundaries. What we don’t need is people engaging in those behaviors and then shrugging it off as part of their kink or fetish. What we don't need is people claiming they didn't know any better. The sanctity of those spaces depends on everyone within it playing by that one simple rule: consent. We all have the right to be in control of our bodies, and that includes being in control of who touches us and how we let them touch us. No one has the right to take that from anyone.

We go into these spaces and events to enjoy ourselves. Our individual enjoyment of them should not ever be at the expense of someone else. Our bodies are not community property to be handled by just anyone.

So, the question is, how do we impress upon those who share those spaces that consent is paramount? There needs to be both proactive effort through education, and a clear awareness of repercussions. Under no circumstances, however, should the proactive imply, implicitly or explicitly, that anyone invites invasion of their persona space just by how they dress or present themselves.

Some examples to consider:

Yes, when you’re on the elevator or at the bar, that ass you see going by does look good in those chaps or that jock. Or maybe that crotch is just so inviting you have to stick your nose into it. Think twice before reaching out to grab or feel what you’ve not been invited to touch. It’s assault and it’s criminal. Yet how many times in a bar or at an event has someone had their ass or junk grabbed at random? RED, folks! Red! If it’s more than just grabbing and there’s unwanted penetration of any degree, that’s sexual assault, possibly even rape. That’s not fun and games. What it’s called is a felony offense.

Now that same person is letting someone else touch them? That doesn’t give you permission to touch. Don’t do it RED!

Does that shoulder or armor leg look so tasty you just have to sink your teeth into it? Think again before just licking or biting without consent. Again, RED!  If you’re lucky, you’ll end up in jail with nothing broken.

You’ve been invited into the room? Awesome! Meeting new people is great. But an invitation to the room without a clear expectation of what can follow is still YELLOW. Be more clear about expectations before pushing further. At the very least it can prevent an embarrassing situation.

Remember also that consent, once given, is not permanent. For example, the play scene is going along well, and the sub has consented to what the top is doing so far. Then the top starts something else that hasn’t been negotiated and says “No.” That’s a full stop. Consent has been revoked. BIG RED if the top continues.

These are just some examples of what goes on in our community. They've all happened; we've all heard about such things.

One thing we have to do is impress that excuses are not acceptable. It doesn’t matter that the ass you groped was there. It wasn’t put out there for just anyone. Yes, we’re human and many of us like human contact. But it’s better for all if we balance that with respect for personal space and boundaries. It doesn’t matter if your fetish is rubbing lilacs on bare skin or dry-humping a boot or anything else. If the recipient of the action hasn’t consented to it, it’s wrong.

We also have to help people understand that they do not have to feel obligated to just accept these unwanted advances or invasions. We have to help people be comfortable standing up and protecting themselves against it, to know that their bodies are not community property to be handled by anyone who feels the desire. It's not always easy, and we can go a long way by empowering ourselves to not tolerate invasions of our personal space or unacceptable risks to our minds and bodies.

I’m not saying we should avoid interpersonal contact. That’s not what this community is about. What I’m saying is we need to respect what’s not ours and not engage in behavior that are invasive - and the only key to removing the invasive and making it the welcoming is to know the other person agrees to it. What I’m saying is that we, as a community, still need to be proactive in education about consent. And what I’m saying is that we need to reinforce that there are repercussions, both social and legal, for those who violate or disregard that simple rule.