A Community of People

Something has been troubling me lately, a gnawing feeling that rests in the pit of my stomach. Nebulous thoughts that remain in the back of my mind, defying all efforts to be put into words. It’s not so much a new feeling, but rather one that’s been growing for awhile. The more I’ve tried to grasp it and explore it, the more the feeling grew without clarity, leaving me unable to translate it into clear thought.

However, through happenstance and the unexpected, it finally came together. Mainly via unrelated comments and conversations, peripheral incidents, and other thoughts of my own that seemed unconnected. It took stepping back and almost taking the role of an outsider looking in to finally bring it all together into one question:

When did the leather and kink community lose its focus on people?

Let me say right now, right up front, that this is not an attack on those various aspects and facets of our community that give it depth and character. This isn’t a tirade against contests and titleholders. It’s not a statement that the issues facing our community or segments within it are without substance or merit. This isn’t to detract from those relationships and lifestyles that have come to be characteristic of our community. This isn’t to diminish or dismiss the traditions that have come down through the years and lend depth and perspective to who we are.

By no means is this a statement that I’m in any way an expert on the leather and kink community. Far from it. I’m just one pup in a big world whose experiences and understanding are only a very small part in a huge mosaic. However, mine isn’t the only voice saying that things have changed, and not necessarily for the better.

When I first began to explore the leather/kink community back in 2002, one of my earliest encounters was with a small group of men who belonged to a group called the DC boys of Leather. I remember watching how they interacted with each other, the fun they were having being themselves, doing what they were doing. I remember how one of them, seeing my interest, came up and talked to me and took the time to introduce me to his club-brothers and friends. I remember how captivated I was by the brotherhood these guys had amongst them. It didn’t take me long to realize here were kindred spirits, that the DC boys of Leather was something I wanted to be part of.

It didn’t take long after joining the DC boys that I learned that same sense of brotherhood I sensed there was shared far more widely. Other people and other clubs were part of that same community, sharing and enjoying many of the same things, learning from one another, sharing not just experiences and knowledge, but true brotherhood and fun.

That’s what drew me into the community. The brotherhood and the fun. Kinky play and sex, as much as I enjoy them, quickly became secondary to that foundation. To this day, even though I’ve had fun and good times nearly every step of the way, those early days remain my fondest memories. Yes, I’m a former titleholder (and back then I held many titleholders in awe), but that wasn’t why I chose to be part of the community. It was the friendships with men and women I came to call brothers and sisters.  It was about the camaraderie and brotherhood that brought us all together. It was about being part of something that was greater than myself and thrived because we all came together.

It was about the people.

But now, something has changed. The community has changed. I have changed. I know it can’t all be for the better because I look at myself and realize I don’t like some of the things I see now. I look around me and see, not that empowering brotherhood, but division and hostility. Where there used to be sharing of ideas and experiences, I look around now and see angry debate and close-minded dismissal. Where there used to be cooperation toward the betterment of all, I see so much close-minded dismissal and bitterness.

Where it used to be about FUN, it’s becoming an arena where a light-hearted banter ends up with tempers flared and teeth bared.

Where it used to be about acceptance, it’s becoming a cycle of Us vs Them. The hate and vitriol has taken on a frightening life of its own, to the point that we’re becoming our own worst enemy.

Where it used to be about people, it’s becoming more and more about tearing people down. Brotherhood has given way to clusters of circled wagons and a cross-fire of unyielding ideals. Those fields where fertile exchange lead to growth almost seem to be becoming fewer and fewer.

What’s scary is that many of us don’t even realize we’ve played a part in this. In looking at myself, I see that I’ve made bad choices, done and said things that became part of these cycles. I see them now, and I confess myself ashamed. All I’ve ever wanted is to contribute to and build a stronger community – but some of my words and actions had the opposite effect. Now I’m choosing to accept responsibility for those actions and choices. More importantly, I’m seeing I have to move beyond them and be that person in whom I can take pride.

I wish I could say definitively where things began to change. I can’t. In looking only at my own experience, all I can see clearly is that where I was and where I am are vastly different.  Ultimately, any such exercise would likely be futile. Most likely, it’s been a number of seemingly minor things with perhaps a few major turning points here and there. And maybe it doesn’t have to matter where it changed. It’s enough to recognize that things have and that we have the power within us to make a difference.

What matters is that we’re a community, and community is made up of people. No two of us are exactly alike. We all have our own perspectives and personalities, our own experiences. We all have our likes and dislikes. No, we are not all going to agree on everything; there is no kumbaya moment to be had. But it doesn’t follow that we have to keep tearing each other down, dismissing as lesser someone just because they’re different from ourselves. Difference and disagreement are no justification for disrespect and bitter disregard. We’re all equal, and we’re all in this together.

This can’t be about waiting for others to change. All that accomplishes is the continuation and further degradation. We can’t force others to change. The only people we can change is ourselves, and it has to start there.  

I wasn’t there in the earliest days of leather. Anything I know about those days has come to me through stories and shared experiences. From those I’ve been given to understand that part of what propelled the leather culture forward was the brotherhood and the fun that came with it. I know from those days come many of the traditions that, today, many hold to be central to who we are.

What I do know is that the past, and the traditions we’ve built on the brotherhood that comes from it, won’t mean a thing if we don’t have a future.

Applying a Lesson in Progress...

I want to start off by apologizing for letting things slide with the Pupping Out Project since this past summer. I had hoped and intended to launch a new series of interviews with interested pups and handlers that could be shared with the community, an initiative that will span several months and hopefully get a lot of personal stories out there.  At first I was kind of embarrassed that I’d let things slide so much. Yes, real-life needs and circumstances demanded a lot of time and attention. Still, though, I felt like I was failing in something that’s actually very important to me. And, in that light, I wasn’t sure how to re-ignite it.

But, then, I realized that something was happening that is actually very prevalent to what the Pupping Out Project was created for: sharing our experiences so that they might help someone else out there. This isn’t a “coming out of the kennel” experience. I’ve shared my own story on that already. However, it is one I know I’m not alone in experiencing; a difficulty that I’ve personally heard other pups talk about.

I had lost that feeling of connection to my inner pup. I don’t know how or when it began to happen. Likely, I never will. Somehow though, I started to become afraid of going to that place within where once I needed no coaxing at all to reach. It was only through a storm of change that I even began to realize I felt it was missing, that I’d cut myself off from it. Without it, I wasn’t centered or balanced mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Without it, I was trying to hobble forward on one leg as if I still had two. In that light, it’s really no wonder that I wasn’t getting very far.

The only reason I didn’t fall flat on my snout is that I was never really alone. And, while that’s another story, how important it is to this one cannot be understated. I say that because part of the realization came through those I call friends and family, some of whom I’m connected to more via social media than through in-person contact.

Yet now, as it reawakens, I feel more like the playful pup, more like the person who knows he’s part of something greater than himself. I’m beginning to feel centered again. I’ve actually begun to understand even better what being a pup means to me. It’s not the sum total of who or what I am as a person; it’s far more a part of my core that I realized, touching many aspects of my daily life.

I appreciate better the nature of that inner pup: a service Alpha pup. Maybe it’s odd that I would lose sight of that. It’s where my journey as a pup began (well, not necessarily an alpha, but definitely a service pup). By the same token, though, that nature has grown. In the past, it was in service to my former Mister. Today, I’m a stray, but the potential for fulfillment as a service pup is no less. In the past, I explored my dominant side. Today, I’m learning that it was never about trying to separate the pup and that dominant-oriented energy, but rather allowing it all to meld together. Then and now, it wasn’t supposed to be about extremes, but accepting it all as part of the whole package.

It’s been learning that, while in everything I do I try to give my best, the best I have to give comes when I’m connected to and grounded by that inner pup.

A Thought for Thanksgiving

“So, what are you thankful for this year?”

I have to be honest, that question has kind of thrown me this year. It isn’t that I’m an ingrate, or that life hasn’t brought me things for which I should be grateful. Overall, my life is pretty rich, and I’m thankful for all that has made it that way. At the risk of sounding like I’m spouting platitudes, I am grateful beyond words to still be with my wonderful husband, that I have a warm and caring family, that I have a job and my health, that I have been given opportunities to serve and be part of the community. Words can’t adequately express how lucky I feel for all of that.

Yet, I’d be remiss if I didn’t reflect another way as well. This year, particularly the second half of it, has been a time of some deeply-felt loss. Two collars given by me with love sit now in my drawer. I had to bid farewell to my younger brother, gone suddenly from this world. A lot over a relatively short period of time. I don’t pretend to believe I’ve bounced all the way back; the scars and the sadness are still fairly fresh. Yes, I pulled back from many things for a time recently. Sometimes, it’s just what has to be done, the only thing that can be done, to again move forward.

What does this have to do with being grateful? Am I grateful for the actual loss? Of course not.

I’m VERY grateful I listened to my Mom and to my husband, who talked me into a summer trip to upstate NY – it turned out to be the last time I saw Bobby before he passed. Something I haven’t shared with anyone, though, was that he looked right at me and said, “You’re not very happy.” He didn’t ask why; I told him only a little. Once he knew things were fine between me and Ken, he just shrugged and said to just bark, that I’d feel better.

I didn’t realize it then, but he was reminding me of what I needed to remember. It wasn’t until after he was gone that I really reflected on that and so many other things. Maybe he saw what I wasn’t seeing; that I’d lost my center. That one comment, made playfully and maybe even a little off-handedly, ended up resonating deeply, and I’ve thought on it quite a bit since then.

Meaning to or not, he pointed me toward embracing that one part I needed to re-embrace, the part I was always afraid to embrace when things got dark. And, while it took me a while to understand that, now I get it.

And, now, the next part of the journey begins. Where at first I thought it a retreating or going back, I see now it's a re-awakening to something new yet familiar...

Bobby, I probably didn’t say thank you enough. And sometimes you didn’t hear me when I did. Wherever you are now, though, I know you can hear this one: THANK YOU!

*BARK*

...And Sir as Well

Elsewhere I've previously related my experiences from my beginnings as a leatherboy through, not just my coming out of the kennel, but as a pup overall. I've captured how intense and rewarding (and occasionally saddening) the journey has been, and I look forward to what has yet to unfold. However, there is one part of that journey I haven't said much about. That's the transition I made from leatherboy to Sir. It's a transition that happened even as I grew as a pup, and continues to the present where I'm both.

Probably one of the most awkward personal questions I ever get asked is "Do I address you as Sir or do I call you Pup?" One thing that eases some of that awkwardness is that I don't expect anyone other than my boys to address me as Sir. Nevertheless, even though the reasons for asking are sincere and well-intended, it can still feel a little awkward.

 

There are a lot of feelings and struggles on this that I've never really shared. I've never been ashamed of any part of my identity as a leatherman or pup. But, there have been times when I've thought it would have been easier to be one or the other, either just a submissive pup or a Sir with boys under collar. I'm proud to be a pup, and I'm proud to be Sir to my boys. Yet, there have been times when I feel caught between the two.

 

As we so often are reminded, we live in a community with labels and identifiers. Being human, we often try to peg people into these boxes. Not necessarily out of malice or judgmentalism, but rather simply on the basis of interacting with unknowns via the barest minimum definitions. For most, it's a simple, innocent matter of comfort in how to approach people. None of us want to mistakenly approach someone as X, when they may be A or B. In the leather and kink community, where people take labels onto themselves, it takes on the added dimension, more often than not, of simply trying to be respectful.

However, over time, some of these boxes and definitions have, for reasons I still don't entirely fathom, become seen as contradictory to one another or seen as not fitting in at all. To be seen as a pup, which many still equate with being submissive, as well as a Sir runs contrary to many.

It hasn't been an easy transition; at times it's been downright confusing to me. Confusing because, even as an acknowledged Sir (and, by that, I mean acknowledged by others), I'm still Pup Tripp. Regardless of the role I have in my leather family, my inner pup and my need to be a pup haven't changed. Time and time again, people will approach me differently, depending on how I'm seen at the moment.

For example, at CLAW this past year, on Friday I was out wearing both my cover and my show tail with my kilt. On Saturday, I was in a singlet and kneepads and leather Chuck Taylors. On both days, I had my two boys proudly in tow; I was perfectly comfortable in my space on both days. Yet I was keenly aware of how differently some people approached me on Friday as compared to Saturday. Now, I appreciate and understand that much of it is born out of respect, and I'm perfectly fine with it. In fact, I look on it as a positive lesson for my own growth. I say all of this only because I noticed.

However,  there was something more, also. I was aware of some of the questioning looks thrown my way while wearing both the cover and the tail, even caught a mumble of reproach from one as I passed in the vendor area. Still, I carried myself with pride and dignity, comfortable in my own skin, knowing I'm both Pup Tripp and Sir Tripp, all in one package.

Getting to that point of self-comfort, though, wasn't easy. For the longest time, after accepting I was transitioning into a more dominant role, I still felt there were times I was supposed to choose between one or the other. Something as simple as just going to the bar could put me there. Do I leave the pup gear at home and go out in my cover, or do I put on the pup hood and other gear and go out as a pup? I was both even then, but finding the balance was elusive.

And what about my boys? Did they need me to carry myself more in the role of Sir, or were they fine if I was with them more as a pup? Was I somehow failing them or their expectations if I chose one over the other? They seem silly questions, but they're ones that I spent a lot of time wrestling with. Even as I embraced both parts of who I am, I struggled with bringing them together more often than I let on.

Fortunately, between my boys and all the pups and handlers I met during my title year, I was able to better come to grips with that internal struggle. The full package that is me was accepted in full, not piecemeal. I learned that it didn't matter that the two roles may be seen by others as contradictory. I was reassured that I'm not in some way thumbing my nose at long-held traditions and beliefs far older than my time in the community. I learned again that what mattered was that I be honest to myself and to let that honesty shine with pride and integrity. I was taught again that there is a time to let one take the lead over the other, yet both are equally important parts of who I am. Once again I was reminded just how fortunate I am to have in my life the people that are there and to be part of this community.

So, rather than try to jump between two boxes that do nothing but limit everything, I find myself wanting to toss those boxes aside and be both Pup and Sir at once. Yes, there will still be those who think it's somehow incorrect or in someway counter to certain beliefs. There will still be the looks when I wear the tail and my cover, or let my boy put me on the leash. Far more important is it to be honest to myself and about who and what I am than to hide it for fear of being judged.

So, the next part of the journey starts, and I look forward to it. Will I still on occasion feel caught between the two? Probably. I'm human, and change and growth don't happen overnight. And are the lessons ended? Not by a long shot, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

In Answer to a Question...

A question often comes up, both within the pup and handler community and from outside of it as well. It’s a question that stirs a great deal of discussion – some of it rather intense – and captures a wide array of viewpoints. Among pups and handlers, it’s a sometimes-awkward but ever-necessary step on our own path of self-discovery and self-identification as we emerge as a community pack. That often crosses inter-community lines as we explore it with those less involved with us toward a genuine mutual understanding. And, then, there are those ask it with a markedly different emphasis altogether.

Is the puppy community part of the leather community?

If that seems a simple, straightforward question, the reality of it is anything but simple or straightforward. The conversations surrounding it, and the passions it evokes are as many and as varied as there are people engaged or the number of arguments for either “yes” or “no.” In many ways, it goes to the heart of where the contemporary pup and handler community is in its growth and evolution.

There is no denying that the pup and handler community spans a wide array of interests and personal identifiers. There are those for whom pup play is sexual and those for whom it isn’t. To some it’s a kink, and a fetish to others. Some identify as leatherfolk; others don’t identify as such. Some include it as part of their D/s lifestyle, others don’t. We are diverse in terms of sexual orientation or gender identity. Some of us identify not just as pups, but as boys or subs, some are even Sirs or Doms. The same applies to handlers – not all are Doms and many identify with other parts of the broader kink & fetish community. There is no one-size-fits-all here.

Maybe part of the answer to the question lies in looking first at the history of pup play and the community that has grown around it.

There’s a general consensus that some of the roots of the pup and handler community can be found in leather. Part of our history includes that pup “play” was once more a form of humiliation, used to degrade or to punish. This is something found, not within just the past ten or fifteen years, but long before the emergence of what we have today. It’s there and has lent much to the shaping of what has come into being in the present. What was once used as humiliation or punishment evolved into a play and headspace in its own right, taking its place alongside a whole host of kink and fetish activities that we’ve come to accept as part of our lifestyle. There are many within the pup and handler community whose identity and involvement goes back years, well before the rise of what we see today, and a number of them have influenced what has since developed.

Also, there are roots within the emergence of the leatherboys/girls as a distinct part of the greater community. There are among us a good number who identify as boypups or first as boys but who are also pups. The number of pups who are in D/s relationships with their handlers or trainers, Daddies or Sirs isn’t small. There are many who found their way to the pup community or their own identity as pups through the leatherboys and the legacy the boys brought into the overall community as a distinct part of the whole. That many of the challenges and stumbles currently experienced by the pups and handlers today mirrors what happened in the late 90’s and early 2000’s is no coincidence.

Some of the practices and protocols we’ve brought forward and incorporated into the pup and handler community are quickly traced back to practices and traditions that were born among or adopted by leatherfolk. Where D/s relationships exist between pup and handler/Trainer/Owner, many of the traditional practices have been brought into play, from locked collars to pup play being a reward for service. Yes, there have been distinct changes in how some traditions have been adapted, but the essence of what was remains. Alpha/beta relationships can, in some ways, mirror a D/s hierarchal structure; a locked collar is still more often than not seen as a symbol of ownership.

I think, in light of just these examples (and there are more), the pup and handler community has some strong roots in the leather community. To say otherwise is to disregard where we’ve come from. Just as the pup and handler community can’t dismiss its history as part of the leather community, neither can others on the outside say we’re not connected to it.

However, like any community, ours has grown beyond its roots. What we see today, what’s grown from those seeds and roots, has blossomed into something more than what was planted. It’s fair to say that the pup and handler community is a part of the leather community, but it’s not entirely leather. Like so many other subsets of the kink & fetish world, ours has since come to intersect with a wide variety of other subsets, only one of which is the leather community. It intersects with the BDSM community, furries, the D/s communities, fetish and kink – and not all of them are entirely leather, either.

So, to again look at the question: Is the puppy community part of the leather community? 
Inasmuch as leather is a part of our history and much of what we are today can be traced back to leather, then yes.

However, the pup and handler community of today is not just leather. It’s so much more than that now. It’s a community in its own right, just as the BDSM and D/s communities are. As are the furries, the leatherwomen, bootblacks, and every other one out there. None of them – none – stand alone. Even as we each have our distinct identity, we’re also part of and bound to each other. At the individual level we identify more with some subsets than with others, and that’s perfectly fine. After all, don’t people often speak of how important our growth and journeys as individuals are?

Nevertheless, as a community pack, we’re connected to every other part of the greater whole. And we, as different parts of that greater whole, are all in it together.

So maybe it’s time to ask the next question: What can we do to look out for each other and come together as one?

How Much Is That Handler in the Window?

** Originally posted January 2014 **

Here recently I’ve come across more than one instance of a pup becoming disillusioned that they don’t have a handler. And, sometimes as a result, they begin to question their own worth or identity as a pup, sometimes to the point of wanting to just sever all ties to the puppy world. Or they leave themselves open and vulnerable to situations that are unhealthy at best that, again, can lead them to turn away from us. Some of them I’ve known personally; some I have known only through acquaintance or social networking. But all of them are good pups, gifted with a vibrant puppy heart that could be nurtured into being so much more.

To see these pups turning away is saddening. There is so much that each of them could bring to our communal puppy pack, and we lose that potential. Even more disheartening, though, is that these pups end up hurt and disillusioned to the point of shutting out a part of themselves. 

How do we convince them that it need not be this way? How do we convince them to not shut out their inner pups because the right handler or trainer hasn’t come along yet? How do we get beyond the mistaken beliefs that all handlers and trainers are only looking for X or Y in a pup, that handers’ interests are as varied as there are pups in the world.

There was one pup I knew that sometimes wondered if he’d ever find a Sir or a trainer. He came into the leather community about fourteen years ago, and found himself collared fairly soon. It turned out that that relationship wasn’t the best fit for him (it wasn’t abusive, only that it didn’t match his personality and needs). After only a year, the collar was removed and he continued his journey independently. Most didn’t know he came out of it somewhat disillusioned and unsure of the leather community.

Fortunately for him (and others as it would later turn out), he soon learned there was a very supportive and vibrant community out there. The pup (although he didn’t identify as such at the time) found other ways to get involved. He got involved, first with a local club and, through that, more of the area groups and events. He soon found he had a natural connection with the leatherfolk and kinksters and grew to have great passion for it all. It wasn’t long before he was actively contributing, finding ways to put his service to use in ways that benefitted others. More importantly, it gave him a sense of direction and purpose. What he didn’t realize at the time was just how much he was discovering  about himself.

That’s not to say he gave up the idea of ever being collared again. Through it all, that desire remained inside, tempered by knowledge that it wasn’t beyond the realm of the possible. There had been interest from Sirs he respected, but the connection was never right. And, even without the collar, he gained the incredible gifts of their friendship and mentorship.

Eventually he came face-to-face with his own inner pup. That alone opened new doors for him. But it also put a sharper edge on that want for a Sir – or as the pup wanted then, a handler. But that wasn’t in the cards yet. Again, there were those who were interested in the pup, but he just knew it wasn’t right. So he didn’t give in or give up. Instead, he continued to remain involved, learning more about himself and growing as he went. Finding those things into which he could put his energy which, in turn, brought benefit to others and reassurance to himself.

And then – almost 5½ years later, it finally happened. The pup met a potential handler with whom he felt comfortable and connected. It happened when he least expected it, and he certainly wasn’t looking for a handler when it did. The handler was someone the pup had known for years. However, that man’s own journey had only recently taken him into exploring his Dom side. Neither had ever before given thought to a D/s or Handler/pup relationship between them until one chance encounter where Sir was asked to hold the pup’s leash and look out for him for a while by the pup’s partner. And something just clicked. So here was a pup only recently out of the kennel (but long involved in the community) and an emerging Sir connecting at an unexpected moment.

The pup wasn’t a youngster by that time. He was actually in his early 40s, and the Sir was almost 15 years younger than him. He wasn’t exactly the body type seen on all the posters for events and advertisements. He had a bit of a tummy and, without his glasses, blind as bat. But he had, by that time, come to know more about himself. He may not have known what all he could bring to a D/s relationship, but he’d gained a good understanding of what he needed and hoped to find in one. And now that such a relationship was possible, he had enough insight and experience to proceed carefully, with his eyes wide open, aware that this was a serious step.

The collar didn’t go on right away. Even though both were more than interested in seeing what could develop, they took the time to discuss and explore what it would mean. They both understood that a collar isn’t just something worn, that it means something deep and significant. It was nearly two more months before the collar was presented and only then after it was clear all sides were in agreement and understood. But finally, after nearly 6 years, the pup was presented with a collar and became an owned pup.

At MAL 2009, Mister J collared Pup Tripp.

I don’t think it needs to be told what that pup went on to become.  I can say that I do understand, that I’ve been there. I can say that I know how it feels to see others collared and wonder if it would ever happen for me, once or twice to the point of wondering if I wanted to stay involved.

Yes, it is true that I am no longer under Mister J’s collar. After a little more than three years, our Handler/pup relationship ended. But, in ways, it wasn’t so much an ending as it was a new chapter. I still see part of myself as His pup (and likely always will). He remains a great friend, mentor, and someone I will always hold in high esteem.  I still get a tingle when He says He is proud of me or just “Good pup!” I firmly believe that I owe my becoming International Puppy 2014 to Him as much as to anyone else who guided me to this point.

That is why I always try to reach out to disillusioned pups, to encourage them not to give up. Because I know that it can happen when it’s least expected. More importantly, there’s a world full of experience and opportunity and learning that awaits. Everything you learn and experience makes you that much more ready when the time finally does come.

Most of all, because you’re not alone. As dark as it may sometimes feel, and while maybe your brother and sister pups can't fill the role of handler or alpha, this whole big puppy pack is still here for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections at Sunrise

There has almost always been, for me, something powerful about watching the sun rise and a new day emerge from the night. Often times we miss it, caught up in whatever else is going on that has us awake at the dawning hour, but the subtle currents are there. Yet, on those occasions when I sit or stand and just watch the sky brighten as the sun peeks over the horizon… well, I can’t think of one instance where that hasn’t somehow moved me.

This morning, as I sat by the window at the airport, watching the daybreak, it was definitely one of the powerful and memorable moments. I suppose that shouldn’t be too surprising. After all, I was getting ready for the trip back home and a return to the real world after a weekend with some pawsome pups and handlers. It’s nearly always with wistfulness that many of us make those treks home.

What struck me in that moment, though, was that feeling of being disconnected and how poignant it seemed. It was a feeling I’ve had before but never been able to put into words. A feeling of suddenly being cut off from the whole and alone.

And just as quickly it struck me that I have no reason to ever feel that way. No reason whatsoever. I don’t have to look all that far back to find a moment to remind me that I’m absolutely not alone as a pup.

But, now that my mind had gone there, as I watched that sunrise, I thought about how many others can’t look back and so quickly find a moment like that. Pups out there who want that connection so that they can feel they belong and connected. If I could feel that way in a moment of weariness and transition, how does it feel to those who live it day after day?

We know those pups are out there. We see it almost every day via social networking. And many of us, via those same social networks, offer up sincere words of encouragement and virtual nuzzles to our brothers and sisters in need. This is a good first step in building up those connections to the whole and fostering the sense of belonging and inclusion. Never in a million years would I discourage it.

The pup community is overwhelmingly supportive and inclusive. No, it’s not universal. No community can ever claim that. However, unlike many, there seems a greater awareness and embracing of our diversity. That often translates into encouragement and support coming from many corners and kennels to a pup in need or even one just having a rough time. IN all my time in the leather community, I’ve never seen anything like we see it here.

But what else can we do? A virtual hug, no matter how sincere, doesn’t convey the reassurance and comfort of a real one. The same would seem to logically apply to being connected to the pup community via real ties and not just the electronic ones of Facebook. There’s a vast difference between reading about the ties of pack brotherhood and actually being surrounded by it and feeling it all around. It has to be very difficult to see so much going on here and there in the community and not be able to be a part of the fun and brotherhood. While it’s easy to say someone just has to show up, there are many factors that put it beyond the reach of some.  For those on the geographical fringe, it may not be easy getting to where the fun seems always to be.

I wish I had answers to this question. For a moment as I watched the dawn, it was disheartening that nothing came to mind. However, I’m a sucker for symbolism. And, in that dawning moment, I realized that, like the sunrise, all the resources and potential the pup community has within it can be what brightens the way. Whether as individuals or as groups and organizations, we have a lot of out there already broadening the connections amongst us all. We’ve already been doing it. This is just another day.

We talk about being one pack, inclusive and embracing. For that to truly be, it has to reach all who identify as pups and handlers.

Letting the Pup Heart Shine Through

 

It doesn’t seem like a month has passed since I was in Tampa alongside three other great pups. Yet it has. The last month has flown by, what with me laying out the base plans for the remainder of my title year, getting schedules to line up and getting ready for the fun that’s sure to lie ahead. There’s so much to look forward to, and that’s where I keep my focus.

But, as I do from time to time, I look back to remember where I’ve been. For me, it’s a powerful tool to keep me on track as I go forward; to never get so caught up in what’s unfolding that I lose sight of what got me there. And, today, seeing a particular photo momentarily took me back to that weekend.

For those who don’t know, my dad left this world less than 2 weeks before the contest. In fact, his funeral was Nov. 4^th, and I was in Tampa for the contest on the 7^th. So, going into that weekend, I wasn’t far removed from that deeply-felt loss.  My dad knew I’m a pup. He may not have entirely understood what that meant, but he knew it was important to me and he was proud of me for getting out there like I do. Right before he went to sleep for the last time, I made him a promise – that I would go down to Tampa and make him proud one more time. When I made that promise, it wasn’t that I had to win, but only that I would stand up there on that stage and do my best. He actually nodded a little, so I think he heard me. It was actually one of the last things I said to him.

I’ll be honest. It wasn’t always easy during the contest weekend. It weighed heavier than I thought it would. There were a lot of times when I would think about my dad and lose focus on what I was doing. Sometimes I wondered if I was even supposed to be there. I tried to hide those moments. I didn’t want to be the dark cloud on something that was supposed to be fun for all of us involved.

The one thing that kept bringing me back out of it, though, was staying in touch with my inner pup. Being alongside the likes of Hercules, Ego, and Amp made that possible. Being among the rest of my pupbrothers and family was the much-needed reminder of what we’re all about: one big puppy pack that’s there for one another. All that pup energy kept bringing me back to myself, to the pup I am in my heart.

And, in reflecting on that, I see again the real power of the pup heart. Even through such darkness as grief, being in touch with my inner pup gave me strength and focus. It brought me back to who I am and what it is I bring into it all. For my speech, I spoke about the importance of embracing the inner pup, of raising our heads and being proud as pups. I meant it then and now, as I look back, the words take on even more meaning.  Embracing that inner pup, letting it lift you to where you know you can be, has more potential than we realize. More than ever, I begin to understand how important it is for us to remain true to who and what we are, because there lies our strength.

And as I turn my focus forward again, I’m reminded anew of the promise and the power we pups can bring to ourselves, our brothers and sisters, and those around us – just by being who we are.  We have the strength and the drive to help each other and together build a community we can be proud to call our own.

 

The Pup and his boy

My boy posted this on Facebook’s Puppy 101 in response to a question posed about pups dealing with handlers who are also pups:

My Sir is a pup and I understood when receiving his collar that he is, and always will be, a pup at heart. I knew going into the D/s relationship that there will be times when his need to be a pup will outweigh any of my desires. Dynamics, communication and expectations are very important as we both need to be in the proper head space. Advance discussion seems to work best for me especially if we both want to pup out at the same time so we can then identify a 3rd party to watch out for us both.

There have been a couple times when I wanted to get down and play; however, most of the time, my Handler/Trainer mindset kicks right in where Sir is concerned. Prior to receiving Sir's collar, I used to handle him when his former handler/trainer was not able to be there, so that piece was already there for us both. He brought out the pup in me a year ago, which I have enjoyed immensely. There have been a few times that I wanted to be down in pup space when Sir has been in pup space. To manage my emotions around it, I remind myself that I am his boy first and that means I am his handler when he needs to be pup. I remind myself that he has placed a lot of trust in me to watch out for him and protect him and I will not let him down. That is the service I provide to him as his boy – making sure his needs are met. It is not always easy. What I love about my Sir is that he recognizes the difficulties and we talk openly about them.

From the very beginning of our D/s relationship, this has been one of the harder challenges for me. Not because I’m uncomfortable with my boy also being my handler. Strangely enough (or maybe not at all), the nature of our dynamic is such that I’m perfectly comfortable being the pup to his handler. As boy Tom points out, we went into this with the precedent of him acting as my handler when my own handler/trainer was unavailable. So I know at a very deep level that I can trust him enough to let my inner pup out and completely go with it.

No, the challenge was reconciling my being a pup with the transition from sub to Dom. I’ve often said that remaining a pup was the constant during the transition.  But, in all honesty, there were times when I thought that going further into the transition meant losing that and no longer having time to BE the pup. How could I have ever thought I would lose the pup when it’s so much a part of who I am? And, yet, that is exactly where my mind sometimes went. How could I be a handler to my boy and alpha to my beta and still be the pup I am. How can I be both pup and Dom? Eh, hindsight is, as people say, 20/20. The one presenting the challenge was me. Fortunately, this old dog can learn new tricks.

So, how can I be the pup and have my boy as the handler? Quite simply, because it’s both of us being who we are – and being comfortable with who we are. It’s not him taking control, but rather it’s the boy doing what he needs to make sure his Sir’s needs are met.  Often it means he’s setting aside his own desire to pup out in favor of giving his Sir the time needed in pupspace. A pup has to enter pupspace knowing his handler is there for his needs – my boy does just that. I know it’s not always easy for him to sublimate his own desires, and I appreciate his choice and ability to do so more than I can say.

As someone once said, the only limit to the possibilities of our relationships in the leather community is our own imaginations. For me and my boy, we have what I know is an unusual D/s dynamic.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.