Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.