A Community of People

Something has been troubling me lately, a gnawing feeling that rests in the pit of my stomach. Nebulous thoughts that remain in the back of my mind, defying all efforts to be put into words. It’s not so much a new feeling, but rather one that’s been growing for awhile. The more I’ve tried to grasp it and explore it, the more the feeling grew without clarity, leaving me unable to translate it into clear thought.

However, through happenstance and the unexpected, it finally came together. Mainly via unrelated comments and conversations, peripheral incidents, and other thoughts of my own that seemed unconnected. It took stepping back and almost taking the role of an outsider looking in to finally bring it all together into one question:

When did the leather and kink community lose its focus on people?

Let me say right now, right up front, that this is not an attack on those various aspects and facets of our community that give it depth and character. This isn’t a tirade against contests and titleholders. It’s not a statement that the issues facing our community or segments within it are without substance or merit. This isn’t to detract from those relationships and lifestyles that have come to be characteristic of our community. This isn’t to diminish or dismiss the traditions that have come down through the years and lend depth and perspective to who we are.

By no means is this a statement that I’m in any way an expert on the leather and kink community. Far from it. I’m just one pup in a big world whose experiences and understanding are only a very small part in a huge mosaic. However, mine isn’t the only voice saying that things have changed, and not necessarily for the better.

When I first began to explore the leather/kink community back in 2002, one of my earliest encounters was with a small group of men who belonged to a group called the DC boys of Leather. I remember watching how they interacted with each other, the fun they were having being themselves, doing what they were doing. I remember how one of them, seeing my interest, came up and talked to me and took the time to introduce me to his club-brothers and friends. I remember how captivated I was by the brotherhood these guys had amongst them. It didn’t take me long to realize here were kindred spirits, that the DC boys of Leather was something I wanted to be part of.

It didn’t take long after joining the DC boys that I learned that same sense of brotherhood I sensed there was shared far more widely. Other people and other clubs were part of that same community, sharing and enjoying many of the same things, learning from one another, sharing not just experiences and knowledge, but true brotherhood and fun.

That’s what drew me into the community. The brotherhood and the fun. Kinky play and sex, as much as I enjoy them, quickly became secondary to that foundation. To this day, even though I’ve had fun and good times nearly every step of the way, those early days remain my fondest memories. Yes, I’m a former titleholder (and back then I held many titleholders in awe), but that wasn’t why I chose to be part of the community. It was the friendships with men and women I came to call brothers and sisters.  It was about the camaraderie and brotherhood that brought us all together. It was about being part of something that was greater than myself and thrived because we all came together.

It was about the people.

But now, something has changed. The community has changed. I have changed. I know it can’t all be for the better because I look at myself and realize I don’t like some of the things I see now. I look around me and see, not that empowering brotherhood, but division and hostility. Where there used to be sharing of ideas and experiences, I look around now and see angry debate and close-minded dismissal. Where there used to be cooperation toward the betterment of all, I see so much close-minded dismissal and bitterness.

Where it used to be about FUN, it’s becoming an arena where a light-hearted banter ends up with tempers flared and teeth bared.

Where it used to be about acceptance, it’s becoming a cycle of Us vs Them. The hate and vitriol has taken on a frightening life of its own, to the point that we’re becoming our own worst enemy.

Where it used to be about people, it’s becoming more and more about tearing people down. Brotherhood has given way to clusters of circled wagons and a cross-fire of unyielding ideals. Those fields where fertile exchange lead to growth almost seem to be becoming fewer and fewer.

What’s scary is that many of us don’t even realize we’ve played a part in this. In looking at myself, I see that I’ve made bad choices, done and said things that became part of these cycles. I see them now, and I confess myself ashamed. All I’ve ever wanted is to contribute to and build a stronger community – but some of my words and actions had the opposite effect. Now I’m choosing to accept responsibility for those actions and choices. More importantly, I’m seeing I have to move beyond them and be that person in whom I can take pride.

I wish I could say definitively where things began to change. I can’t. In looking only at my own experience, all I can see clearly is that where I was and where I am are vastly different.  Ultimately, any such exercise would likely be futile. Most likely, it’s been a number of seemingly minor things with perhaps a few major turning points here and there. And maybe it doesn’t have to matter where it changed. It’s enough to recognize that things have and that we have the power within us to make a difference.

What matters is that we’re a community, and community is made up of people. No two of us are exactly alike. We all have our own perspectives and personalities, our own experiences. We all have our likes and dislikes. No, we are not all going to agree on everything; there is no kumbaya moment to be had. But it doesn’t follow that we have to keep tearing each other down, dismissing as lesser someone just because they’re different from ourselves. Difference and disagreement are no justification for disrespect and bitter disregard. We’re all equal, and we’re all in this together.

This can’t be about waiting for others to change. All that accomplishes is the continuation and further degradation. We can’t force others to change. The only people we can change is ourselves, and it has to start there.  

I wasn’t there in the earliest days of leather. Anything I know about those days has come to me through stories and shared experiences. From those I’ve been given to understand that part of what propelled the leather culture forward was the brotherhood and the fun that came with it. I know from those days come many of the traditions that, today, many hold to be central to who we are.

What I do know is that the past, and the traditions we’ve built on the brotherhood that comes from it, won’t mean a thing if we don’t have a future.