How Much Is That Handler in the Window?

** Originally posted January 2014 **

Here recently I’ve come across more than one instance of a pup becoming disillusioned that they don’t have a handler. And, sometimes as a result, they begin to question their own worth or identity as a pup, sometimes to the point of wanting to just sever all ties to the puppy world. Or they leave themselves open and vulnerable to situations that are unhealthy at best that, again, can lead them to turn away from us. Some of them I’ve known personally; some I have known only through acquaintance or social networking. But all of them are good pups, gifted with a vibrant puppy heart that could be nurtured into being so much more.

To see these pups turning away is saddening. There is so much that each of them could bring to our communal puppy pack, and we lose that potential. Even more disheartening, though, is that these pups end up hurt and disillusioned to the point of shutting out a part of themselves. 

How do we convince them that it need not be this way? How do we convince them to not shut out their inner pups because the right handler or trainer hasn’t come along yet? How do we get beyond the mistaken beliefs that all handlers and trainers are only looking for X or Y in a pup, that handers’ interests are as varied as there are pups in the world.

There was one pup I knew that sometimes wondered if he’d ever find a Sir or a trainer. He came into the leather community about fourteen years ago, and found himself collared fairly soon. It turned out that that relationship wasn’t the best fit for him (it wasn’t abusive, only that it didn’t match his personality and needs). After only a year, the collar was removed and he continued his journey independently. Most didn’t know he came out of it somewhat disillusioned and unsure of the leather community.

Fortunately for him (and others as it would later turn out), he soon learned there was a very supportive and vibrant community out there. The pup (although he didn’t identify as such at the time) found other ways to get involved. He got involved, first with a local club and, through that, more of the area groups and events. He soon found he had a natural connection with the leatherfolk and kinksters and grew to have great passion for it all. It wasn’t long before he was actively contributing, finding ways to put his service to use in ways that benefitted others. More importantly, it gave him a sense of direction and purpose. What he didn’t realize at the time was just how much he was discovering  about himself.

That’s not to say he gave up the idea of ever being collared again. Through it all, that desire remained inside, tempered by knowledge that it wasn’t beyond the realm of the possible. There had been interest from Sirs he respected, but the connection was never right. And, even without the collar, he gained the incredible gifts of their friendship and mentorship.

Eventually he came face-to-face with his own inner pup. That alone opened new doors for him. But it also put a sharper edge on that want for a Sir – or as the pup wanted then, a handler. But that wasn’t in the cards yet. Again, there were those who were interested in the pup, but he just knew it wasn’t right. So he didn’t give in or give up. Instead, he continued to remain involved, learning more about himself and growing as he went. Finding those things into which he could put his energy which, in turn, brought benefit to others and reassurance to himself.

And then – almost 5½ years later, it finally happened. The pup met a potential handler with whom he felt comfortable and connected. It happened when he least expected it, and he certainly wasn’t looking for a handler when it did. The handler was someone the pup had known for years. However, that man’s own journey had only recently taken him into exploring his Dom side. Neither had ever before given thought to a D/s or Handler/pup relationship between them until one chance encounter where Sir was asked to hold the pup’s leash and look out for him for a while by the pup’s partner. And something just clicked. So here was a pup only recently out of the kennel (but long involved in the community) and an emerging Sir connecting at an unexpected moment.

The pup wasn’t a youngster by that time. He was actually in his early 40s, and the Sir was almost 15 years younger than him. He wasn’t exactly the body type seen on all the posters for events and advertisements. He had a bit of a tummy and, without his glasses, blind as bat. But he had, by that time, come to know more about himself. He may not have known what all he could bring to a D/s relationship, but he’d gained a good understanding of what he needed and hoped to find in one. And now that such a relationship was possible, he had enough insight and experience to proceed carefully, with his eyes wide open, aware that this was a serious step.

The collar didn’t go on right away. Even though both were more than interested in seeing what could develop, they took the time to discuss and explore what it would mean. They both understood that a collar isn’t just something worn, that it means something deep and significant. It was nearly two more months before the collar was presented and only then after it was clear all sides were in agreement and understood. But finally, after nearly 6 years, the pup was presented with a collar and became an owned pup.

At MAL 2009, Mister J collared Pup Tripp.

I don’t think it needs to be told what that pup went on to become.  I can say that I do understand, that I’ve been there. I can say that I know how it feels to see others collared and wonder if it would ever happen for me, once or twice to the point of wondering if I wanted to stay involved.

Yes, it is true that I am no longer under Mister J’s collar. After a little more than three years, our Handler/pup relationship ended. But, in ways, it wasn’t so much an ending as it was a new chapter. I still see part of myself as His pup (and likely always will). He remains a great friend, mentor, and someone I will always hold in high esteem.  I still get a tingle when He says He is proud of me or just “Good pup!” I firmly believe that I owe my becoming International Puppy 2014 to Him as much as to anyone else who guided me to this point.

That is why I always try to reach out to disillusioned pups, to encourage them not to give up. Because I know that it can happen when it’s least expected. More importantly, there’s a world full of experience and opportunity and learning that awaits. Everything you learn and experience makes you that much more ready when the time finally does come.

Most of all, because you’re not alone. As dark as it may sometimes feel, and while maybe your brother and sister pups can't fill the role of handler or alpha, this whole big puppy pack is still here for you.