After CLAW, Part I

CLAW 11 has ended.  I’m back home, but much of the intensity is still with me.  There’s a lot for me to yet sift through, feelings and thoughts to be considered.  It won’t all be easy; I’m pretty sure it will all be for the good in the end.

I went into this, my 2^nd CLAW, with high expectations.  I was in no way disappointed.  It was great to see and spend time with friends I don’t often get to see, and that I got to make a few new ones along the way makes it that much better. CLAW is one of those events where I get reminded time and again how blessed I am to be part of the leather tribe, and it’s an awesome feeling.

I was especially looking forward to meeting up with my brother pups and the handlers/trainers.  Our pup community was well represented.  The Puppy Olympixxx and the moshes were greatly anticipated.  This year, though, it wasn’t just from looking forward to playtime as a pup, but knowing that I’d be taking the role of alpha and handler. I’ve stood poised on that threshold for a while now, and for the first time I was really stepping into that space.

It was way more than I expected.  I’m still trying to find the words to describe how it felt. There was something empowering in knowing that the pups (yes, more than one) in my care trusted me enough to go into whatever level of pupspace they reached. Something powerful in being able to empathize with them as pups while still keeping a focal center. Something fulfilling in knowing I was responsible for keeping th m well and keeping them safe.  Was it fun?  Yes.  But the fun isn’t what stays with me.  It’s the way it just felt so natural to be there.

I’m beginning to get a clearer idea of where I want to go now.  I know I’m not quite ready for it though.  There are things I still have to work through, focus to be regained.  There are questions to ask and to be answered.  But I know now that I CAN go forward, and that's the most liberating feeling of all.