Only Together...

To an aggressor, an array of enemies divided is no deterrent, not even if they are all themselves allies. All the aggressor sees is weak targets ripe for elimination. The aggressor may attempt to hide his intentions behind oily promises, may even put up the front of sharing his enemies’ desires. However, behind that pleasant façade lurks a mind bent on destroying all that does not conform to his vision of what society should be and grinding beneath his heel all opposition.

The most fervent supporters of the aggressor cannot be reasoned with. He fed them the very lies they needed to hear as balm to wounded pride. He promised to deliver them to a brighter future where their livelihoods are secure - by giving them enemies against which to rage and hate. He sang a siren song of national unity to bring them together under his leadership. They don’t see that he deceived them. He said he would ease their fears, and that is all they hear. They don’t see that he used them, stoking their fears, to reach that pinnacle where now he stands.

They don’t see that he turned the very foundations of their society into enemies to be destroyed, keeping only those that serve his purpose.

The aggressor doesn’t need to fear his enemies. They’re divided while he and his are united behind his purpose. He doesn’t even need to dirty his hands if he wants to stay above the fray. His sycophants and supporters will do all the dirty work and bloodletting for him. And one-by-one, the enemies who weakened themselves in their division fall, their voices silenced, lives reduced to less than mud on a roadside, casualties of war and systemic destruction.

Anyone who doesn’t believe we’re on the brink of that war and destruction is fooling themselves. One needs only read the histories to see that this pattern has happened before and is happening again.

We can’t afford to be fighting amongst ourselves any more. We’re already seeing the piecemeal attempt at conquering opposition: the discrediting of the media, singling out transgendered persons, the targeting of immigrants (particularly Muslims). The list goes on and on. The current regime has become adept at focusing peoples’ attention on one issue at a time while working on multiple fronts against many targets.

And what are we doing while this happens? We fight amongst ourselves. Some turn a blind eye to one thing or another in the false belief that it doesn’t affect them. We see only our own small part of the social tapestry and ignore the fire being set to it. Against a storm surge that threatens to engulf us all, too many cling to dissolving comfort zones like crumbling driftwood in the flood.

We need to come together, even with our differences, to defend and protect each other against the attack now being brought to bear. We cannot allow the “us vs. them” to continue among allies needed to take a collective stand. We have reasons upon reasons not to trust each other; our own pasts are filled with injustices in which we willing or no played some part. Our own prejudices and unyielding notions are weapons in the hands of those who seek to do us all harm. Our anger toward each other is the flaw in the links that can hold us together – a flaw those opposed to us will waste no time exploiting.

Our enemies have made it very clear what they will do to us if given the chance. We are the only ones who can deny them that opportunity – but we cannot do it if we don’t face them together. So many of the things we came to rely on in the past are not there to protect us anymore. Our government is paralyzed, our judicial systems under attack, and the media more and more discredited. The protections we thought we had are dissolving before us every day.

I believe that the future holds a time when we can move beyond the differences, that we can all be seen as thinking and feeling individuals instead of classified and segregated by labels. I believe the future holds a time when all cultural backgrounds are seen as valid instead of a basis for stereotypes and prejudice. I believe the future holds a time when we can propel ourselves together as a collective whole rather than the staggered struggle that hobbles far too many.

But we can’t reach that future if we don’t find it within ourselves to stand together now against the enemy at the gate. No, not at the gate – the enemy already got past it.

20 Years Ago Today...

Twenty years ago today…. a day I’ll never forget yet one I barely remember much about. It was the end of two weeks of terrible anxiety; it was the beginning of a whole new experience. My life changed that day, and all I can really remember about it after the pivotal moment is chewing on my keyring.

The only other thing I remember was the edge of a dream. I was working the overnight counselor shift at the rehab residence and kind of drifted off while sitting on one of the sofas. Somewhere in it I saw my grandmother and grandfather who had both passed. And they told me that I was going to be OK, that I would do what I had to do. I can’t say I wondered what it meant. While I don’t think it registered consciously, at some level I knew. Given where I had to be just a few long hours later and the fearful anxiety of the previous two weeks, how could I not?

It still didn’t lessen the impact in that room in Binghamton later that morning. When a young woman sat across the table from me and said what I’d been dreading for two weeks: the test results were positive. I was HIV+.

I remember just sitting there, stunned, my then-friend Dennis putting his arm around me. I don’t remember if I cried or anything. I can’t say if I broke at all that day. There was paperwork to be signed, and appointments to be made. I think I did it, but it was just automatic reaction. At some point we left and Dennis made sure I ate something. We must have gone back to his apartment since that’s where me truck was. At some point I made the drive back home.

I know I told my then-partner that same day. I don’t remember how or when or even where. I don’t even remember exactly how he reacted, except that I know it was with support and love.

All I remember clearly is chewing that damn keyring. I think I killed it.

And now, it’s 20 years later. I know it’s OK that I don’t remember all of it. I remember what my grandparents told me that morning, and they were right. I did what I had to do.

Remember the Prides of June

The Prides of June have pretty much passed. This year we came to see just how much division there is in the community. Not just the leather/kink community, but the LGBTQ+ community as well. The debates and disagreements are going to continue long after June 2017 is one for the history books - and it's going to leave many of us asking some very difficult questions. Sometimes, it's going to seem like it just isn't worth it, and some might wonder if there's something better somewhere else...

We all want as much of the uplifting and the positive we can get in our daily lives. We all know there’s an over-abundance of the negative and discouraging out there. Sometimes, though, the positive we need isn’t the shiny over there. It’s that glimmer of silver in the muck we’re mired in that can kindle a spark hope; that solid foothold in the quagmire that reassures us we aren’t going to drown.

That’s where we are right now.  We see around us what seems to be a raging battlefield, with opinions and rebuttals being fired off like heavy artillery. It can seem daunting or overwhelming. Maybe even exasperating. However, there's strength to be found in realizing that we are, believe it or not, right where we should be.

How can I say that, you may ask?

Quite simply, every divide and fracture we are currently seeing has been around for a long time. Go back to the earliest days of leather, even the gay rights movement, and you'll find it. It's been our dirty little secret all along, the one we didn't talk about. And, when we did, it was easy to apply superficial remedies and then go back to the status quo. The community was connected only by word of mouth and a few news articles here and then. The shadows were able to flourish in so little light.

The world is a lot more connected now. Those dirty secrets can't stay in the dark any more. Social media both shines a spotlight on them and puts them under a microscope. We can no longer deny the divides.

The question then becomes "What do we do about it?"

Now we have the opportunity to heal the fractures. But, like a fractured leg, resetting it is going to be painful as hell. Even more so because the community hobbled around on those fractures for a long time. In the end, the community – like that fractured leg – will heal if we acknowledge what we need to do to make it better.

And the first thing we have to do is LISTEN. Listen to what the voices who are crying out are saying to us. The cries being raised today are the cries that were raised a year ago, 10 years ago, even 30 and 50. But those cries have kept falling on deaf ears. Cries are being raised to draw attention to the marginalization and discrimination of trans-folk and gender-nonconforming, people of color, women, people whose sexual identity isn’t necessarily predicated on the binary of gay or straight. But these are not new cries. These have been taken up by a new generation, passed down through the years until today. How can we not expect the anger and rage that's coming out now if they’ve gone unheard for so long?

We (defined here as the community in general) had have had ample opportunity to listen all along yet failed to meaningfully do so.  We - those among us who enjoy measures of privilege that others in the community do not – are the ones who need to listen. I know people have tried to draw attention to these things over the years, and I won’t overshadow by painting everyone with the same brush. But, in some measure, we’ve all played a part in what’s brought this community to where it now stands.

I'm fully aware that that is an unpopular position. Yet to not listen seems to me to continue the cycle of marginalization and victimization we’re seeing. To defend a status quo that sacrifices equality and cohesion for the sake of personal comfort only makes an already untenable situation that much worse.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  We just have to start by listening. Listening to what those who are struggling in ways many of us can’t imagine need to feel safe and included. Learning doesn't happen when we're shouting down and raging against what we need to know - it happens when we listen.

So, what have we got to lose by just listening?

What's Anger Got to Do With It?

Looking around me today, I see a group that was for a long time marginalized – even criminalized – just for being who they are. A group of people who were oppressed by the legal and social systems of the society in which they lived. A group whose anger coalesced into active resistance suddenly found its voice and began to speak out and fight for their rights.

They had every right to be angry. They had every right to speak up and to fight. Mainstream society wasn’t going to give them equal treatment if they didn’t. And they had allies, people who agreed that a terrible wrong needed to be righted.

If it seems I’m talking about today, about those in our community who are persons of color, transgendered or gender-fluid, or women subjected to misogynistic discrimination, I’m not. I’m talking about the gay men and women, the leatherfolk and the drag queens, the trans folk and the gender-fluid who stood up post-Stonewall and began the fight for the advances toward equality we see today.

I have to wonder. Have we forgotten the anger and indignation that drove the propelled the early gay rights movement? Has the sheer force and raw emotion of it been glamorized through media and film over the last 48 years? Let’s not delude ourselves. Let’s face the truth that gay men and women, in the early days of the gay rights movement, lashed out in anger at both those who opposed them and, in some cases, those who were allies.

Sound familiar? It should. That same anger remains. The fight to wrest equality from oppression has seen advances, but not all have benefitted from them equally. There's no logical argument against the truth that the main beneficiaries of those advances are cis-gendered white males and, to a lesser extent, women (yes, I know the term “cis” didn’t exist in 1969 or the early 70’s, but in a contemporary debate I have to – and I am comfortable with – using it). The anger from being oppressed still drives - is still needed to drive – our brothers and sisters who are persons of color, transgendered or gendered fluid, and (given the misogyny we still see), women.

Let me clear. I am in no way condoning behavior that is disrespectful or threatening. I’m certainly no advocate of the violent vitriol we oft-times see. Yet, to turn away from the fight of many on the basis if the actions of a few or to not understand the source of that anger – that’s an example of privilege, one that those who came before us didn’t have and through whose work and sacrifice it even exists.

We all have grounds to be angry. The struggle for equality and acceptance isn’t ended yet. We all want to be heard and understood. But let’s also remember that it’s not advancing equally for all. The playing field and the opportunities aren’t even; many of the paths forward are strewn with obstacles and hurdles than many of us don’t have to overcome. We all face possible threats and hazards to our well-being and even our lives - but for those who are transgendered or gender non-conforming, for persons of color, for women and for people living with HIV the threats and hazards are far more numerous.

I’m not going to presume to say anyone owes anyone else anything. I’ll let the history of our community and its struggles speak for itself. Anger can be an amazing catalyst for change. But we have to understand the anger and where it's coming from if its course to affect positive change is to be directed. 

Old Problems in a Newer Light

“What’s going on in our community?”

“Why so much hate and anger?”

“Can’t we all just get along?”

These, and questions like them are really making the rounds these days. Actually, they’re good questions. They spark debate and discussion; they draw attention to issues and problems we need to address. They draw light to the darker things plaguing our community.

One thing they absolutely should NOT be doing is coming as a surprise. Quite simply, there is nothing new about the problems and divisions we’re seeing today. Acting like the disagreements and divisiveness is something suddenly appearing serves only to undermine the magnitude of what it is we have to overcome.

Let’s face it, to us older folks, everything seemed better “back in the day.” We had more fun. There was a stronger sense of brotherhood and community. Hell, even the beer tasted better! Maybe in some ways it was better. Or maybe, for us older folks, we were too caught up in the excitement as newcomers to the world of leather and kink to notice that the golden days had a bit of tarnish to them.

With the advent of social media, however, the tarnish is a lot more noticeable. Things like Facebook have put the community’s problems and issues under a microscope. Before social media, it was whole lot easier for personal prejudices and BS social politics to pass unnoticed by the main. It was easier to go unchallenged. Now, do or say something wrong on the East Coast, and the West knows about it in 5 minutes. Where previously only a handful may see or know about something, now anyone in the community who’s connected will know – and has the platform to make known their opinion.

What’s changed isn’t the presence of problems and issues. It’s that it’s that now they're being seen more widely. It's that now more incidents are being reported - and people called out. And, with it being seen as widely as it is, that makes people uncomfortable - and no one likes feeling that way.

There has always been a generational divide. Not just in our community, but throughout society and down through the years. We’ve just cloaked it under the guise of “old guard vs new guard” so we can dig into indefensible positions and not have to hear or see the whole picture. We hide in deceptive comfort zones to avoid the continuum of time and evolution that defines our beliefs and traditions.

Generationalism is only the tip of our particular iceberg, though. There's a lot more beneath the surface.

Misogyny, racism, transphobia, biphobia, internalized homophobia, ageism… they’ve been there all along. How can anyone be surprised people who are subjected to those are no longer being silent? Shaming of all varieties (bottom-, slut-, body-, victim-, etc)…all ongoing issues. And again, can we be surprised that people are saying enough is enough?

We can’t afford to continue pretending any of this is new if we’re to truthfully and honestly address the issues. Older or newer, we need to not look back through proverbial rose-colored glasses. The community is now far too intricately inter-connected for that. Likewise, we need to remember that long-term problems aren’t usually solved with short-term fixes but rather take effort and dedication toward a lasting solution.

There Ain't No 911 This Time.

Gay Pride month is just around the corner, but I really have to wonder right now. What exactly is it we’re proud of this year? The National Equality March is coming up in June. Exactly how do we strive and cry for equality when too many in our own leather & kink community turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the inequalities within it? How can we stand up and be heard as one when too many of the voices of our own aren’t being heard?

Yes, I know this won’t be very popular among many. Questions that address the divisions of our community seem lately to cause further division. Quite frankly, that’s because too many still refuse to see the extent and seriousness of the damage misogyny, racism, ageism, and transphobia are doing to our community. It’s because hearing those asking for nothing more than a seat at the table with everyone else disrupts a false comfort zone or challenges personal world-views. It’s because being called out for having a more privileged position in the community is a reality that encroaches on a self-deceptive sense of social complacency.

Because it means admitting that not a damn one of us in the community is perfectly innocent of having engaged in at least one of those behaviors. It means facing the fact that the paths many of us follow in our lives as leatherfolk and kinksters are strewn with far fewer obstacles and hurdles than the paths faced by our trans brothers and sisters, by POCs, by women. That’s the very definition of privilege. Construe it as you will, but the inescapable fact is that, overall, cis-gendered white males face far fewer obstacles.

When people to whom many in this community look to as role models and leaders either help profligate these inequalities or simply ignore them, all that happens is that those who look to them feel freer to engage in the behaviors - or ignore the ones they see.

If I could draw one analogy, it would be that the house is on fire. Our brothers and sisters who are transgendered or gender fluid, who are POCs, or who are women are right in the middle of it, shouting to both get out of the fire and to draw attention to the flames. Those who truly mean to be allies are taking also shouting out and trying to beat back that fire. And then there are those who seem to think it’s all a false alarm and keep on doing their thing while the fire rages in another part of the house.

There’s only one way that can end if we don’t put out that fire. People can deny it all they want. They can sit there in that other room, but they won’t escape the flames. They can hearken back to days when the house wasn’t burning, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s on fire today. (or the fact that the fire was burning unnoticed in the wall then).

Another stark reality is that there is no fire department that’s going to come and put out that fire. As I said during my step-aside as International Puppy 2014:  “…we have to look out for each other. No one is going to do it for us.” While, at the time, I was directing that at the pup and handler community, today I direct it at all of us. We’ve got a fire to put out, and only by combatting it together can we extinguish it and, hopefully, save the house.

I’ll end this with a call for discussion, for a call to LISTEN and ENGAGE, not REACT and ATTACK. Listen to what’s being said, but avoid internalizing it. The shame isn’t in admitting we’ve all engaged in less-than-perfect behavior, it’s in becoming defensive and shutting down the conversation. Idealist that I am, I believe we have it within us to rise above this. Maybe it’s true that racism, transphobia, ageism, and misogyny aren’t going to vanish from the human condition for a while yet. But our is a history of bucking the main, of coming together in the face of adversity.

We're going to be in serious trouble if we don't.

Education For All

One of the strongest aspects of our community is how much we give to and promote education. Quite honestly, I can’t think of any other that puts such a high value on education as does our community of leatherfolk, kinksters, and fetishists. That we so openly share knowledge and experiences, both laterally and inter-generationally goes a long way toward ensuring we play safe and that the legacy of who and what we are continues. That we have such a huge of wealth of knowledge so willingly shared is one of our greatest gifts to each other.

Why, then, do we run into situations where access to educational opportunities are not made accessible to all who want to avail themselves of what’s being offered?

Before I go any further, let me be clear that I’m not targeting any one particular event or hosting organization or individual. This is in regards to something that happens throughout our community. Let me also be clear that this isn’t about dedicated play spaces. That is an entire discussion unto itself. This is strictly about opening educational opportunities to all.

It troubles me when educational opportunities are not made equally available to all at events and activities that invite mixed attendance, particularly in regards to sexual orientation and, more often, gender identification. It strikes me that such exclusion is a serious disservice to our overall community. It runs the risk of turning away those who feel excluded, people who have their own wealth of knowledge to share or whose willingness to learn would greatly enhance the community overall. Such exclusion runs diametrically contrary to the oft-promoted message that the community is a place for all to explore and to learn.

I’ve learned a lot over the years I’ve been in the community. I’m proud to say that the abundance of knowledge I’ve gained has come from a diverse spectrum of teachers and mentors. In fact, I think that having that diversity has strengthened all I’ve learned. It’s taught me things I need to know that apply universally, and things I need to know that are more situational. It’s made me more keenly aware of differences and specifics that I need to know to make my social interactions more respectful and productive – and my play safer and more enjoyable for all. The intrinsic value of the knowledge shared wasn’t defined by how we identify sexually or according to gender. I’m fairly certain I’m not alone in saying these things.

Likewise, from the point of view of sharing what I know and have learned, I want to be able to do that with all who are interested. We’re all supposed to be part of one overall community, and it feels wrong if I can’t present or teach according to that. It feels like the possibilities that arise from a sharing of knowledge are stunted if we restrict access to it.

Yes, I know I can pick and choose when and where to present or attend educational forums. Quite honestly, however, it feels like that’s a tacit condoning of unnecessary exclusion. I take great pride to be part of a community that encompasses the diversity that ours does. I feel extremely blessed to count among my friends and chosen family people of a wide variety of sexual, racial, and gender identifications. Knowing that some of them could be excluded from something I’m presenting or want to attend for my own education feels wrong.

I don’t know what the answer to this is other than further constructive conversation, to increase awareness and sensitivity to the question. However, I’m willing to be part of that conversation.

Consent Makes Everything Better

All right, one more time for those in the back: If you don’t have consent to touch, don’t touch. If you don’t have consent to touch, it’s assault.

That’s it. End of statement, drop the mic, whatever. Simple, right? Basic social etiquette, right?

Apparently not.

Yes, in the world of leather and kink, we do things that push boundaries. We push the boundaries of sexual expression and of our kinks and fetishes. Even in a world where we push boundaries, however, we also have to respect them. Ours is a culture with a legacy based on rebellion, but to keep our community safe, we still need rules. That’s where consent comes in. Quite simply, it’s respecting boundaries. It’s not imposing ourselves on another without permission. It’s respecting the personal space of others.

Or, to use the standard Red/Yellow/Green of safe words as an example, it’s not pushing unless there is a clear Green. No is No and is always Red. Absent a clear Yes or affirmative, it's not Green. Remember, two of the guiding principles we use in our play are built around consent: SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

The events and venues at which we gather can be highly-charged with sexual energy and playfulness. We do a lot of things in our spaces that we can’t do outside of them. We present ourselves in ways that accentuate our bodies and enhance the sexual and sensual energy. We need those spaces to be safe so that we can do those things and put our sexy as we explore our kinks and fetishes and push our own boundaries. We need to feel safe.

What we don’t need in those spaces is inconsiderate, undisciplined violation of our persons or our boundaries. What we don’t need is people engaging in those behaviors and then shrugging it off as part of their kink or fetish. What we don't need is people claiming they didn't know any better. The sanctity of those spaces depends on everyone within it playing by that one simple rule: consent. We all have the right to be in control of our bodies, and that includes being in control of who touches us and how we let them touch us. No one has the right to take that from anyone.

We go into these spaces and events to enjoy ourselves. Our individual enjoyment of them should not ever be at the expense of someone else. Our bodies are not community property to be handled by just anyone.

So, the question is, how do we impress upon those who share those spaces that consent is paramount? There needs to be both proactive effort through education, and a clear awareness of repercussions. Under no circumstances, however, should the proactive imply, implicitly or explicitly, that anyone invites invasion of their persona space just by how they dress or present themselves.

Some examples to consider:

Yes, when you’re on the elevator or at the bar, that ass you see going by does look good in those chaps or that jock. Or maybe that crotch is just so inviting you have to stick your nose into it. Think twice before reaching out to grab or feel what you’ve not been invited to touch. It’s assault and it’s criminal. Yet how many times in a bar or at an event has someone had their ass or junk grabbed at random? RED, folks! Red! If it’s more than just grabbing and there’s unwanted penetration of any degree, that’s sexual assault, possibly even rape. That’s not fun and games. What it’s called is a felony offense.

Now that same person is letting someone else touch them? That doesn’t give you permission to touch. Don’t do it RED!

Does that shoulder or armor leg look so tasty you just have to sink your teeth into it? Think again before just licking or biting without consent. Again, RED!  If you’re lucky, you’ll end up in jail with nothing broken.

You’ve been invited into the room? Awesome! Meeting new people is great. But an invitation to the room without a clear expectation of what can follow is still YELLOW. Be more clear about expectations before pushing further. At the very least it can prevent an embarrassing situation.

Remember also that consent, once given, is not permanent. For example, the play scene is going along well, and the sub has consented to what the top is doing so far. Then the top starts something else that hasn’t been negotiated and says “No.” That’s a full stop. Consent has been revoked. BIG RED if the top continues.

These are just some examples of what goes on in our community. They've all happened; we've all heard about such things.

One thing we have to do is impress that excuses are not acceptable. It doesn’t matter that the ass you groped was there. It wasn’t put out there for just anyone. Yes, we’re human and many of us like human contact. But it’s better for all if we balance that with respect for personal space and boundaries. It doesn’t matter if your fetish is rubbing lilacs on bare skin or dry-humping a boot or anything else. If the recipient of the action hasn’t consented to it, it’s wrong.

We also have to help people understand that they do not have to feel obligated to just accept these unwanted advances or invasions. We have to help people be comfortable standing up and protecting themselves against it, to know that their bodies are not community property to be handled by anyone who feels the desire. It's not always easy, and we can go a long way by empowering ourselves to not tolerate invasions of our personal space or unacceptable risks to our minds and bodies.

I’m not saying we should avoid interpersonal contact. That’s not what this community is about. What I’m saying is we need to respect what’s not ours and not engage in behavior that are invasive - and the only key to removing the invasive and making it the welcoming is to know the other person agrees to it. What I’m saying is that we, as a community, still need to be proactive in education about consent. And what I’m saying is that we need to reinforce that there are repercussions, both social and legal, for those who violate or disregard that simple rule.

A Community Broken

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. Sometimes, I’m angry. I’m all these things because I’m watching a community tear itself apart, doing it at a time when we need most to come together. Something that used to give me hope and a sense of belonging somewhere has become a patchwork of divided subsets, fenced off and fearfully guarded. Something I used to take such joy and pride being part of has left me wondering where the joy and pride have gone.

I’ll say it: we aren’t a community any more. If we were, we’d be building each other up, supporting each other through the rough times and celebrating each other’s triumphs. But we’re not. We spend more time tearing each other down, jealous of other’s successes. If we were a community, we’d talk to each other, share experiences, and learn from each other. But we don’t. We shout at each other, try to drown out other opinions and perspectives, and trumpet our own experiences as the most viable. If we were a community, we’d listen to each other to understand our differences and find the common ground that works for all of us. But we aren’t a community. We shut out what others say if it conflicts with our worldview and shout at each other; common ground has become the no-man’s land on a battlefront of social discourse.

So what happened?

When I first discovered the leather community (and with it the kink and BDSM communities that co-exist alongside and within it), it was the most amazing circle of support and brother/sisterhood I’d ever encountered. Here was a place where people were welcomed because they were different from the mainstream. Here was a place that celebrated all those things that made us different – and encouraged us to explore them. Here was a place where we could let down our guard against the outside world and be who we are. Here was a community built on the legacy of what had been handed down to it through the years. In DC alone we had close to 10 different clubs, all working together for the community as a whole, and that number grew drastically throughout the Mid-Atlantic and New England areas where clubs throughout those regions came together under one council to coordinate different events and goings-on.

And it was still even more than that. It was a community where people looked out for each other. If someone needed help, a leather brother or sister was there. We built our own organizations toward the goal of helping those who needed a hand. We shared our experiences with those who wanted to learn, and we learned from those who had so much to teach. We talked among ourselves. We stood together against challenges posed us from the outside world and those who would demonize us as perverts and whatever other labels they tried to attach to us. We knew who we were.

Now it feels like so much of that is gone. Where did it go? Why does it seem we have lost our way?

I ask those questions as I look back, and I see something key missing: respect. The respect that held this community together has been worn down and eroded like rock columns in a floodtide. Now the whole structure it once supported is now teetering dangerously. How can you have a strong community when disrespect for the people within it and for the traditions it’s built upon has become so rampant? Quite simply, you can’t.

However, we can have that. There is absolutely no valid reason why the degradation of it has to continue if we care enough to do what needs to be done.

We need to treat each other with respect. We can disagree where we will on those things where our opinions and feelings differ – but there is room in this community for a tremendously large number of differences. What needs to stop is the shouting AT each other, replacing it with talking TO each other – and taking the time to stop talking at all and listen to what others are saying. Treating others respect also means being responsible for ourselves, for our words and for our actions. We need to think about what we say before we say it. Once the words are out, they cannot be taken back. It means accepting that their thoughts and ideas are just as valid as our own.

We need to respect that ours is a world that brings with it traditions – and to respect that tradition does not equate to law. They exist, whether we like or want them or not. Traditions evolve and adapt as they are passed down. It’s inevitable. There is room in this community for all manner of application when it comes to tradition. No one should be dismissing how others apply them within their own lives and relationships.

We have to respect that we are more diverse now than ever before. By respecting that fact, we give strength to those common bonds that bring us together. It also means respecting that not everyone or every subset within the community faces the same problems and challenges. Again, it comes down to listening to each other to understand those different challenges. If we’re going to call ourselves brothers and sisters and anything in between, then we have to stand together to beat those challenges, not divide ourselves into small clusters where no progress will ever be made.

Deep down, I still believe in our community, its potential, and its future. I believe in it because – as I learned when I first came into it – I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who thinks we have something worth building and preserving. But to get there, we have to stop this in-fighting. We have to learn to work through and accept our differences, not berate and despise one another for them. This has to stop being “Us vs Them” or “me vs everyone else.” We’re in this together!

If we’re going to call ourselves a community, we need to return to acting like one. There are enough on the outside who would like nothing better than to see all of what we are implode. Why are we helping them?

Growing Pains

There is a lot that has been happening within the pup and handler community, a lot that really reflects on just how much it has grown in just a relatively short time.  A number of recent discussions, some in which I was involved and others I merely observed readily prove that. Questions are being asked and answered, ideas discussed and traded. Arguments, constructive and otherwise, are happening as passion meets conflicting ideas and the drive to further assert identity is further fueled. At times it can seem almost too much at once to take in, even for those of us within the community – and can be downright confusing to those on the outside looking in.

However, no growth process is without its trials and pangs. From the moment of birth through eventual maturity, there is an endless series of bumps and falls, trials and tribulations, bruises and healing. In this regard, the pup and handler community is no different from any other that’s come before us. From the earliest days of leather down to contemporary fetish and kink, all have endured the same overall growth and the challenges that went with it. Name any one group within the broader leather/kink/fetish community, then look at the history. It’s there.

In thinking about this and in equating the growth process as a continuum beginning with its birth, I think it’s fair to say the pup and handler community has entered its adolescence. I will, of course, expound further on this. First, however, let me make a couple of points clear. To begin with, none of what follows should be construed to judge, implicitly or explicitly, that any particular thing we do is either right or wrong. Those discussions and disagreements are part of where we are in our growth, and this is in no way intended to either validate or vilify the beliefs and practices within the community. Secondly, I do have more than a passing background in psychology, with emphasis on developmental psychology. As such, I applied practical ideas and concepts to my thinking. Lastly, combining the first two, I don’t purport or believe myself to be any kind of expert on the overall pup and handler community. It is much too wide and varied, regionally and worldwide, for any to make such a claim. I’m just one pup sharing his ideas.

So, why would I say the contemporary pup and handler community has reached its adolescence? For starters, I use the qualifier “contemporary” to keep this focused on its emergence within the broader leather/kink/fetish community. Pups and pup play have been around for decades, even centuries. The pup and handler community as we know it today, however, only goes back a few years, about a decade or so (the first International Puppy was in 2001). That’s where you see the beginnings of what we have today in terms of clubs and organizations, networks and families built around pup-centric norms. So we’re still the new kids on the block when looked at as part of the cross-section of the broader community.
Before I go any further, I just want to point out that I say “we” because I’m part of it, one among many, and I’ve done a lot of things that this describes myself. It’s only been in looking back that I got a new understanding out of all of it.

Like all others before us, we had our infancy. We grew from something that came before us, in this case the leather/kink/fetish community. In some ways, one could make the case that they are the “parent” figure in this model. We had to learn our way in a world that was already there, akin to learning to walk (two steps and then a dead run). We bumped into things along the way, sometimes fell because we didn’t know any better. We had those that were there and willing to help, trying to guide us (some of whom we call packbrothers and sisters but were also part of what was already there). We had to endure a lot of “Oh, aren’t they cute” as we went. The tail pulls…how much they seemed at the beginning like the stranger or relative we see rarely making silly and/or annoying goo-goo faces.

We had our childhood years. For a good span, the focus was mainly on pup play and having fun. Cute gave way to sometimes being watched with smiles and encouraging laughter, sometimes with disapproving glares. We got upbraided by our "parent" for certain misbehaviors, and sometimes we even got petulant in our responses. We were sure we could ride that bike without training wheels for the first time, then wonder what the hell happened when we fell. But others were there to help us dust ourselves off, bandage the scrapes and get back on that thing so we could keep going. Then we put cards in the spokes even though some thought it annoying. Still, for the most part, we were glad that the broader community "parent" was there – we still weren’t quite ready to make our part of the world our own just yet. We hated the rules sometimes, even told the “parent” that we hated them or thought they were stupid. But we weren’t really challenging them yet.

Now we are. Now more than ever we are at that place where we’re working, sometimes even struggling, to define and assert our own identity. Now we’re at the place where we are taking things that were in the world we’ve come into and trying to adapt them to fit our emerging world-view. Now we’re looking at the concepts and traditions that have come before and defining where they fit into our emerging sense of self – if they even fit at all. We don’t want to ride the bike anymore. We want the keys to the fucking car so we can go out and have a good time!
And now we’re at that place where we are absolutely convinced that the “parent” can’t possibly understand what we’re going through. We’re convinced that all they want to do is rein us in and ruin our lives. We don’t want to be treated like little kids because we aren’t kids any longer. We’re adults now, damn it, and we’re going to prove it! At times, it goes to the extreme of outright rebellion against the rules and limits the “parent” has set out – in this case those traditions and norms associated with the leather/fetish/kink community. We don’t want limits; we want to explore and discover for ourselves! We don’t want to sit at the kids’ table at holiday dinners (think events). We’re grown up now and want to be with the adults. Dammit, we ARE adults, right? They can’t tell us how to run our lives, right?

Like most adolescents, we want to be independent of the “parent.” We want to be free to live our own life and do our own thing. We don’t want to be looked down on as petulant adolescents; we want to be accepted and treated as equals.

And, you know what? This is actually completely normal. There’s not a single thing wrong with any of this or feeling like we do. It’s all part of the growth and maturing process. It cannot be argued that the contemporary pup and handler community has come a long way. We’ve grown in size. We've grown in experience. We’re beginning to define and establish a self-identity as a community. We’re challenging ideas and boundaries as we begin to assert that identity.

In going with this reasoning, let’s also take a look at it from the “parent” point of view. How can they understand us if they don’t feel like we do? The thing we forget is that they have felt and do feel like we do. They’ve been where we are. Some may have forgotten that, but it’s nearly universally true. There isn’t a single one of us who came into the community knowing everything about it. Individuals and groups alike, we were all new to this community once. Everything we’re enduring, others endured before us. The learning and the exploring, the self-discovery and identifying, the rules and the limits and what they meant at the individual level. Every section of the broader community that came before us faced these same trials and growing pains – and all have emerged with a strong sense of self identity and a firm idea of their place within the whole (which is not to say they are without current challenges and difficulties – many remain).

No one likes being made to feel they’re being looked down on. It’s an uncomfortable feeling at best. If it continues too long, it breeds anger and resentment. Very rarely does it leave an opening for truly constructive conversation. The paradox of equal footing, however, is that it has to be earned but the process of earning it slows itself and gets bogged down by frustration. It can become a self-defeating cycle if unchecked.

Fortunately, we have it within ourselves to check it. It takes only three things: respect (both for oneself and for others), two-way communication, and an open mind. These aren't merely suggestions or goals, they’re imperatives. All three of these are absolutely necessary to get through this period of growth and change and reach that point where differences are more widely respected than refuted. When communicating, it’s not just about what we have to say. It’s about listening to what others are saying and being open-minded enough to maturely discuss the differences. It’s not just defending a point of view, but accepting that there is room for many times many points of view.

And lastly, of course, if we keep with the idea that while we, as a community, may very well be in our adolescence, those of us in it are adults. That’s where we can run into the problems that arise among us and between us and the broader community. While it’s perfectly normal for an adolescent to endure and feel all those things I have described, as adults we can’t expect to continually act out along those lines and not be called on it. Whether we like it or not, we are adults in an adult world that has expectations and established norms for acceptable behavior. Being adults, we’re expected to – and should – act like adults.

We, the pup and handler community, want very much to be seen for who and what we are, not defined by what others believe we are. The number and intensity of ongoing discussions and activities shows that. We can and will achieve that, but we have to remember also that – even as we are building things unique to us, we’ve also adopted a number of practices and symbols that were there before us and are working to adapt them to our world-view. That won’t happen without disagreement and misunderstanding. That we’re doing this in an age of social media, an arena that’s far more transparent than any before us, it all stands out even more. Those looking in see more, and in doing so, may understand less. However, it’s really on us to help them understand what we’re building. It’s on us to explain those things that are unique to us and to show that we do respect the value of those traditions we’re adapting. To show that we’re not discarding or disrespecting them but are finding a way to make them important to us. We can be the mature entity we’re struggling to convince others that we are. We don’t have to shove aside those who came before us. We have to show we’re determined to take our place beside them.


We, the "parent" play a part in this as well. We have to remember that the pup and handler community, being newer and demographically younger, hasn't experienced the same world we did earlier on. The pup and handler community grew in a different environment that has done much in setting the values and ideals it holds close. The people in the pup and handler community don't always feel the same as those in the "parent" community - and telling them they should will only increase the hostility and rebellion. Gone are the days when the child can be sent to their room or the adolescent grounded from going out. The situation cannot be corrected through punishment. Now it takes understanding - and that includes understanding that the pup and handler community is establishing its unique self-identity. The "parent" can only teach what has come before, it cannot dictate how those lessons are applied.

Overall, that is the transition from adolescence to adulthood. It takes all of us to achieve that. And it doesn’t change the fact that the world isn’t a fully friendly place, that there are just as many challenges before us as there are behind us. But at least we don’t have to face them in endless conflict.

Is it an easy transition? Not even close. Is it frustrating? Sometimes beyond words. There are times we’ve all felt like we’re beating our heads against a glass door. The question I’m posing here though: Do we keep running into that door with our eyes and ears closed and then blaming others for the bloody nose, or do we talk to the people on the other side of the glass and eventually open the door?