Consent Makes Everything Better

All right, one more time for those in the back: If you don’t have consent to touch, don’t touch. If you don’t have consent to touch, it’s assault.

That’s it. End of statement, drop the mic, whatever. Simple, right? Basic social etiquette, right?

Apparently not.

Yes, in the world of leather and kink, we do things that push boundaries. We push the boundaries of sexual expression and of our kinks and fetishes. Even in a world where we push boundaries, however, we also have to respect them. Ours is a culture with a legacy based on rebellion, but to keep our community safe, we still need rules. That’s where consent comes in. Quite simply, it’s respecting boundaries. It’s not imposing ourselves on another without permission. It’s respecting the personal space of others.

Or, to use the standard Red/Yellow/Green of safe words as an example, it’s not pushing unless there is a clear Green. No is No and is always Red. Absent a clear Yes or affirmative, it's not Green. Remember, two of the guiding principles we use in our play are built around consent: SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

The events and venues at which we gather can be highly-charged with sexual energy and playfulness. We do a lot of things in our spaces that we can’t do outside of them. We present ourselves in ways that accentuate our bodies and enhance the sexual and sensual energy. We need those spaces to be safe so that we can do those things and put our sexy as we explore our kinks and fetishes and push our own boundaries. We need to feel safe.

What we don’t need in those spaces is inconsiderate, undisciplined violation of our persons or our boundaries. What we don’t need is people engaging in those behaviors and then shrugging it off as part of their kink or fetish. What we don't need is people claiming they didn't know any better. The sanctity of those spaces depends on everyone within it playing by that one simple rule: consent. We all have the right to be in control of our bodies, and that includes being in control of who touches us and how we let them touch us. No one has the right to take that from anyone.

We go into these spaces and events to enjoy ourselves. Our individual enjoyment of them should not ever be at the expense of someone else. Our bodies are not community property to be handled by just anyone.

So, the question is, how do we impress upon those who share those spaces that consent is paramount? There needs to be both proactive effort through education, and a clear awareness of repercussions. Under no circumstances, however, should the proactive imply, implicitly or explicitly, that anyone invites invasion of their persona space just by how they dress or present themselves.

Some examples to consider:

Yes, when you’re on the elevator or at the bar, that ass you see going by does look good in those chaps or that jock. Or maybe that crotch is just so inviting you have to stick your nose into it. Think twice before reaching out to grab or feel what you’ve not been invited to touch. It’s assault and it’s criminal. Yet how many times in a bar or at an event has someone had their ass or junk grabbed at random? RED, folks! Red! If it’s more than just grabbing and there’s unwanted penetration of any degree, that’s sexual assault, possibly even rape. That’s not fun and games. What it’s called is a felony offense.

Now that same person is letting someone else touch them? That doesn’t give you permission to touch. Don’t do it RED!

Does that shoulder or armor leg look so tasty you just have to sink your teeth into it? Think again before just licking or biting without consent. Again, RED!  If you’re lucky, you’ll end up in jail with nothing broken.

You’ve been invited into the room? Awesome! Meeting new people is great. But an invitation to the room without a clear expectation of what can follow is still YELLOW. Be more clear about expectations before pushing further. At the very least it can prevent an embarrassing situation.

Remember also that consent, once given, is not permanent. For example, the play scene is going along well, and the sub has consented to what the top is doing so far. Then the top starts something else that hasn’t been negotiated and says “No.” That’s a full stop. Consent has been revoked. BIG RED if the top continues.

These are just some examples of what goes on in our community. They've all happened; we've all heard about such things.

One thing we have to do is impress that excuses are not acceptable. It doesn’t matter that the ass you groped was there. It wasn’t put out there for just anyone. Yes, we’re human and many of us like human contact. But it’s better for all if we balance that with respect for personal space and boundaries. It doesn’t matter if your fetish is rubbing lilacs on bare skin or dry-humping a boot or anything else. If the recipient of the action hasn’t consented to it, it’s wrong.

We also have to help people understand that they do not have to feel obligated to just accept these unwanted advances or invasions. We have to help people be comfortable standing up and protecting themselves against it, to know that their bodies are not community property to be handled by anyone who feels the desire. It's not always easy, and we can go a long way by empowering ourselves to not tolerate invasions of our personal space or unacceptable risks to our minds and bodies.

I’m not saying we should avoid interpersonal contact. That’s not what this community is about. What I’m saying is we need to respect what’s not ours and not engage in behavior that are invasive - and the only key to removing the invasive and making it the welcoming is to know the other person agrees to it. What I’m saying is that we, as a community, still need to be proactive in education about consent. And what I’m saying is that we need to reinforce that there are repercussions, both social and legal, for those who violate or disregard that simple rule.