20 Years Ago Today...

Twenty years ago today…. a day I’ll never forget yet one I barely remember much about. It was the end of two weeks of terrible anxiety; it was the beginning of a whole new experience. My life changed that day, and all I can really remember about it after the pivotal moment is chewing on my keyring.

The only other thing I remember was the edge of a dream. I was working the overnight counselor shift at the rehab residence and kind of drifted off while sitting on one of the sofas. Somewhere in it I saw my grandmother and grandfather who had both passed. And they told me that I was going to be OK, that I would do what I had to do. I can’t say I wondered what it meant. While I don’t think it registered consciously, at some level I knew. Given where I had to be just a few long hours later and the fearful anxiety of the previous two weeks, how could I not?

It still didn’t lessen the impact in that room in Binghamton later that morning. When a young woman sat across the table from me and said what I’d been dreading for two weeks: the test results were positive. I was HIV+.

I remember just sitting there, stunned, my then-friend Dennis putting his arm around me. I don’t remember if I cried or anything. I can’t say if I broke at all that day. There was paperwork to be signed, and appointments to be made. I think I did it, but it was just automatic reaction. At some point we left and Dennis made sure I ate something. We must have gone back to his apartment since that’s where me truck was. At some point I made the drive back home.

I know I told my then-partner that same day. I don’t remember how or when or even where. I don’t even remember exactly how he reacted, except that I know it was with support and love.

All I remember clearly is chewing that damn keyring. I think I killed it.

And now, it’s 20 years later. I know it’s OK that I don’t remember all of it. I remember what my grandparents told me that morning, and they were right. I did what I had to do.