Memorial Day Weekend 2013

Another Memorial Day weekend begins to draw toward its close.  This one, though, will go down as one of the best I’ve had, right up there with the ones I used to spend in NJ with my friend Scott. And this one was spent at home, with friends visiting from out of town and with Ken and boy Tom.  Boy Matt was here from New Jersey, and Mike Socks Pup drove all the way from Cleveland. The fun started on Friday once we were all together, and it kept right on until today.

OK, we DID follow the goings on at IML. After all, we all had the people we were rooting for, and we all wished we could have been at Woof Camp! Except for when we went to see Star Trek, I don’t think 10 minutes passed that one of us wasn’t following up on Facebook!

But we all had a great time all the same.  Friday night was pretty much just a laid-back, cocktails, cigars and shoot the breeze kind of night out on the deck, even though it was a little chilly. We didn’t care. Saturday was board games and just hanging, followed by a great BBQ on the deck. Saturday evening we went to the Maryland Leatherboys first bar night in Baltimore, followed by a side trip to the DC Eagle on the way back. It was good seeing some friends in both places while showing Socks our neck of the woods. Sunday was another laid back day, followed by going to see Star Trek Into Darkness later in the evening. All three nights we were up late, just enjoying and talking.

 All told, it was an awesome time.

Right now it’s quiet. Socks is now on his way back to Cleveland. The others are napping. I’m wide awake after a 15-mile bicycle ride. Good time to reflect.

Now that it’s winding down, I can’t help but think just how lucky I am, though. To have friends, and a boy and a husband like I have, I have to wonder what I did to get so lucky. And, yet, through stories and ideas exchanges and insights gained, I am reminded once again that the path my feet have been placed upon in life has more rewards and possibilities than I ever thought possible. I look at all the friendships I’ve gained through this community and wonder how I can ever pay forward such good fortune. I can only hope the things I do give back will, in some way, show just how grateful I am.

Tomorrow, it’ll be back to work. But I’ll go forward from this weekend, not just with good memories, but with a feeling of being rejuvenated. Decisions and goals made before the weekend have been reinforced, and I feel an even stronger sense of commitment to them. Some questions I’ve been quietly asking of myself have found answers. As the summer months start, I know the coming weeks of relative quiet will help me better prepare for what awaits in the autumn months. Very importantly, after this weekend, I have an even better sense of WHY I’m doing the things I’m doing and about to do. Most of all, I go forward knowing I have some very special friends and family.

To Boy Matt, to Socks, to boy Tom, and to my husband Ken, I say thank you for an incredible weekend!

Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.

Diamonds in the Rough

“Don’t think of them as battle scars. Think of them as facets on a very beautiful, unique diamond.”

I posted that as a Facebook status a while back. At the time, it was more of a random thought, but it’s one that has stayed with me through the following months. A couple of inter-related discussions yesterday on Puppy 101 and Sirs & boys, as well as a personal post by a brother pup out there brought it back to mind.

I can’t help but think how hard it can be to see the diamond. It shouldn’t HAVE to be difficult at all, but we continuously find ourselves in situations that make it difficult to see. We live in a world that puts more value on uniformity and conformity that it does on individuality. And no matter how many times others may tell us how valuable and wonderful we can be as individuals, it’s something we each have to find in ourselves. Only then can we see the diamond that is our true inner selves and have faith that it is always there, even during the stormy times.

For those of us in the leather/kink/fetish community, the struggle to find that diamond doesn’t have to be made more difficult than the rest of the society is already making it. There isn’t a person in this community who hasn’t weathered the storms of criticism and judgment, the recriminations and rejections from those on the outside – and, unfortunately, some on the inside as well.  We’ve seen how damaging just one word of derision can be.  We’ve seen potential lost to us when narrow-mindedness trumped acceptance. And we’ve seen our collective future brightened simply because one person was given the chance that made all the difference.

I can’t make anyone look within that isn’t ready. But I CAN reassure them that they aren’t alone and that the journey to find their true inner selves is the best one they can ever take. It’s something we can all do.  There are enough people on the outside telling us we’re wrong. Let’s be the collective voice telling each other we’re all on the right path.

What is the Pup Heart?

In the course of discussions and educational sessions, we often hear terms used like “boy heart” or “slave heart” or even “Sir or Daddy heart.”  And, for many of us in the leather/fetish community, we tend to agree that terms such as these are accurate descriptors. They serve to demonstrate that our identities are more than a label or rationalization, that we feel these things very deeply, heart and soul.

But what about the pups and the pup heart?

On the surface, it may not be easy to tell any difference. After all, not everyone into pup play identifies as a pup. Also, and to the consternation of some, pups aren’t as easily pigeon-holed into a set role outline. There are service pups, pups who are actually the Dominant in a relationship, Alphas and betas, and so on. Some pups have handlers; others don’t. Any number of traits that can be ascribed across a wide spectrum may pertain to boys as well as pups. The ambiguity is part of what sometimes obscures it. So, too, does that fact that so much of who we are is still being explored.

Although neither pups nor pup play are new concepts, having been around for decades, the resurgence over the past few years has been very powerful.  Pup moshes are becoming a large draw at most major events, including IML, MAL, and CLAW. Clubs and groups for pups and handlers are springing up all across the US and in Canada (and another recently formed in Germany). In the age of social networking, the pup community is coming together in ways unprecedented.

However, this rapid-paced resurgence isn’t without its caveats. There are segments of the greater leather/fetish/kink community that aren’t quite sure what pups and pup play is all about or where a handler/pup relationship can fit in along the D/s continuum. Some aren’t sure what to make of pups in general, sometimes falling back on definitions that may be accurate for some but most certainly not all. Within the pup community there is a great deal of discussion about who we are as a segment of the larger community, which can shade how others see us as a whole. As a result, people will cast about for a frame of reference, and too often fail to catch the subtle nuances that set us apart as pups.

And what are some of those subtle nuances that define the pup heart? As may be expected, you can see them by watching pups in action. Granted, there will be very pronounced similarities between what a pup might do and what one might expect from a boy. The key is to remember that pups run the gamut within the D/s continuum (not all pups are submissive!). It’s not going to be just things that you see from pups in a mosh or out at the local bar in full pup gear. It’s not the play or the gear that defines the pup, although some insight into a pup heart can be made during play. And, also, it’s well nigh impossible for anyone to be in a pup headspace on a 24/7 basis, no matter how many pups might wish otherwise.

One has to look beyond the play and see how the pup carries and views himself. Watch the little things the pup does. How the pup responds, even in an everyday setting. You’ll see an almost-canine element in many of the reactions. Negative or threatening circumstances can elicit very distinct growls (some, if pushed, may actually nip). Although most leatherboys I know like a firm head rub, start giving a pup ear scritches and watch what happens.  And put a bunch of pups together, even away from a mosh or similar setting, and you’ll have little doubt. There’s an element of playfulness that comes out very naturally, and the nature of the interaction will define it.

Of course, I can’t speak for all pups.  But I can for myself. I’m a pup.  I was a pup even before I realized it consciously. I know this because of how I felt the first time I connected with my inner pup. That was a moment of realizing I had found a very key part of my true self. The specifics of how it happened aren’t important, what came out of it made all the difference in how I see myself within the community and defines much of the work I’ve done on its behalf.  And, paramount, is that while I’ve grown from the sub role in one D/s relationship to the Dom in a second one, those things that define the inner pup remain unchanged.

Sometimes I do things without even realizing it. For example: for many years now, I’ve kept a small rubber ball in one of the pockets of my leather jacket. It was put there so I could tell which jacket was mine when a bunch of leather biker jackets were all stored together. And over the years, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve pulled that same ball out of my pocket to play with it, even chase it across a parking lot if it got away from me. Anyone tried to take it, I would literally growl. Same if someone tries to take my chew toys.

The pup heart, like any other, isn’t defined by rationalization or categorizing. In the end, we’re all human, and any trait we think of is a human trait. What ultimately separates it from the other possibilities is how the pup sees and feels about himself and the acceptance of the rest of the community at that level. The pup heart, like all others, reaches its fullest potential and state of being when we all lay aside our pre-conceptions and notions and accept the heart for what’s in it.

CLAW: To my Pupbrothers - Thank You!

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that the thing I was most looking forward to at CLAW was the chance to get together with my brother and sister pups, for the classes and the pup events. I’ve said it elsewhere, and it’s important enough to me to bear repeating. Believe me, I was in no way disappointed! Not even the unfortunate shot to the shoulder during Saturday night’s mosh put a damper on that in any way.

I don’t know if I can adequately put into words everything I get from being part of this community. I feel such a strong bond of friendship and common ground with so many of the other pups. Although it doesn’t take much to bring out the playful pup in me under any circumstances, whenever I’m around my pupbrothers, it just bubbles out on its own. Even after 10+ years of being involved in the larger leather community, after a weekend among my brother and sister pups, I feel like it’s all brand new again.

It strikes me as odd just how much more intensely I’ve come to feel all of it over the last year. While my service and commitment to the pup community goes back further, it’s within the last year that it’s taken off so much for me. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s an incredible feeling that’s both re-energizing and humbling. Re-energizing because of just how fresh I feel when coming back out of puppy-time and how it re-focuses me on so many other things I do, both within the community and on the outside.

Humbling because I’m a part of something that is so much more than myself and brings together so many. Humbling because I’m accepted for who and what I am. And humbling because others see me as an alpha among so many with so much to offer.

I want to thank each and every one of you for what is – to me – a gift beyond price. I can only hope to give back a part of what you have all given me so far. I promise to do my best.

Like all of us, it’s back to the every day world for me. But I go knowing that I, as a pup, have a place where I know I belong!

CLAW 2013: What a Weekend!

Maybe now that things are a little less scattered in my mind I can begin to collect my thoughts. I tried several times yesterday. The words were there, but I couldn’t get them to come out in any way that made sense. Maybe it was that long stretch of road in front of us leading back to DC, knowing it was taking me back to the every day world. That it meant another CLAW was over and once again, I took away more than I brought with me.

It was definitely a great weekend. A weekend of catching up with old friends and making new ones, of fun and good times, and of opportunities to let loose my inner pup alongside my brother (and sister) pups. A weekend of being surrounded by hot leathermen and kinksters.  It passed so quickly, just like it always does, and I’m again amazed that so much got packed into so short a span of time.

And, yet, that same short span packs some potent seeds of change and growth.  Conversations that spark ideas, insights from others over a drink and a cigar, the beginnings of what I hope to be lasting friendships.  There are probably seeds I don’t even see yet. It’s a lot to sort through.

The thing that stands out most in my mind is watching at least two pups and a couple of already close friends begin taking their first steps into a larger world. Both have thanked me for being part of that, yet they gave me something of equal importance. In being part of their experiences, I got to see our community through new eyes again, to be reminded of where I’ve been.  By having the honor of being part of that, they helped strengthen my connection to my own roots. To be given the gift of such even grounding of myself is worth more than I can say.

I also got the chance to broaden my own horizons as a Dom to my boy, to learn more about his wants and needs and – hopefully – how to address them.  Boy Tom and I communicate very well, but there’s always room to learn and to grow. Both by direct communication and seeing his interaction with others, I got a few more pieces of that picture put in place.

I went into this weekend expecting an incredible experience. My first two were rich and rewarding; I expected the same from my third. My second saw me emotionally raw after being recently uncollared; this weekend allowed me to experience it all on a more even-keel. Once again, I left CLAW with far more than I arrived with (and not just from the vendor mart). I hope the seeds that were planted bear rich fruit.  

And I look forward to CLAW in 2014.

Just One Dreamer

I posted this as a Facebook status today: If it wasn't for dreamers, how much would actually change?

Truth is, though, it wasn’t a random thought. I was thinking about Puppy, and I remembered all the dreams he told me about over the years I knew him.  Yeah, sometimes those dreams were beyond his reach, but he never stopped dreaming anyway.

And those dreams brought change. Without us realizing it, they touched us. And, in doing so, they brought change into our lives, ever so slightly. In truth, I never really thought about it till now. And now that I do think about it, I can only smile through the tears.

So keep on dreaming, Puppy!  And from one dreamer to another: THANK YOU!

Happy 2013!

In taking a few minutes to look back over 2012, it’s immediately clear that it has been one hell of a year. There was the good and the bad, the hard times and the easy ones. But, all in all, 2012 was a good year.

This time, a year ago, I was recovering from a flu picked up while in NY for the Xmas holiday. Even more difficult, I was saddened by the unexpected passing on not one, but two very dear friends – Jeff Cheeseman and Wayne Himes. I remember not really wanting to ring in the New Year, but I knew that being with my friends would be the wiser choice. And so glad I did.  I was able to greet 2012 with a smile, a hug from my Mister, and a big kiss from my husband.

In looking at the good in 2012, I have to start with my hubby. Thinking about Ken always makes me feel bubbly. In 2012 we celebrated 13 years of being together, as well as the 2^nd anniversary of our wedding. No matter where I wander to in my travels in the community, I know he’s always ready to have his huspup hurry back to him. I’m looking forward to welcoming another New Year with him, and many more besides.

The other thing that jumps out here, though, is mingled with a not-so-good that turned out way more than I would have thought. Like I said, I began 2012 collared as Mister J’s pup. But a difficult parting of the ways came about in March. I’d be less than honest if I said there isn’t still a pang of disappointment still inside. But I still carry the valuable things Mister J taught me, I still have a great friend and a mentor, and I have 3+ years to look back on fondly.

And further still, it proved a pivotal point in my growth and a step toward the collaring of boy Tom as my own boy in November. Yes, many who know us saw this coming for awhile. In 2012 it happened, and I am very glad it did.  To have Ken welcome it as openly as he has only reinforces the course and decisions that brought us to where we are.

I hated saying farewell to my beta pup in September when he moved across the country in September. But I wish him nothing but the best. And, besides, we’ll be seeing each other here and there (MAL!).

I definitely logged some miles in 2012. Trips to Long Island for a Ravens run in March (beware the evil midget!), CLAW in April, NYC in June, upstate NY in July, several jaunts to Philly, Olympia, a second trip to Ogunquit in October (with a Boston adventure along the way), and ending in November with a trip to Tampa. But it was all fun spent with great friends. I think if I told my car “New York City,” it would know to swing through Harrisburg first and then navigate to Coyote’s!

Of the many fun events I made it to in 2012, the ones that stand out are CLAW and International Puppy. And that is because it was at those two events were I forged even stronger links with my brother pups and the pup community. CLAW has the added element that it was there where I first took on the role of handler – which it’s fair to say contributed in a big way to my collaring boy Tom. I walked away from those two events better for what I got just by being there.

  

So, 2012 has only hours left to it. 2013 will be coming in, filled with new challenges and adventures, the good and the bad, the “Oh, yeahs!” and the “WTFs?!?!” But I’m looking forward to it.