Change and Transition

Change can be a bitch.  It happens, whether we think we’re ready for it or not; whether we want it or not.  But, if I’ve learned anything over the years, it usually happens because it’s what we need.  Not that that makes it any easier.

Here recently I’ve had to acknowledge that change is happening in my life, that my journey as a leatherman is entering a new chapter.  Part of me wants to fight it; to stay where I’ve been comfortable for so long.  For the most part, though, I know that I can’t.  Things have awakened within me that I have to accept as part of the whole person that is me.  And while they don’t redefine the person, they certainly add new layers.

I look back over the course of my journey thus far and see noticeable differences between then and now.  I can still see that quiet, extremely submissive boy who so often stayed off to the side and said little.  Somewhere along the way, however, he found his footing and began to grow.  He found the courage and the convictions – and the passion – that set so much in motion. Eventually, the boy found and embraced his inner pup, opening another stage of the journey.  So, rather than wonder where that boy went, I have to look more at what he’s become.

The boy and the pup are with me as much as they have always been.  They’re parts of me that aren’t ever going to simply vanish.  But something else is emerging now.  Quite honestly, I don’t feel as submissive as I have previously.  Not that my view on being submissive has changed.  It hasn’t, and I know that part of me remains that way.  And it’s not that I have aspirations to be a Daddy or a Sir because I just don’t see it that way.

Maybe it’s the alpha taking on a more defined aspect, but I am seriously interested in taking on and training a pup of my own.  I can’t say it started by taking pup Zinger has my beta, but the relationship between us definitely opened the door wider.

Of late, I’ve had moments of wondering how it all still fits together.  Moments of feeling very confused and wondering where I fit in now.  I don’t feel or look at things the same way.  I know I still have a place, but I’m not always sure what it is right now.  How does all this affect how I fit in with my club? Probably a dumb question, but it crosses my mind. How does it impact my relationship with my Mister (and the growth of both of us comes into play there).  Fortunately, my relationship with my husband remains the steady ground on which I can stand as this all whirls about me.

 The next few weeks promise to be enlightening, come what may.

Farewell 2011...

2011 is measured in hours.  2012 is just around the corner.

I can't say 2011 is going out well.  Yesterday marked the passing of my good friend Wayne Himes.  Today, my friend and kindred spirit Jeff Cheeseman passed.  24 hours saw the loss of two sweet souls.  Yes, there's likely one hell of a party on the other side this New Year's Eve.  On this side, though, it'll be a little somber.

But I can't really look at 2011 through completely sad eyes.  For one thing, the friendship of Wayne and Jeff and Spanky (who passed in April 2011) have enriched my life in ways I can't even begin to measure. They're gone, but not lost, and the things they each gave me I carry with me all the way.

Yes, it has been a hell of year.  The launching of the Mid-Atalantic Kennel Korps immediately springs to mind.  With it, my first CLAW, being pinned by Mama at IML, Mister J presenting His pup with a puppy hood. Competing in the Mr. DC Eagle contest and having a great time doing it.

But the one thing that has had the deepest impact and most lasting effect?  From the time I met Zech at MAL in January 2011 through now, taking the role of his Alpha pup, he's challenged alot of the things I thought I knew about myself.  Some things were reinforced, some called into question, and one or two doors opened.  I go into 2012 with some things to think about, and one or two realizations that were slow in coming to me (and likely will surpise fewer people than I think).

And, of course, another year with my wonderful husband.  I'm looking forward to many many more!

Something new...or is it?

I guess it’s fair to say I’ve taken another step in my journey.  While not necessarily a gigantic one, it’s one that cracks open a door into a different part of myself.

After careful thought and consideration – and a good deal of discussion amongst a few people, I have taken on the role of Alpha to boy zech (aka pup zinger).  We’ve been clear that iIt’s not a D/s relationship.  It’s an addition to what’s become an already strong friendship.  It’s more of a mentoring, with me in a position of some authority (still deferring to restrictions from both Mister J and Zech’s Daddy, of course.)  There’s no collaring involved (although he will receive a tag with his pup name on it).  When he’s here, it puts him under my wing.

So, there will be a small element of consensual imbalance, but not anything near the degree that defines a D/s relationship.

Yes, I welcome this.  It’s going to be a learning experience for both of us.  It has the support of the key people around us (Ken, Mister J, Daddy John), as well as our friends who know.  It’s not a sudden thing, either.  I wasn’t surprised when Zech first asked – we’d kind of hit around it before anyway.

But, also, something about this scares the hell out of me.  It’s not that I’m afraid this could damage a strong friendship.  If I thought that likely, we wouldn’t be doing this.  It’s from knowing I’m beginning to explore a new part of myself.  One that I’ve kind of known was there – and have no idea what I’m supposed to do with.

But I can’t hide from that fear either.  Guess it’s time to face it.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes, when the world seems overwhelming, all I have to do is crawl into my cage . . .

Contestant #2

And now the contest is over.  The new Mr. DC Eagle is Kevin Jordan from Onyx.  Great guy and I know he'll do well.  Looking forward to working with him in the coming year.

All I can say is WOW!  What an experience.  I've been involved in contests before, having filled every position except contestant.  And all that was really only a slight preparation for this ride.

Besides me, there were three other contestants: Kevin, Tim and Omar.  All of them great guys and it was a pleasure and honor to be up there alongside of them.  WOOF!!!!

I was a bit nervous going into the weekend (probably normal), and the energy levels ran high all through it (and beyond).  Began to relax as it progressed, especially after the interview.  That part was daunting right up until the questions started.  In hindsight, I think I did okay in that part.

The stage parts were absolutely fun.  It was an experience I can't fully describe going through it with these guys.  All of us looking out for each other, pep talks, and rooting each other on.

Didn't win.  Yeah, wee bit of a disappointment.  We all would have like to have taken home the title. But I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, that I did my best, and thoroughly enjoyed the ride.   Nothing is going to change as far as the things I already do out there in the community, and I actually have a new ally.

And right now I can think of at least 14 friggin dwarf names!

But Why?

Now that it's a little more than 2 weeks away, I can now say here that I will be competing this year in the Mr. DC Eagle contest.  I won't yet go into why I'm only now competing for a title, as those are things best left until the contest itself.  The reasons are clear in my head at this point, and I'll share them here in the very near future.

But there is a question related to this that's been burning in my mind.  One I can't answer other than my own thoughts and feelings, as well as my own decision as it relates to me.

Why is that some feel a boy or pup competing for a title shouldn't where his or her collar?  I've heard that some feel it shouldn't be done.  Others feel it's only proper.

To me, the collar represents part of who I am.  If I'm to put myself forward as a potential titleholder, it seems to me honesty and integrity on my part are abolute musts.  If I were to go into this misrepresenting myself or holding back in any way, then by what right should I even be competing?

I am in no way ashamed of being collared as my Mister's pup tripp.  If I were...well, I wouldn't be collared in the first place!  More importantly though, that pride and confidence are not only a core part of my identity, but also a strong aspect of what I bring to the community.

Mister and I both know that there are responsibilities that go with a title.  I'm doing this with both His support and encouragement as well as (and equally important) Ken's blessing.  My obligations to them need not conflict with additional obligations were I to receive the title.

I did ask Mary Elizabeth, and she was in favor of the collar being worn.  Those closest to me have been o like mind. That meant alot to me.  Not that I needed their encouragement.  I told Mister at Rehoboth how I felt about it, that I was determined to wear my collar.

I can only wonder why some think it shouldn't be.

The World's a Stage - And You're on in Five

This is National Coming Out Day, but the point is just as valid for the other 364 days of the year . . .

The World's a Stage - And You're on in Five

By this time, it practically goes without saying we, as brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community, still have a long way to go.  We still face an uphill battle for full equality in every area.  Rights that many of us consider basic to all citizens of this country.are still denied us. More importantly, we face a struggle for acceptance, not only by society, but of who we are on our own terms – a struggle that we see recently is costing the lives of teenagers across the country.

October is designated Gay and Lesbian History Month, with the 11th being National Coming Out Day. It’s a chance for each of us to stand up and be counted as part of a larger community. It is an opportunity we should not let slip by - but it is also one that we should not limit to just one day each year.

In the ongoing battle for equal treatment without regard to sexual orientation, visibility is one of the most powerful tools we have. To become more visible as a group is to draw more attention to our struggle as a group. The voices raised are no longer alone, but part of a larger movement. As such, it becomes more difficult to just dismiss the cries for equality.  It gives those who struggle with discrimination and prejudice a message that they aren’t alone, and hopefully, provides the strength to endure.

To remain invisible is to allow the rest of society to marginalize us and deny us equality.  It strengthens the violence that’s still too often brought against us. To remain silent is to let their lies and misrepresentations overpower the truth of who and what we really are.  To not be seen lessens our hope for a brighter future for those fighting the inner struggles.

The greater our visible number, the better we can effectively demonstrate the inequities forced on us because of our sexual orientation. Only by showing American society that we seek only the same rights and civil liberties as the heterosexual majority can we achieve social equality. Only by declaring ourselves can we show that we are no different than anyone else, that we are just as important a part of this society as anyone else.

Limiting our presence to a handful of faces and voices is not enough to get the attention of the American public or to get that message heard loud and clear.

Many of those who adamantly oppose equality for LGBTQ people condemn us as immoral, and target us as the cause of degenerating social values They would have us remain silent so that the hollowness of their arguments goes unchallenged.  They trumpet their rights in  an attempt to deny us ours.  They throw dispiriting epithets at us, dehumanize us, treat us as second-class citizens.   They resort to lies and misrepresentations and continue to dictate codes of acceptability for society as a whole, codes they then use to denigrate us.  The fear and hate brought against us is empowered, too often manifesting in physical violence and death.

Visibility ensures that we will no longer settle for such social maltreatment. Each new face behind the banner means one more voice. Each call shakes the decaying foundations of the solaced status quo.  Each call reinforces the message that we will no longer cower in fear.  We will no longer stand by and let our brothers and sisters be taunted and bullied, assaulted and killed. Our contributions, on the job and to society as a whole, are no just valid.  When we stand in strength, we show just how integral a part of the whole we truly are.

How does visibility relate to the individual? To the majority of the American public, the shouting throng waving pride flags is a crowd of nameless strangers. It is only the individual who can lend the catalyst of familiarity. When the face seen and the voice heard are known, the isolated observer is no longer disconnected.  From the ranks of the newly-vested we can draw more and more support.

Too often, I have heard another gay or lesbian person say there is nothing he or she can do. Or that there are already enough of us fighting the battles ofr acceptance and equality. Neither statement could be further from the truth! Each and every one of us needs to stand up and be counted. It is left to all of us to contribute to the struggle - because it is a struggle that affects all of us. By showing our numbers, the American public can see we are not a few isolated radicals, that previously convenient stereotypes are erroneous prejudices. We are a community of considerable size, as diverse and vibrant as any other. We show that we are friends, sons or daughters, mothers or fathers, brothers or sisters, family, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. We can show that we are thinking, feeling human beings, capable of love and caring.

Every day is an opportunity to reinforce the strength of visibility and shape it within the framework of familiarity. Don't think of it as an obligation to the gay community or the struggle for equal rights, however. It is an obligation to yourself. In the end, our triumphant achievements rest with the individuals who work together but benefit the community as a whole.

Until we finally achieve true equality within society, we must remain visible as a united community. But only the commitment and contribution of each individual provides the strength necessary to maintain the momentum of the communal effort.  We need each others’ support.  Those who fear they’re lost and alone need to know there is someone to turn to, someone out there like they them or someplace to go where they are valued.

It isn't easy.  It won't be until it no longer makes a difference.  The risks are great, to be sure.  But if each of us can do our part, that day can be brought closer.  We owe it to ourselves as much as we owe it to anyone.   

Married to One Man; Collared by Another

If I had a buck for each confused look I’ve ever gotten when this comes up, I could practically get a free drink each time I go to the Eagle.

I accept that it can be confusing to people not part of the leather community – and to some within it as well.  One of the joys of relationships among leatherfolk is that there is no one-size-fits all style; that they’re as varied and dynamic as the people in them.   The generalities can often be explained to meet the questions of the curious; the specifics can often be a little more difficult to make clear.

One of the harder questions I get posed is why I should need both a husband and a Sir? Or, put another way - is there something missing between me and my husband that makes it necessary to be in service to MISTER as well?

To answer that bluntly:  No.

In the twelve years I’ve been with Ken (my husband since September 2010), I’ve never felt anything has been missing.  What we share is, to me, as whole and wonderful now as it was when we first got together.   It’s changed over the years, and we’ve changed with it.  I feel he gives me and our relationship the best he has to give of himself.  Together, we’re a solid team and an intimate couple.  With Ken I feel a sense of contentment unlike anything I’ve ever known, and through it I feel complete.

So why also be in service to Mister J?

My relationship with Ken is based on an equal partnership.  To be sure, there’s a flow of energy there.  A give and take so as it’s never truly 50/50.  We actually include some Dom/sub dynamics within the overall frame of our relationship, and our play isn’t what I would call vanilla.  But, at the end of the day, I curl up beside him in bed as his husband.

Not so with Mister J.  I’m MISTER’s pup.  He’s the Hander and Dom; I’m the pup and sub.  The equal partnership is replaced by consensual inequality.  With MISTER, I can be and find ways to express those things that don’t fit between Ken and me.   With MISTER, I can let out the pup within to its fullest.

From the first time MISTER held pup’s leash, there was an awareness of a connection at that level.  When later on conversations about a Handler/pup relationship began, the Dom/sub element was an inherent part of the whole picture.  He’s my handler, but that’s not the limit of His dominant side.  I’m a pup, but the service-oriented boy is still there as well.  So it was really only natural that MISTER and pup would choose the more broad Dom/sub relationship than limit it to Handler/pup only.

And it doesn’t fill in any gaps between Ken and me.  I’m not sure either would work if there were gaps being filled, if for no other reason than it seems such gaps would more likely than not be forced wider.  What it does, though, is reinforce and give deeper meaning to what I have with Ken.  And the converse of that is just as true.

I will say that the two relationships are not equal.  Ken comes first.  Period.  MISTER and pup agreed on that from the beginning (and the same applies to MISTER’s husband as well).  My relationship and service to MISTER continues only so long as Ken agrees to and supports it.  If he were to ever ask that the collar be removed, it would be.  We all agreed on that at the beginning.

Yes, it takes effort and willingness to keep it all working.  Respect, loyalty, commitment, and trust have to remain at the forefront.  Open and honest communication on all sides is an absolute must.

It isn’t always easy juggling the responsibilities of both, as I believe in giving both nothing less than my fullest.  That's something for a future post, though.

In any case, I'm pretty damn lucky to be Ken's huspup and Mister J's pup tripp.  I certainly can't imagine things without either of them.

Leatherati article

http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati_issues/2011/05/out-of-the-kennel.html

This was an article published at Leatherati, an online magazine for the Leather community.

An unexpected insight

I remember when I used to wonder how I would react to seeing my Sir in any kind of submissive role.  This was during any number of conversations, and all before I was collared by Mister J as His pup.

This past weekend, I actually got an answer to that question.  I've always known that MISTER defers to Sir Alexaner as Daddy.  As a matter of knowing, without actually seeing, there was never any problem on my part.  Actually, I can't recall having ever given it much thought.  Knowing my place with MISTER and with Sir Alexander has always been enough.

But when I actually saw it, it immediately struck me how fortunate I am.  I've always known that MISTER values and appreciates the service He receives from me.  At that moment, though, I caught a glimpse of how deep MISTER's views on and appreciation of service might go.  I don't presume to know what was going through His mind at anytime, only that there was a split-second of understanding there.

So, now I know the answer.  And if I thought of myself as a fortunate pup before that, I feel even more so now.