A Question of Why...

Why is it there are still people who still seem to have nothing but disrespect, if not outright hate and loathing, for the pup community? And if not hostility, then at the very least resistance to seeing or accepting us as we are.

There, I said I flat out. But don’t answer those questions right away. It’s too easy to give the quick answer, to toss out the retreads of old arguments and feel they address the question. They don’t. Because, when I say retreads, I mean that I’ve heard them used before, not just to castigate and dismiss the pup and handler community, but other segments of the broader kink community as well.

To be honest and completely frank, I will freely acknowledge that the pup community is no more a social utopia than any other out there. We have our problems and challenges. We’re just as human as everyone else, and with that comes all the variations, diversity, and shortcomings that one can expect. No, we don’t necessarily all like each other. We have our disagreements and conflicts. Personalities sometimes outright clash. And, as appealing as the fantasy of a 24/7 pup life might seem, the boons and the banes of the everyday world are just as much present with us as with anyone else.

Nor do I, at a personal level, hold myself to be some shining example of all that’s good and none of the bad that goes with being a pup. I’m just as human as the next person. I make mistakes; my decisions and choices haven’t always borne the best of results. More than once I’ve realized I could have handled something better than I did. There are those that have rubbed me the wrong way, and I’d be surprised if the converse wasn’t also true. I sure as heck don’t claim to know everything or be an expert on any subject.

And, yes, when it comes to our communal pup pack, I confess myself to be biased, my views subjective. My attachments to and involvement with it run too deep and carry too much meaning for it to be otherwise.I have great affection for my pupbrothers and sisters, and I don't hide that.

But when I come at this question and those that follow once it’s in the open, it’s with the experience gained from having feet firmly in both the pup and leather communities. Yes, there are people with far greater experience in either than I have. However, many of these men and women are my role models, some have been or are mentors, and all are people from whom I have learned. And one of the universal things I’ve learned from these role models is that this community, like any other, is at its best when it reinforces the importance of allowing the individual to explore his or her own path for growth and development. It's at its best when the pulse of brotherhood reaches all parts with equal strength.

So, again, why the negativity toward pups and the pup and handler community? Why are we not afforded the opportunity borne of this concept of growth, a concept which many of the same naysayers claim to espouse? Why are we denied the bonds of wider brotherhood, when those bonds are a foundation upon which the broader leather and kink communities have thrived?

Is it because we, as a community within the greater whole, are fairly new? Granted, the contemporary pup community pack is less than a decade old. Yet, in that relatively short span of time, this pack has grown and flourished at a remarkable rate. We’ve forged a brotherhood built on common values and interests we share. We’ve seen a considerable number of pup and handler groups springing up all over, not just in the U.S., but worldwide. In many ways, the pup community is testimony to what can be accomplished in the age of social media.

But if our newness is a cause for negativity and hostility, then I confess myself stumped. We’ve done nothing that other segments of the broader community haven’t also done. The leatherboys followed a comparable course during their emergence fifteen or so years ago, and that is but one example. And there was resistance to that emergence in its earlier days. Other groups within the community have experienced similar paths – and similar hurdles.

What is it that gives rise to this resistance to change and evolution? What is it that slams shut the gates to the community in the faces of those trying to find a place within – and when there’s plenty of room in the neighborhood for all. Leather and kink were never intended to be some kind of cultural Home Owner’s Association!

How much of this comes from some ingrained compulsion to defend traditional values and practices from change rather than a willingness to balance tradition with change? Is it a blinded and fettered drive to preserve what was and maintain what is at the expense of what can be? Or is it a belief that because one individual’s approach to kink is right, any others must be wrong?

I’m a big supporter of tradition and an advocate of the concept. It provides a sense of historical perspective to our community, a kind of continuum mapping where we are and how we got there. Tradition can be the roots from which future growth can spring and the fruit of new ideas blossom. It’s the fuel in the torch one generation passes to the next. It’s the catalyst that harnesses the power of change to propel itself forward, renewed and relevant.

But, within the leather and kink community, traditions are not rules. They’re a framework of values to be passed on, with the expectation that the future generations will own them in their own way. Where personal growth and development are considered key, tradition should not be the roadblock on their highway. Change is inevitable. It comes with the passage of time and the influx of new ideas. To avoid obsolescence and remain vital, traditional values and practices must adapt.

The leather and kink community today is not what it was twenty, thirty, or forty years ago. Yes, there are concepts and values that have been passed along, but they have all changed and evolved along the way. They will continue to do so as they go into the future. To claim or pretend otherwise is something of a disregard for what’s come before and what is yet to come.

It cannot be denied that the contemporary pup and handler has adapted existing traditions to its own emerging identity. But this isn’t some conscious or communal effort to disregard all that’s come before us, to thumb our collective noses at any structures that already exist. It’s taking concepts that have survived and evolved over the passing years and owning them in such a way that meets our community needs and drives. It’s not to disrespect anything that’s out there, but to pay our respects while forging our self-identity. It’s to show that the ideals and values of the past can be vital and relevant enough to be accepted by the next generation.

Of course, to accept that the pup community is preserving past tenets, values and practices within its own contexts is to shoot the first hole in the next argument: pups and pup play are just a passing trend. Now, I will not dispute that there are those among us who are here because being a pup is the “in” thing right now. However, I will completely and utterly reject any statement that dismisses pups as a whole.

Pups are not a new addition to the demographics of the kink community. Nor is puppy play a new fetish. True, what we consider pup play today is not what it was back 20 – 30 year ago. Back then, it was primarily a punishment or humiliation. Now it’s a wide array of personal expression. Socially, we’re organizing into groups and clubs that are set up to meet the needs and interests of our part of the community. A true brotherhood has been formed, one of the closest I've ever experienced much less been part of. That we have pulled together as a pack as tightly as we have in the face of loss and adversity completely renders any arguments about us being trendy irrelevant and without merit.

So if it’s not a trend, and it’s not about tradition, then what’s the logical basis for the negativity aimed at the pup community?

Is it our relationships? This should be a unifying point, not a divisive one. Handler/pup relationships are just as real Sir/boy or Daddy/boy or other relationships that are formed around the D/s dynamic (that isn’t to say all handler/pup relationships are considered D/s relationships by those in them, only that they exist). And, like any relationship, each is distinct.

I’m not going to venture into specific statements and misconceptions I’ve encountered, either directly or indirectly, regarding handler/pup relationships. Many of us have heard them. Suffice it to say that my personal belief is that if the relationship is safe and nurturing, if those within it are content and happy with what they have and with one another, then it’s up to those same people to define what works for them. The only limit to our relationships is our imaginations!

Could it be that we, as a community, are being judged by the actions of a handful? Again, there’s no arguing that there are people who have used being a “pup” as an excuse to act out and cross lines of acceptable behavior. But I have to ask this. Would the actions of one or two boys be considered a reflection on or definition of leatherboys as a whole? Leatherwomen? Bears? Any other segment of the community? No, they wouldn’t.

So why do that to us pups? There are plenty of us out there setting the positive example, so to claim we aren’t visible is without merit. And not only are we setting that example, but we, as a community, are trying to police our own as well, to reinforce such basics as respect for personal space. Why wouldn’t we? We have the same concerns.

So maybe it comes down to the last point: respect? Is there some underlying thought that keeps relegating us to being the black sheep of the leather and kink community? Is it that a self-perpetuating cycle has been set in motion where people want respect from the pup community which itself has felt disrespected? Or is it just a refusal to respect anything that’s too different coupled with an unwillingness to have even one conversation that could change that and make all the difference? Is it something else altogether?

There is no pup revolution, as some would have it. We aren’t out to take the kink world by storm and redefine everything about it. As I said once before, we aren’t looking to upset the banquet table, we just want a place to put our bowls down and eat along with everyone else. In the end, we’re all part of one big community. And if we want to be seen as such by those on the outside, we have to be one on the inside. A community divided is no community at all.

The only change that needs to happen – and the sooner the better – is to get past this divisive belittling and misconceived judgmentalism. Let’s talk TO one another, not just AT or ABOUT one another. It’s the only way we’ll ever learn what we need to know about each other. And learning requires that we open ourselves to new ideas and concepts; that we step outside our comfort zone.  Change requires that we dare to think differently from before and take risks.

And, sometimes, that’s the scariest kind of edge play we can experience!

Let me close this with a challenge. Take the time to learn who and what we are. Take the chance of getting past a surface appearance and finding the real substance of the people in this great big pack. Don't fall into preconceptions and stereotyping.

Let's all get beyond all these things that are holding us back. Let's take the "ad" out of adversity, celebrate what's left, and put the "unity" back in community.