Thank You, Puppies

I went into the International Puppy contest knowing I'd have an enjoyable experience, and that I'd learn a few things along the way. But I really wasn't expecting the magnitude of what I brought away from the whole thing. My pup brothers, those who were competing and those who were there to support, all gave me something more valuable than I can say.

I got to reconnect with some pups I haven't seen in awhile, I got to meet some pups whom I'd only come to know over Facebook, and I encountered one or two for the very first time. And we all seemed to share that same pup energy!

I have to say, I'm glad there were only 5 pup contestants. All that pup energy during the interviews was making me want to get down there and play! Fortunately, I got to do just that right after all the interviews were concluded.

The last few weeks - months - have been a defining period for me, especially since leaving Mister J's service in March and again with the development of a D/s relationship between myself and boy tom. And, as I've said elsewhere and more than once, my perceptions of myself are changing even as I discover new things within me and continue my own journey. I came away from this weekend with a renewwed sense of validation and connection and assurance that it's all been for the good.

I was so fortunate that, last week, boy tom gave me a chance to find that I can comfortable both pup and Dom. And, this weekend, I got to re-discover where I still fit in among my pup brothers (and not just on the bottom).

Woof Roth used the term "switch pup" to describe me during the Pup 101 session on Saturday. I don't know if my expression reflected my reaction, but something about that clicked and made sense.

As much as I've bonded with other pups over the last 5 years, and as much as I've come to love and be involved in our pup community, there was just something extra about it all this weekend. I've really noticed that, for me anyway, no two moshes or pup play sessions are the same. This weekend in Tampa was no different, and I'm glad I got to be part of it.

If any one thing was reinforced through it all, it was that we pups and our handlers are forging a strong community of our own; one that has bonded well and fits within the greater leather and kink community. Knowing I'm part of it is both invigorating and rewarding in and of itself.

I'm not sure I can thank you all enough - not just for the weekend fun - but for what I took with me when it was done.

Thank you, boy tom

What a weekend! I have to hand it to the guys at COMMAND MC for putting together a great anniversary celebration. And I have to thank them for the honor of being invited to the judges’ panel for Mr. Maryland Leather 2013 (I filled in for Daddy Tim, who couldn’t make it down). It was more than I expected, getting to be part of such a great group of people and getting to meet two excellent contestants.

Yet, as awesome as all of that was, it still pales compared to the first public outing with my boy, boy tom.

We’ve been exploring a D/s relationship between us for a few weeks now, but pretty much keeping it low key. As MML drew closer, though, we realized this would be the first time we’d be out there in full public view. We talked it through at length and agreed we were ready. And, out of respect, there were a few who were told in advance (Mister J as my former Mister, SIR John as tom’s guardian, Sir Len as tom’s former Sir, and my husband Ken who has been privy to this all along).

I’m happy to say we had and have the support of all four. 

More than a couple heads were turned when they realized that boy tom was in service to me, and a couple times we had to explain how this has evolved (some remember tom acting as my handler during pup play).  The majority, though, seemed to be expecting us to reach this point. Go figure.

I will say that, getting closer to the weekend, I was a little skittish about it. At first glance, it seemed like one thing when it’s quietly developing, but another when out there for all to see. But as Friday drew closer, I realized it didn’t have to be. I actually began to look forward to the weekend even more – and actually hoped being asked to step in as a judge wouldn’t diminish what I and boy tom were both anticipating.

I won’t presume to speak for how the boy feels, but I found the time and experience in no way diminished. I found myself feeling proud to have him as my boy.  More importantly, I felt lucky to have him in service to me. To see the gleam in his eyes whenever he did something for me – and when I thanked him for it - was both rewarding and grounding.

Yes, I hated it just as much removing the collar at the end of the weekend. I’d like to see something stay there longer term, but we have to agree on what that means to us and where it will fit in with other things in our lives. Somehow, I suspect we’ll reach that agreement. 

To boy tom, I can’t thank you enough. Not only for the service which you provided me this weekend, but for the chance to learn more and to take yet another step.  One of the most important things you showed me is that I can still be Pup and Dom at the same time – that was a harder thing to bridge than I let on. Just as importantly, with quiet grace you let me make my stumbles so I could learn from them. I cannot say how much that means to me.

Almost Nine Years as an AMCC rep...

One of the things about long road trips is that they afford you time to think on things that might not ordinarily cross your mind. This past weekend, Steve and I drove up to Ogunquit, Maine, and back for the Harbor Masters’ 30^th Anniversary weekend, and the AMCC meeting being hosted by that club. As is always the case with us, the drive itself was an adventure to be remembered, but the quiet times offered up a lot of value, too.

I found myself thinking back to my first AMCC meeting as the DC boys of Leather rep. That was March, 2004, at the Long Island Ravens 12^th Anniversary run. I ended up going mainly because no one else in the club was free that particular weekend, and Gene (the sitting DCboL president at the time) asked me if I’d go. I was a little skittish about it, but agreed to it anyway.  So, off I went, with instructions from my club on how to vote on a particular matter.

People will often ask me what benefits can be had from involvement in AMCC. And I will first try to address that at a club level, since AMCC is an organization of clubs. But there is also the personal level, and I can speak to that with even more passion.

I still remember how awkward I felt when I got to the hotel in Ronkonkoma that Saturday morning. I think the only person there I really knew was Steve. There were a few others with whom I was acquainted, enough to help me get passed the initial awkwardness. But there I was, quiet and more than a little detached, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing and why I was there with all these people.

Fortunately, they didn’t let me stay detached long.  The ice got broken. Different people drew me into different conversations. At the meeting itself, any skittishness was quickly dispelled by all the friendly guys I was meeting. By the time the formal dinner rolled around Saturday evening, I was having a blast, invited to sit with people I’d really just met. Before the weekend was over, I’d made some friendships that have proven to be long-lasting and more rewarding than I thought possible going into all of that.

How different would things be today if I hadn’t gone to the Long Island Ravens run to attend an AMCC meeting? I often jokingly say that it was the Ravens that corrupted me, but the truth is that it was there that I began to shed the quiet boy who stayed off to the side and become the active, more than slightly crazy leatherman I am today.

More than that, though, it’s the friendships and sense of community that I found through it all that have had such a deep and lasting impact on me. That weekend in March 2004 opened the way to a series of experiences that brought for me a lot of growth and chance. From there, through the Centaurs Olympia in September 2004, the DC boys’ 5^th anniversary weekend in Rehoboth, and culminating with the AMCC meeting and harbor cruise dinner hosted by Empire City MC in October 2004 (their 40^th anniversary). By the time I made it to another AMCC meeting in Philly on New Years’ Day 2005, I felt like part of the whole.

And now – nearly 9 years later, I look back and I see a path filled with rich friendships and experiences. What do I get from AMCC? OK, the meetings can be blah. But these weekends aren’t about the meetings. They aren’t even about the parties and the cocktails. These weekends are about friends and – in a sense – family. Some of the people I’ve come to know over these years are more than just friends. The relationships I’ve built with all of them are what make the “work” I do through and on behalf of AMCC so enjoyable. They’re what contribute to the great memories I’ve come to cherish.

A bunch of us sitting in the hospitality suite at a Pennsmen run. We chose to stay there rather than go to the bar. What happened next was a tickle scene resulting in a chair flying across a room.  Oh, and the beginnings of a little group called the ButtMunchkins.

Twenty-seven of us from the DC/Baltimore leather community on the same flight out of BWI to Portland for the Harbor Masters 25^th.

I still think NePA planned that fire alarm to have the Scranton Fire Dept to welcome us to their run.

The Philadelphians and the Scream Girl eye openers at Tri-Cen.  9:00 am is way too early for orange chiffon!

July 2009 - the DC boys of Leather 10th Anniversary in Washington. A number of us sitting on the porch of the hotel until almost 3:30 am, just laughing and carrying on like nothing else was going on in the world.

Olympia 2010 and the plannings of the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory cocktail at the LI Ravens in 2011 – which won both the best and worst cocktail of the run awards. I’ll never look at an Oompa Lompa the same way again, that’s all I’m sayin’! And believe me, Tootsie Rolls and bubble machines do NOT go together.

This isn’t meant to be a plug for AMCC. Besides, like I said, AMCC is first and foremost there for the clubs. But the clubs are all made up of people, and each person takes away his or her own experiences and has his or her own perspective. Those combined are what make us, as a whole, so dynamic. This just happens to be mine. And much of what I have gotten on a personal level I brought back to back to my club.

I can only hope I’ve managed to give them some of what I’ve gotten out of all of it so far.

Readiness

How does someone ever really know they’re ready to take the Dom role and take on a sub (in my case, a boy or service pup)? As I’ve been experiencing growth and change in this area, it’s a question that’s come to mind from time to time, one that was more than a little daunting at first.

Now? Oddly enough, it knocks me away from the complacent zone and reminds me that further growth demands a certain level of discomfort. Challenge should never be comfortable, and growth is nigh on impossible without challenge.

At this time, I can say that there is a boy interested in me as a Dom. A boy who likes to pup out, so that makes it an added bonus in to me. At first I was taken a little aback that this boy would come to see me this way.  The more I look at the last few months, though, I can see that there were subtle signs.  I’m glad I caught one somewhat subtle sign, as that opened the door. The boy is someone I’ve known for awhile and long ago came to respect. Someone whom I’ve come to know embodies many traits I relate to from my own experiences as a leatherboy.

Fortunately, for both of us, there are distinct differences in what he brings to being a leatherboy and my own experiences. Truth be told, I wouldn’t want someone exactly like me.  I know I have a long way to go as a Dom, and I’ll need the challenge of those differences for that growth to happen. Just as fortunate, I have others to whom I can turn for guidance as needed.

So, am I ready? I’m ready to begin exploring the next step, knowing this is one that can’t be taken alone. I’m ready to ask questions, not just of others for guidance, but of myself and of the boy for what we expect and where we see this going. I’m ready to be absolutely sure my husband is very much a part of this process. I’m ready to admit (and already admitting) that this is just as much training for me as a Dom as it will be for a boy under my care. I’m ready to be patient and open to ideas and concepts I haven’t considered.

The one thing I’m NOT is scared. I realized awhile ago there was no need to be.  Come what may, it promises to be interesting and revealing on many levels!

Just Reflecting

OK, so this coming Monday will be my 46th birthday.  No big deal, really. I'll have fun over the weekend leading up to it, yes.  But, then, I almost always manage to have fun.

What did get me reminiscing a little, though, was thinking back to my 18th birthday (1984).  I remembered that tomorrow, Sept. 29, marks the 28th anniversary of my graduation from US Navy boot camp.  Damn...28 years.

I still have to giggle, though, at what happened on my birthday in boot camp.  One other guy in my company also turned 18 that day.  Unlike him, though, I tried to keep the fact quiet. After 8 weeks in boot camp, I knew the last thing ya ever wanted to do was give your Company Commanders any reason to call you out. The other guy (his name was Rich, if I remember correctly), didn't think that way.

And sure as hell, the CC's called him out to cycle him for 18 minutes.  And, as he knew it was also my birthday, he told them.  So I get called out to join him.  And we got our asses cycled for 18 minutes. The full gamut of push-ups, lunges, and everything else. All in front of the rest of the company, and they all had a good laugh at our expense.

But I got the last laugh. After the 18 minutes were up, the CC's gave Rich an extra gift: they gave him my midnight fire watch for ratting me out.

Yep, I smile as I think back on it. 28 years ago, there I was just out of high school and about to wrap up boot camp. About to begin my tours over 10 years in the Navy. Ready to take on the world.

Wow!

I Walk Alone in the Night

I WALK ALONE IN THE NIGHT

 

This one was actually published in 1994 in Today's Greatest Poets

 

I walk alone in the night
Lost in darkness within and without
Searching for a glimmer of light
To show me that I'm not alone
That my dreams are more than just dreams

 

I walk alone in the night
Untouched by joy or pain
I ache for the sunlight of companionship
But my tears give me only rain
The echo of my heart, thunder

 

I walk alone in the night
No stranger to the shadows of despair
For in my lonely world are others
Others like me, beyond my reach
All of us alone in the dark

 

I walk alone in the night
Until, at last, I see a hand
It reaches for mine, bringing the dawn
Boldly I take it, afraid to let go
And step forth into the sunlight

Good Luck, Pup Zinger

It’s been awhile since I made an entry.  But, then, it ended up being a busy summer.  Way busier than I originally thought it would be. Hopefully, I’ll start to get caught up.

Right now, though, I’m thinking about my beta pup and wishing him well in his new life. He came back east from San Francisco to settle up things in Philly and then spent a weekend of fun at Olympia (more on that later).

Saying farewell is never easy, and I knew going into the weekend that the inevitable moment for that would come.  Fortunately, it didn’t shed a shadow on the weekend, and we were able to enjoy the various adventures that Olympia has to offer.  We made a kick-ass team in the Dungeon Games! Still, that last hug on Monday morning was a tear-filled moment, but not without smiles.

His relocating to the West Coast doesn’t have to automatically mean an end to our Alpha/beta relationship. In fact, we did talk about that and both agree we want it to continue.  How that may unfold is, of course, yet to be seen. But since this isn’t a permanent good-bye and we’ll see each other again here and there – and since in the electronic age we’re only a text or email away – there’s a lot of room for things to continue. Yeah, it’s going to be different.  But, as much as that may seem to be a downer, it’s more likely growth cloaked in opportunity.

And it doesn’t mean I won’t miss my beta.  I will.  A lot.

Pup, ever since we met at MAL in 2011, you’ve been both a challenge and a great friend. We’ve had some incredible adventures along the way. I know I’m never going to think back on IML 2011 without remembering me sliding down the wall in Scooter’s room and then you walking me back to my room in the other tower.  Or the non-stop shenanigans at MAL 2012 with you and Daddy John sharing the room with Ken and me. And, of course, CLAW. I know the friendship and the adventures will continue, and I look forward to them.

Without meaning to, you somehow brought me face-to-face with the next step in my growth as a pup and a leatherman.  From that very first weekend, you’ve challenged my perceptions of myself. Along with Mister J and Tom Buckley, you’ve already played a major part in me learning to accept myself as I become more than I’ve been. I knew the alpha was within me; you along with a handful of others helped me bring it to the fore. Pup Tripp has grown, and it’s owed in no small part to Zinger being my beta.  It’s reassuring to know that’s going to continue.

I wish you well in your new life. May the Mother grant you happiness, good fortune, and much love as you settle into your new home. Take care of yourself and be well.  I’m going to miss you, but you still have my love and support!
Not good-bye; only farewell until we see each other again in the near future!