Just Reflecting

OK, so this coming Monday will be my 46th birthday.  No big deal, really. I'll have fun over the weekend leading up to it, yes.  But, then, I almost always manage to have fun.

What did get me reminiscing a little, though, was thinking back to my 18th birthday (1984).  I remembered that tomorrow, Sept. 29, marks the 28th anniversary of my graduation from US Navy boot camp.  Damn...28 years.

I still have to giggle, though, at what happened on my birthday in boot camp.  One other guy in my company also turned 18 that day.  Unlike him, though, I tried to keep the fact quiet. After 8 weeks in boot camp, I knew the last thing ya ever wanted to do was give your Company Commanders any reason to call you out. The other guy (his name was Rich, if I remember correctly), didn't think that way.

And sure as hell, the CC's called him out to cycle him for 18 minutes.  And, as he knew it was also my birthday, he told them.  So I get called out to join him.  And we got our asses cycled for 18 minutes. The full gamut of push-ups, lunges, and everything else. All in front of the rest of the company, and they all had a good laugh at our expense.

But I got the last laugh. After the 18 minutes were up, the CC's gave Rich an extra gift: they gave him my midnight fire watch for ratting me out.

Yep, I smile as I think back on it. 28 years ago, there I was just out of high school and about to wrap up boot camp. About to begin my tours over 10 years in the Navy. Ready to take on the world.

Wow!

I Walk Alone in the Night

I WALK ALONE IN THE NIGHT

 

This one was actually published in 1994 in Today's Greatest Poets

 

I walk alone in the night
Lost in darkness within and without
Searching for a glimmer of light
To show me that I'm not alone
That my dreams are more than just dreams

 

I walk alone in the night
Untouched by joy or pain
I ache for the sunlight of companionship
But my tears give me only rain
The echo of my heart, thunder

 

I walk alone in the night
No stranger to the shadows of despair
For in my lonely world are others
Others like me, beyond my reach
All of us alone in the dark

 

I walk alone in the night
Until, at last, I see a hand
It reaches for mine, bringing the dawn
Boldly I take it, afraid to let go
And step forth into the sunlight

Good Luck, Pup Zinger

It’s been awhile since I made an entry.  But, then, it ended up being a busy summer.  Way busier than I originally thought it would be. Hopefully, I’ll start to get caught up.

Right now, though, I’m thinking about my beta pup and wishing him well in his new life. He came back east from San Francisco to settle up things in Philly and then spent a weekend of fun at Olympia (more on that later).

Saying farewell is never easy, and I knew going into the weekend that the inevitable moment for that would come.  Fortunately, it didn’t shed a shadow on the weekend, and we were able to enjoy the various adventures that Olympia has to offer.  We made a kick-ass team in the Dungeon Games! Still, that last hug on Monday morning was a tear-filled moment, but not without smiles.

His relocating to the West Coast doesn’t have to automatically mean an end to our Alpha/beta relationship. In fact, we did talk about that and both agree we want it to continue.  How that may unfold is, of course, yet to be seen. But since this isn’t a permanent good-bye and we’ll see each other again here and there – and since in the electronic age we’re only a text or email away – there’s a lot of room for things to continue. Yeah, it’s going to be different.  But, as much as that may seem to be a downer, it’s more likely growth cloaked in opportunity.

And it doesn’t mean I won’t miss my beta.  I will.  A lot.

Pup, ever since we met at MAL in 2011, you’ve been both a challenge and a great friend. We’ve had some incredible adventures along the way. I know I’m never going to think back on IML 2011 without remembering me sliding down the wall in Scooter’s room and then you walking me back to my room in the other tower.  Or the non-stop shenanigans at MAL 2012 with you and Daddy John sharing the room with Ken and me. And, of course, CLAW. I know the friendship and the adventures will continue, and I look forward to them.

Without meaning to, you somehow brought me face-to-face with the next step in my growth as a pup and a leatherman.  From that very first weekend, you’ve challenged my perceptions of myself. Along with Mister J and Tom Buckley, you’ve already played a major part in me learning to accept myself as I become more than I’ve been. I knew the alpha was within me; you along with a handful of others helped me bring it to the fore. Pup Tripp has grown, and it’s owed in no small part to Zinger being my beta.  It’s reassuring to know that’s going to continue.

I wish you well in your new life. May the Mother grant you happiness, good fortune, and much love as you settle into your new home. Take care of yourself and be well.  I’m going to miss you, but you still have my love and support!
Not good-bye; only farewell until we see each other again in the near future!

Something to Talk About

Even though I’ve recently mentioned a lot here about change and transition for myself as a leatherman, still I find myself being surprised by little moments here and there.  I mean, for the most part, I don’t dwell on it; in the back of my mind is an awareness that these changes are happening and that the process is ongoing.  Maybe once in awhile a comment or two will be made that brings it to the fore.

I’ve never hid the fact that I want to, someday, take on a pup of my own.  I’ve experienced the handler side of things and know that it feels both natural and fulfilling.  And I’ve been able to quickly realize that having a pup means I’m in any way less of a pup myself.  If anything, it would reinforce my empathy and understanding.

But there’s been something else going along with it that I only rarely mention – and last night really stated to Ken for the first time: that I’m open to the possibility of taking on a boy. 

It’s somehow odd to be saying that and not feel uncomfortable any more.  Maybe because it’s not so much recognizing another part of myself emerging, but getting a clearer idea of something I already know is there.
 

With Ken, though, this has been putting the possibility on the table –and finding that not only did he kind of expect it, but that he actually supports the idea. So now it goes from me thinking about it to now talking with my husband about it, to see where we can take it together.

I find myself looking forward to those conversations!

Fun in New York and Folsom East

OK, now that I’ve pretty much recovered from an incredible weekend in New York.  After so much fun, it’s hard to believe I let 10 years pass between trips to Folsom East.  Yep!  10 years!  Last time I was there, we had drinks at the Lure.

I went into the weekend really – REALLY – looking forward, not just to having fun in New York, but to letting loose and having a good time with friends.  I’d pretty much made my decision to make Folsom East soon after CLAW (I think talking with CB kinda put the idea in my head).  After that, it was just a matter of making sure I had a place to stay.  After that, the having fun part would be easy.  Especially since there was a pup mosh involved.

And it was!  I pretty much flew out of the office at noon on Friday, picked up Steve in Harrisburg and left for NYC by 5pm and got in a little after 8. A breather at Coyote’s in Jersey City and on to two drunken nights at the NY Eagle, an afternoon wandering around the Village for the hell of it, and Folsom East!  Is it any wonder I was exhausted yesterday?  

Of course, it’s the time spent with good friends that made this weekend so fantastic.  It was good to get quality time with my friends Steve and Coyote.  We get too little as it is. Steve and I got to enjoy a leisurely afternoon in the Village.  Too often we’re either in town for or passing through from an AMCC meeting.  And any chance to hang with Coyote will end with fun being had and a good cigars being enjoyed.  Also got to hang out Friday night and Saturday evening with boy Matt, whom I met in Philly last month.  Pup Sox was with Pup Gunny were at the NY Eagle on Saturday and then caught up with them again at Folsom East on Sunday.  My pup made it in on Sunday for Folsom East, and it was good to see him again, even if for just an afternoon.  He and I had an “advent-cha” just getting from the pup mosh area to the Eagle and back! Wish I could have spent a little more time with Joe Aiello – fun and evil (is that redundant?) seem to close in whenever we’re together…or at least we seem to spawn the evil part!

And what’s a weekend like this without making some new friends?  Matt and Nate, who also stayed at Coyote’s – new to leather but they definitely have the energy for it. Pup Gunny, who was with Sox, glad I finally got to meet face to face.

I have to thank all of them for just being there and being who they are.  You guys are all incredible!  And extra thanks to Coyote for putting us up for the weekend.  

There are three, however, to whom I want to give additional thanks.  I said earlier I was looking forward to pup play during the weekend.  I’ll say now that I was a little apprehensive about it but was trying to not let it show.

The simple fact is that in the almost three months since being uncollared, I had not yet been able to get back into pupspace.  Not even at CLAW or at the MAKK Puppy Park.  I wanted to.  I tried. But, for whatever reason, I couldn’t do it.  As eager as I was for it going to Folsom or even getting into gear, that was still in the back of my head (again, didn’t want it to show, though).

But I did find the way back into pupspace and to be able to let go.  First, I want to thank my own beta.  Zinger, I have a hunch you knew how much I needed to release and go there, no matter that I would have liked having you romping with me.  And also for making sure I was okay when I came back out.  Also to Gunny for keeping me engaged.  And lastly, thanks to boy Matt.  You have talent as a handler, trust me!

The pup play was definitely a great conclusion to one hell of a weekend, and it was needed.  I hated leaving the festival, but as Steve and I walked back to Christopher Street, I began to be ready to go home.  I knew Ken was there waiting and I wanted to get back to him.

 The trip home was pretty quiet (Steve slept from Bethlehem until just outside of Harrisburg), so I had lots of opportunity to reflect, to consider, and to forge some new ideas.  This trip gave me a chance to blow off some steam and to re-energize for the things I'm working on here in DC.

 

The Stranger Awakes

THE STRANGER AWAKES
 

Beyond the nearing horizon 

 Lies a dream that never sleeps
A wave of vision in my mind
Into my waking world creeps

The dream takes shape before my eyes
Its shadow a wish I fear  

Unfolding into what is real
And to truth I fear to hear

Before my eyes, a man I know
Yet a stranger I fear to see
For I have looked into my soul

And I know the stranger is me

To the DC boys of Leather

Sometimes moments of reflection come when we least expect them.  Maybe that’s a good thing, at least for me, because usually my mind goes quite a ways down whichever road before I realize where I’ve actually gone and I’m left with some substantial thoughts to ponder.

Right now, it’s thinking about all who have helped bring me to where I now am in my own journey. And among all the people and groups, one group stands out above all the rest:

The DC boys of Leather. 

It’s through the DC boys that I went from a very quiet novice leatherboy to the transitioning Alpha pup I am today.  So many of the people I've come to know, so many of those who've walked with me or given me wisdom and courage, I met through the DC boys.

I honestly can’t fathom where I would be without the club and, more importantly, these boys I’ve come to call – and am proud to call – brothers. It doesn’t seem possible that I’m entering my tenth year as a member of the DC boys, and yet it is. I was a pledge in the summer of 2003, voted in as a brother that following November.  One of the four remaining in the first pledge class.

Yet I can still remember it clearly.  I remember meeting Ky at Olympia in 2002, soon after I met Mikey Miller and Gene.  I still blame the three of them for getting me into this! OK, they didn’t do anything except be themselves and show me what potential could be found in the world of leather boys.  Truth is, they opened a door for me; one that I stepped through and then barely looked back at for awhile. 

When I met all three of them at the Cigar & Brandy social hosted by Mary Elizabeth Boyd during ABW 2003, I really felt the draw to the DCboL. On some level I identified with the energy they displayed as club brothers and as boys. That was when I knew I wanted to be a part of the DC boys of Leather.

Man, I was so excited to be accepted as a pledge. Energized as a pledge. And when I received my backpatch? I was so proud and elated to at last be part of it.  Heck, even today I’ll look at that well-travelled club vest and remember how I felt the first time I saw that patch on leather.

It’s been one hell of a trip since then.  Mikey Miller had plans for us new members, getting us involved to take some of the stress of the longer-serving brothers.  Plans that put us on the E-board.  Funny that it all came to pass!  In June 2004, I was elected V-P after little more than 7 months in the club. Some on the outside said I was fool to take that on so early.  But it began two years of an incredible team under Ky’s presidency, the first half of an incredible four-year high, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But there was another event in 2004 that proved just as pivotal: I stepped in as the DC boys’ AMCC rep.  In March 2004 I attended my first AMCC meeting at a Long Island Ravens’ run.  I was so scared going into that!  I hardly knew anyone there. But I made some lasting friendships, opened doors that I didn’t realize until later.  In fact, my involvement as the club’s AMCC rep alone has been one hell of a trip in itself! 

If my 2 years as Ky’s veep were the first half of a 4-year high, my first 2 years as DCboL president were the other half.  I’ll let others judge the worth and impact of those 2 year (as well as the 3^rd). I know the friendships and community relationships I forged during those years contributed to my growth in ways I’m still realizing. For me, they were fun, filled with challenges and, more importantly, countless opportunities to meet the people who make our leather tribe the diverse and vital family it really is. I gave the best I had to offer as president, but I think I gained even more.

Of course, I also know now that those few times I thought I had the brothers convinced I knew what I was doing, they were just smiling and thinking, “Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!”  I recall that when I was re-elected for the 2^nd year, I thanked them for trusting me even if I didn’t always trust myself.  Sometimes I wondered why they did at all. But I know now that, by doing so, they lifted me up to where I needed to be.

When I think on that, I see that all the nods of appreciation, the awards and honors – while I value each and every one of them – pale in comparison to the knowledge that my brothers trusted me and had my back every step of the way.

I’m lucky that I’ve never been at odds with any of my club brothers over these last 9 years.  I’ve shared laughs and fun with all them.  I’ve been a shoulder for many to cry on, and I’ve cried on more than one. I miss so many that have come and gone – and those we’ve lost. They are my friends, my brothers, and, in ways I can't fully describe, my family

“Thank you” doesn’t seem nearly enough to express how grateful I am for all you’ve given me. Being with you is the adventure of a lifetime, and one that I wouldn't trade for anything. I’m still proud of that backpatch, but that’s nothing compared to being able to point at any of you wearing it and saying “You’re my brother.”

Political Motto

So long as some insist on imposing religious doctrine as rule of law, there will never be liberty and justice for all.

After CLAW, Part II

In still reflecting on this past weekend at CLAW 11, I realize that there are so many I want to thank for making it the incredibly fantastic weekend that it was.  Without them, it would have just been a trip to another leather gathering; each of them contributed something to making it so much more. I know I'm going to forget someone, and I apologize if I do.

I want to start with the Ohio boys of Leather (Johnny, boy Greg, boy Tom, Rocky) for letting me join you for their Java boys coffee service.  What a way to start the days!  It was a blast and I’d love to do it again. 

To my friends Joe Aiello and Jed Ryan – always great seeing both of you. Maybe I should model more often.

To Robert VanNess (aka beaniepup) – having you as a pup brother is an honor.  Coffee service with you was made that much more fun.

Darren - I don't get to see you often enough! As I've said, I'm so happy for you - for both of you! 

To Chris Roth and his Puppy Boo for all you did to make the pups happy and bring us all together.

Jeremy Morris (Mr. Iowa Leather) – always fun to see you and the added Sunday morning pounce was awesome. You did a great job as Table Captain too! ARF ARF!!

Mama Sandy Reinhardt - Seeing you is always a pleasure. But an extra thank you this time for being in the right place at the right moment.

CB Kirby - WOOF!  I'm going to make it to NYC for Puppy Night, I promise!

Piglet - Just for being you! Any time you want to romp with the pups, go right ahead and do it!

Pup Achilles - Glad we got some time together in the mosh.  

My brother boy john Urso – there aren’t enough words for it all and to Sir John for caring.

My beta, pup Zinger, for my first outing as a handler. 

To Roger (aka Sox), it was great being with you for your first CLAW and thanks for trusting me to be your handler for a night.

Tom Buckley, I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me this weekend.  You held me up when I needed it most and booted my ass through a door I needed to pass through. I knew going into the weekend you were a true friend; I have a renewed appreciation for how deep that goes.

There is one other person I want to thank, and this one wasn’t actually there.  Or, rather, he wasn’t there physically but definitely in spirit – Mister J.  Three years of service given and lessons learned don’t get forgotten, even if they might be temporarily eclipsed by unresolved hurt and confusion.  I came perilously close to an edge that your voice pulled me back from. You were there one more time when Pup Tripp needed that guiding hand, and for that I can’t ever thank you enough.

After CLAW, Part I

CLAW 11 has ended.  I’m back home, but much of the intensity is still with me.  There’s a lot for me to yet sift through, feelings and thoughts to be considered.  It won’t all be easy; I’m pretty sure it will all be for the good in the end.

I went into this, my 2^nd CLAW, with high expectations.  I was in no way disappointed.  It was great to see and spend time with friends I don’t often get to see, and that I got to make a few new ones along the way makes it that much better. CLAW is one of those events where I get reminded time and again how blessed I am to be part of the leather tribe, and it’s an awesome feeling.

I was especially looking forward to meeting up with my brother pups and the handlers/trainers.  Our pup community was well represented.  The Puppy Olympixxx and the moshes were greatly anticipated.  This year, though, it wasn’t just from looking forward to playtime as a pup, but knowing that I’d be taking the role of alpha and handler. I’ve stood poised on that threshold for a while now, and for the first time I was really stepping into that space.

It was way more than I expected.  I’m still trying to find the words to describe how it felt. There was something empowering in knowing that the pups (yes, more than one) in my care trusted me enough to go into whatever level of pupspace they reached. Something powerful in being able to empathize with them as pups while still keeping a focal center. Something fulfilling in knowing I was responsible for keeping th m well and keeping them safe.  Was it fun?  Yes.  But the fun isn’t what stays with me.  It’s the way it just felt so natural to be there.

I’m beginning to get a clearer idea of where I want to go now.  I know I’m not quite ready for it though.  There are things I still have to work through, focus to be regained.  There are questions to ask and to be answered.  But I know now that I CAN go forward, and that's the most liberating feeling of all.