The Forgotten Child

THE FORGOTTEN CHILD  by Rick Hutchings (1996)   I feel I should preface this particular poem with a note. The Forgotten Child does not reflect my own coming out experience. However, I have witnessed the pain of others who have faced the experiences this poem speaks of. Therefore, this poem is dedicated to all those whose honesty was greeted by rejection.

You looked upon me as I lay in my crib
Your baby, so helpless and small
With love's shining eyes
a heart's warmth freely given
I was your child

 

You watched me; you held me
My tears and smiles your own
We laughed and we played
We cried and we prayed
I was your child

 

Parent and child, together we grew
Through love you showed me the world
The hopes that you shared
Showed my future prepared
I was your child

 

When my goals became different
You gave me room to grow
For the child will fall
To the adolescent's call
Still, I was your child

 

One difference in me brooks no refute
A truth I cannot deny
I thought you would see
That I was still me
That I was still your child

 

How then has it happened?
Why do I now stand alone?
Because I chose to reveal
Who I am, what I feel?
Have you forgotten your child?

 

What unforgivable wrong have I done
     that has left me cast away?
Or is there no longer room in your heart
     for me - your child - who is gay?

 

I am who I was, and always will be
     the child you held by the hand
But now I can see, you look upon me
     as a stranger you don't understand

 

You taught me the value of telling the truth
     of honesty right from the start
And yet that I've chosen to tell you the truth
     we now stand worlds apart

 

There's a pain that rages deep in my heart
     sorrows more bitter than you know
You turned me away because I am gay
    you want me - your child - to go

 

How quickly it was you seemed to forget
The happiness we shared
When truth became told
Your hearts became cold
Was I not your child?

Together we stood as a family
Until I learned who I was
Now with trust lying broken
These words go unspoken
I am your child!

I am your child!

I Am a Pup...

I am a PUP.

 

I am a HUMAN person who has the energy of and sometimes behaves like a CANINE person.

 

I am not a freak who thinks they're a dog. I’m a person who recognizes and expresses a deep part of myself that behaves and responds that way.

 

It doesn’t matter how I look on the outside. The things that make me a pup all come from within.

 

I am not necessarily a submissive. Even if I am, unless I’m wearing your collar, I am not YOUR submissive.

 

I do not have to be down on all fours to be a pup.  But if I am…

 

If you want to approach me and don’t know how, "introduce" yourself. Approach me like you would a bio dog: hand down for me to sniff. If I am being handled or watched by someone, ask them first.

 

Belly rubs and ear scritches are almost always welcome. But, remember, please introduce yourself.

If I’m down on all fours and clearly in some kind of pup headspace, please don’t ask me questions or try to have a conversation with me. Beyond barking for “Yes” or “No,” I probably won’t be able to answer.

 

Do not attempt to feed me real dog biscuits or treats. They are just as bad for me as they are for you.

If you want to give me a treat, make sure it’s something I can have.  Again, ask first. If you don’t see a hander – or if I don’t have one – think twice before offering. I may have allergies you don’t know about.

 

I am not public property for you to poke, prod, yank, spank or otherwise treat disrespectfully.

 

My tail (if I have one) is not there for your amusement. It is there to add to my experience as a pup. To pull on it or otherwise play with it is both disrespectful and physically dangerous.

 

If I growl at you, I have a reason. Stop doing whatever it was that made me growl. I don’t like it.

 

If I yip and wag my tail, then I am a happy pup. Either that, or you have my chewy toy and I want to play!

Going Forward With a Look Back

It's been no secret that I've been pummeled the last couple months at work with a bad situation that has yet to see resolution. Add to it the frenzied final preparations for Metro Leather Pride and the packed schedule for this fall, it really only makes sense that I've had some occasional moments of feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I can only wonder how I manage to stay astride of it all. Having the support of my husband and my boy and such good friends has gone along way.

But sometimes through it all I've found a part of myself missing the safety net that came with being a collared pup. That feeling of everything being okay just by Mister's voice or a glance at the collar in the mirror.

Part of it comes from having recently found the camo chew toy Mister J gave me way back when he first took me as his pup. I was so excited when I found it. I thought I'd lost it forever somewhere along the way. As much as I love my leather bone chewie, The camo rope is so much more special. And finding it brought back a flood of good memories. I've since kept it close at paw, just to draw much-needed strength. Silly? Maybe, but it's helped more than I can say.

It's not that I want to go back to that time or to re-enter service as Mister J's pup. I know I can't go back. Nor do I want to give up what I now have. I'm in a good place with my boy and in my journey. I wouldn't give up either for any collar.

It's enough to just remember. There have been other times when Mister J's gentle guidance (or that stern look and reminder) have come into my mind and gotten me through. I've said before - and will always believe - that part of me will always be His Pup Tripp. So much of what I am today is due to what I was given from Mister J.

And it's good to remember. that, while I'm now Sir to one and addressed as such by others at their preference, my roots as a collared pup are still there. Far better is it to look forward knowing what's been than to turn a blind eye on what's gone into making me who and what I am today.

So, once again, thank you, Mister J.

Becoming Pup Tripp

I don’t think anyone who knows me doubts the passion with which I approach and represent the pup community. In the years since I finally connected with my own inner pup, it has been one of my primary driving forces in terms of service to and involvement in the leather/kink community as a whole. During the three years when I was collared under Mister J, it was as His pup, and it was the conduit through which my heartfelt service was given. All of it with that same driving passion.

To understand it, and why that passion always burns so strongly, I have to go back to my earliest days in the leather/kink community. It was in that very first year, when I was collared as a slave, that I had my initial encounter with pup play and the Handler/pup dynamic. At Southeast Leather Fest 2002 I met Master Skip and his Alpha Pup Tim. A week later, at Folsom East in NYC, I encountered others. These struck a deep chord within me, one that never quieted once awakened. However, my Sir at the time seemed anti-pup and, therefore, I never explored or spoke up about it.

When that relationship ended in 2003, I soon moved on to join the DC boys of Leather. Here were people with whom I identified as a submissive, and I quickly bonded with them. It was more than friendship, but a brotherhood and a home where I felt safe. Where I felt I belonged and could be proud. It opened doorways into a world where I could feel and be so much a part rather than apart.

But the inner pup was still there. It just didn’t have a way out. Even though one of my club brothers was a pup, my own still stayed curled up deep inside. I see now that it was only because we didn’t have anything geared specifically to pups, and there were too few in the area. I know now there were some attempts to make that happen, but they never came to fruition. And, more to the point, there was still something that held me back.

I travelled a lot during these intervening years, and I encountered others of like heart. Those travels were related more to representing the DCboL or our community, and my focus was primarily there. The inner pup looked up an awful lot, enough for me to feel that energy connection.

A time finally came, though, when we numbered a few more pups among the boys. During the summer of 2007 we had at least four. I felt the connection more strongly than ever, and for the first time I actually got to talk about it. All it needed was one more push.

That came at Mid-Atlantic Leather, January 2008. In the cigar tent with a Sir whom I hold in high esteem and his pup, a boot-licking session and romp brought out my inner pup in full. To this day I still don’t really know what triggered it.  All I know is that I pupped out completely and, 45 minutes later, Sir Jason was bringing me out. And when he asked me how it felt, the very first word that came to mind was: NATURAL. I felt and knew I had found a very deep part of myself. A part that had wanted out for so very long, but I hadn’t known how to reach it. That first experience was so liberating!

I wish I could say I ran with it right away, but I didn’t. As I got further removed from that moment, I became unsure and embarrassed. I was afraid to sow it in front of my club brothers or anyone else. Silly, I know, but it was there.

Then came Olympia 2008. The DC boys hosted their 101 Dalmatians cocktail as part of the weekend festivities. For the very first time I pupped out in front of my club brothers and friends in the community. And I knew right away I had been wrong to hold the pup inside. They were so happy for me and supportive. I recall taking a quiet moment because I felt so happy and overwhelmed.  From then on, there was no closing off the inner pup from the rest of my life or myself. Pup Puddles (my first name) was out to stay.

And, one year after my very first pupping out experience, I was collared by Mister J at MAL 2009 as His pup. Soon thereafter he renamed me Tripp. And, if I was active in the wider community before that, my involvement and passion only grew from that time on. Mister J recognized my drive and passion as equal to his own, and he encouraged me to channel it into doing more as a pup for pups and our emerging segment of the community.

That eventually led to the founding of the Mid-Atlantic Kennel Korps (originally called the DC K9 Korps).

As much as I enjoyed my service to the boys, and as sincere as that service was, it’s my service to and involvement with the pup community that has taken me to new heights. Not just as a founder of a club for pups and handlers, but by being alongside so many who share that same energy that defines us and brings us together.

And that passion now goes into representing and doing my part for the pup community. To do my part so that others can find what I’ve found. To do what I can to show that we’re just as much a part of the communal whole.

Sometimes I look back and wonder why it took so long. But I know it had to happen in its own time, and I wouldn’t change it.

A Pup or Not a Pup. There's Only One Question

Sometimes, and more often than I’d like, I still come across conversations – online and otherwise – about who is or isn’t a pup or about such conversations that left a pup hurt and disillusioned. Even worse is when these aren’t actually conversations but rather flat out –and almost always uninformed – statements of so-called fact. Too often these instances end with a pup feeling angry or confused, maybe even marginalized, and almost always hurt. And too many times it’s driven off a pup that might otherwise have made great strides in discovering more about himself and is now detached from a community that would have been supportive.

Make no bones about it (pun only slightly intended); I am very protective of my pupbrothers and sisters. I will argue for them, defend them, and – if necessary – get downright combatative for them. My preference is always to be respectful and to educate where possible. But this alpha does have teeth behind his playful bark.

Pups and pup play are not really new. While the rapid growth of the contemporary pup community (which includes our handlers) is fairly recent, going back really six or seven years, pup play itself goes back much farther, even before the advent of the earliest days of leather. There are among us now pups who have identified as such for more than 20 years. However, the sheer swiftness with which our numbers have grown over the last few years has given rise to a lot of misunderstandings about pups and our play.

One thing and one thing only matters: Is the person a pup in their heart? And that one thing is not for anyone other than the pup to ultimately decide. Just as we talk about the “boy heart” or “slave heart” or even a “Sir’s heart,” there is also the pup heart. And just as we encourage boys and slaves and all others to explore their hearts, to live and be true to what’s in their hearts, so too should we encourage pups.

Too many yet dismiss pups on the basis of arbitrary and incorrect reasoning. The person isn’t the right body size or shape to be a pup. They’re too old. They’re just boys acting out. That since they have no handler, they can’t really be a pup. Or maybe because they don’t wear the “right” gear, or even because they don’t pup out in public settings.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Pups come in all sizes, all ages, all gender identifications and sexual orientations, all fetish preferences, you name it. Gear no more makes a pup than a Sir’s cap makes a Master or Daddy. Some pups are more expressive than others; some are more comfortable in public than others. Gear preferences vary from pup to pup, with some preferring leather, others neoprene, and even those who prefer nothing at all.

Again, it all comes down to what’s in their hearts.

Consider for a moment the vast diversity among bio canines. Not only is there a vast number of different breeds out there, but each dog has his or her own personality, its own likes and dislikes. They come in all ages and sizes, even within the same breed.

Are human pups really any different? We aren’t bio canines, but the energy we draw from and channel is very much canine in nature. We pups don’t have to be geared up or down on all fours in a mosh to be who we are. We don’t need to be in state of constant pupspace. The energy of our inner pups, for many of us, finds ways to integrate with daily activities, often without it being immediately realized.

To say someone isn’t a pup because they don’t fit some preconceived notion of what defines a pup is unfair, degrading and disrespectful. It’s making a call based on appearances and subjective ideas without taking the time to understand what’s in the heart.  It’s necessary to look beyond the gear (or absence thereof) as well as appearance or whatever else is on the outside. It’s what’s on the inside that matters, and snap judgments cannot take that into account.

To be sure, there are things that seem to make it all murkier. There are boys who identify as boys but enjoy pup play. There are pups who are actually Doms. Some people still hearken back to when pup “play” was a form of humiliation. Again, it all comes back to what’s in the heart. The murkiness comes from appearance only.

There are still a lot of pups out there coming to terms with or beginning to explore who and what they are. Our encouragement and acceptance of them not only reinforces their growing awareness of themselves as pups, but encourages them to become active members of our community.  We do them a favor by being that positive support, and we do ourselves a favor by displaying those things about ourselves and our community that make it all such a great place.

Back from the brink

How odd it's been having to actually resist the urge to slip into pupspace. And, yet, I feel very deeply that I made the right choice to NOT take that retreat.

The situation that brought it all about really isn't the point here. Yes, it's a situation of extreme importance and one that demands attention and resolution. But I don't want it being the focus of what I'm writing at this time.

What IS relevant to all this was a reaction of my own. How, when things seemed at their most difficult and I felt like the world was caving in, I had a powerful urge to draw back into pupspace. From the moment I felt that urge, I knew it wasn't the course to take. That it wasn't going to be an answer or resolution. That it wouldn't even be the re-energizing down time I sometimes find pupspace to be. It just didn't feel right, if that makes any sense. It felt like an avoidance, and for that reason alone I didn't give in.

In hindsight, I'm glad I listened to that countering instinct. Human problems require human thought, and avoidance only makes it all worse.

But I'm still somewhat amazed by the sheer power that draw held at a couple of points here and there. And, that as I think on it, the energy that went with it isn't the energy that defines my inner pup. At the time I didn't sense that kind of difference. Its only in retrospect that I feel it.

Maybe I got thrown another test and lesson. If so, I think I passed.

Under the stars in the Outer Banks

It’s nearing time to head back home after what feels too short a time in the Outer Banks. But, then, it always seems too short a time. OBX is definitely my favorite vacation spot. Maybe sometime we can do a week here with some friends and my immediate leather family. That would be awesome indeed!

Last night I went down alone to the beach, just to sit on the sand and listen to the waves against the shore. Above was a beautiful canopy of stars, stretching as far as the eye could see, bisected by the belt of the Milky Way itself. Truth be told, for awhile I sat there naked under the night sky, feeling the cool ocean breeze all over my body. I probably could have fallen asleep if given the chance.

And with those stars watching over me, I had time for quiet thought and reflection. I looked at many of things now going on in my life. For a brief moment, it all seemed so wonderfully connected, and I knew again just how lucky I have been and how lucky I still am. I have an awesome husband, a boy I am blessed to have under my collar, a fantastic circle of friends, and family. I’ve been given so many rewarding opportunities over the years; my path in life has been rich beyond measure.  I’m part of an astonishingly close and supportive community and know I can travel almost anywhere and find friends there waiting.

And, as I lay there looking up at the stars, I thought about the friends I knew were looking down on me. Mike Sampson, a friend from high school who passed away nearly 10 years ago. Iceman Dave, who was my pledgebrother in the DC boys. Timber, whom I still miss deeply. I thought of my grandmother, to whom I owe so much. And of my father. We were never close (owing to a separation more of his choosing than mine). I never got a lot of time with him or a chance to know him (or him me), but before he passed, he told me how proud he was of the man I’ve become.

Later today, Ken and I head back home. As much as I wish I could stay here, part of me is eager to get back to DC. What seemed before overwhelming now seems so vibrantly interwoven, and it’s time to get back to those things. What doubts I might have had about some things I want to do are now gone, and I know that I’m on the right course. There are some fun and rewarding times ahead, come what may!

So, to the Outer Banks: farewell until I return. To the future – here I come.

The Pup and his boy

My boy posted this on Facebook’s Puppy 101 in response to a question posed about pups dealing with handlers who are also pups:

My Sir is a pup and I understood when receiving his collar that he is, and always will be, a pup at heart. I knew going into the D/s relationship that there will be times when his need to be a pup will outweigh any of my desires. Dynamics, communication and expectations are very important as we both need to be in the proper head space. Advance discussion seems to work best for me especially if we both want to pup out at the same time so we can then identify a 3rd party to watch out for us both.

There have been a couple times when I wanted to get down and play; however, most of the time, my Handler/Trainer mindset kicks right in where Sir is concerned. Prior to receiving Sir's collar, I used to handle him when his former handler/trainer was not able to be there, so that piece was already there for us both. He brought out the pup in me a year ago, which I have enjoyed immensely. There have been a few times that I wanted to be down in pup space when Sir has been in pup space. To manage my emotions around it, I remind myself that I am his boy first and that means I am his handler when he needs to be pup. I remind myself that he has placed a lot of trust in me to watch out for him and protect him and I will not let him down. That is the service I provide to him as his boy – making sure his needs are met. It is not always easy. What I love about my Sir is that he recognizes the difficulties and we talk openly about them.

From the very beginning of our D/s relationship, this has been one of the harder challenges for me. Not because I’m uncomfortable with my boy also being my handler. Strangely enough (or maybe not at all), the nature of our dynamic is such that I’m perfectly comfortable being the pup to his handler. As boy Tom points out, we went into this with the precedent of him acting as my handler when my own handler/trainer was unavailable. So I know at a very deep level that I can trust him enough to let my inner pup out and completely go with it.

No, the challenge was reconciling my being a pup with the transition from sub to Dom. I’ve often said that remaining a pup was the constant during the transition.  But, in all honesty, there were times when I thought that going further into the transition meant losing that and no longer having time to BE the pup. How could I have ever thought I would lose the pup when it’s so much a part of who I am? And, yet, that is exactly where my mind sometimes went. How could I be a handler to my boy and alpha to my beta and still be the pup I am. How can I be both pup and Dom? Eh, hindsight is, as people say, 20/20. The one presenting the challenge was me. Fortunately, this old dog can learn new tricks.

So, how can I be the pup and have my boy as the handler? Quite simply, because it’s both of us being who we are – and being comfortable with who we are. It’s not him taking control, but rather it’s the boy doing what he needs to make sure his Sir’s needs are met.  Often it means he’s setting aside his own desire to pup out in favor of giving his Sir the time needed in pupspace. A pup has to enter pupspace knowing his handler is there for his needs – my boy does just that. I know it’s not always easy for him to sublimate his own desires, and I appreciate his choice and ability to do so more than I can say.

As someone once said, the only limit to the possibilities of our relationships in the leather community is our own imaginations. For me and my boy, we have what I know is an unusual D/s dynamic.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Memorial Day Weekend 2013

Another Memorial Day weekend begins to draw toward its close.  This one, though, will go down as one of the best I’ve had, right up there with the ones I used to spend in NJ with my friend Scott. And this one was spent at home, with friends visiting from out of town and with Ken and boy Tom.  Boy Matt was here from New Jersey, and Mike Socks Pup drove all the way from Cleveland. The fun started on Friday once we were all together, and it kept right on until today.

OK, we DID follow the goings on at IML. After all, we all had the people we were rooting for, and we all wished we could have been at Woof Camp! Except for when we went to see Star Trek, I don’t think 10 minutes passed that one of us wasn’t following up on Facebook!

But we all had a great time all the same.  Friday night was pretty much just a laid-back, cocktails, cigars and shoot the breeze kind of night out on the deck, even though it was a little chilly. We didn’t care. Saturday was board games and just hanging, followed by a great BBQ on the deck. Saturday evening we went to the Maryland Leatherboys first bar night in Baltimore, followed by a side trip to the DC Eagle on the way back. It was good seeing some friends in both places while showing Socks our neck of the woods. Sunday was another laid back day, followed by going to see Star Trek Into Darkness later in the evening. All three nights we were up late, just enjoying and talking.

 All told, it was an awesome time.

Right now it’s quiet. Socks is now on his way back to Cleveland. The others are napping. I’m wide awake after a 15-mile bicycle ride. Good time to reflect.

Now that it’s winding down, I can’t help but think just how lucky I am, though. To have friends, and a boy and a husband like I have, I have to wonder what I did to get so lucky. And, yet, through stories and ideas exchanges and insights gained, I am reminded once again that the path my feet have been placed upon in life has more rewards and possibilities than I ever thought possible. I look at all the friendships I’ve gained through this community and wonder how I can ever pay forward such good fortune. I can only hope the things I do give back will, in some way, show just how grateful I am.

Tomorrow, it’ll be back to work. But I’ll go forward from this weekend, not just with good memories, but with a feeling of being rejuvenated. Decisions and goals made before the weekend have been reinforced, and I feel an even stronger sense of commitment to them. Some questions I’ve been quietly asking of myself have found answers. As the summer months start, I know the coming weeks of relative quiet will help me better prepare for what awaits in the autumn months. Very importantly, after this weekend, I have an even better sense of WHY I’m doing the things I’m doing and about to do. Most of all, I go forward knowing I have some very special friends and family.

To Boy Matt, to Socks, to boy Tom, and to my husband Ken, I say thank you for an incredible weekend!

Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.