In going back to my roots this past weekend, it was inevitable that I would think about my journey from a quiet, unobtrusive leatherboy/pup to where I am today. Just as inevitable was asking myself and looking at WHY I began that journey. And that led inexorably to what I see around me today.
We’ve all heard the tried and true tropes of finding siblinghood (ok, back then it was “brotherhood”) in the leather/kink collective. Many of us have said we felt we’d found a place where we could explore and be who were are inside in a world that discourages such self-discovery and expression. We were encouraged to follow that path and be part of the collective – and we wanted to do those very things. As long as we were respectful and accepting of others within the collective, it was fine to follow that path of self-discovery wherever it led. We were encouraged to share the insights we gained and the experiences we had so that others might learn from them.
It seems now as if somewhere along the way, the message changed. Paths of self-exploration and self-discovery are hemmed in by arbitrary views of what’s right and/or acceptable. The welcome sign to be and express who one is inside now appears to list exceptions. We’re free to be who and what we are, provided who and what we are doesn’t make people uncomfortable. We can share what we’ve learned or what we’ve been through, but only so long as it gives everyone a warm fuzzy?
Is that what we’ve become? I want to say that isn’t the collective I found 15+ years ago. Alas, I know now that it’s been this way for a very long time. I know now not everyone felt as welcomed by the collective as I did. The message didn’t change; my awareness of its selectivity increased.
A collective that purports to welcome all, that encourages self-exploration and expression, and touts itself as open to sharing of knowledge and experiences doesn’t get to go deaf when those coming in bring us face to face with things that make us uncomfortable by pointing out our own ignorance and biases. People who hold honest self-identity in high regard don’t get to disregard the honest self-identity of others.
If self-identity and self-expression are as important as we claim they are, then why do we still see people being disregarded for how they identify? If this is a place where one can be themselves, why are people having to fight for their ability to be and express themselves as they are? Be it gender identification/expression or sexual orientation, race, age, choice of kink, or any other basis, it doesn’t matter. All should be able to be themselves – and respected as such – in a collective that claims to be as open and welcoming as this one.
I was taught “leather” is in the heart. I was also taught that some of the traits associated with “leather” were integrity and respect, honor, and siblinghood. If these tenets are as valuable as we say, why the hell are we not listening to those who just wanted to be treated as equal and as part of the whole?
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