The Forgotten Child (written by me in 1998)

 THE FORGOTTEN CHILD 

 

I feel I should preface this particular poem with a note. The Forgotten Child does not reflect my own coming out experience. However, I have witnessed the pain of others who have faced the experiences this poem speaks of. Therefore, this poem is dedicated to all those whose honesty was greeted by rejection.

 

You looked upon me as I lay in my crib
Your baby, so helpless and small
With love bright deep in your eyes
a heart's warmth freely given
I was your child

 

You watched me; you held me
My tears and smiles your own
We laughed and we played
We cried and we prayed
I was your child

 

Parent and child, together we grew
Through love you showed me the world
The hopes that you shared
Showed my future prepared
I was your child

 

When my goals became different
You gave me room to grow
For the child will fall
To the adolescent's call
Still, I was your child

 

One difference in me brooks no refute
A truth I cannot deny
I thought you would see
That I was still me
That I was still your child

 

How then has it happened?
Why do I now stand alone?
Because I chose to reveal
Who I am, what I feel?
Have you forgotten your child?

 

What unforgivable wrong have I done
     that has left me cast away?
Or is there no longer room in your heart
     for me - your child - who is gay?

 

I am who I was, and always will be
     the child you held by the hand
But now I can see, you look upon me
     as a stranger you don't understand

 

This virtue you taught, of telling the truth
     of honesty right from the start  

How is it now when I've told you the truth
     we stand now worlds apart

 

The pain that rages dwells deep in my heart
     and the anguish you'll never know
You turned me away because I am gay
    you want me - your child - to go

 

How quickly it was you seemed to forget
The happiness we shared
When truth became told
Your hearts became cold
Was I not your child?

 

Together we stood as a family
Until I learned who I was
Now with trust lying broken
These words go unspoken
I am your child!

I am your child!

 

 

Random Thought I

I should have been keeping these here before this.  So here's the first one... 

Sometimes when we fall, it isn't to bring us down, but to give us a chance to spread our wings again and fly.

A Stumble and a Tiny Step

This morning while showering, without thinking, I went to lift my collar - only to realize it wasn't there. And a few minutes later I couldn't help but notice the absence while looking in the mirror. Realizing it makes me feel naked and vulnerable. For three years it was there, as much a part of me as my fingers and toes.

Just like my wedding ring. And while maybe the commitment it symbolized it was different from the ring given me by my husband, it was no less deep or significant. It was never one I took lightly or disrespected.

It's going to take some getting used to, probably more than I realize. I know it's not something to which I'll immediately adapt. Hell, I'm not ever sure what the full repercussions might be yet. My feelings are still a little scrambled; I know that's going to take time, too.

Someone said in response to my last posting that there is a reason for everything. I think back over the things that have been happening; the changes and growth I've been experiencing in my journey. I can believe there is a reason behind all of this. Right now, though, it's hard to see. I'll do my best to keep my faith and to keep my head up so that I can see it when the clouds part. I doubt it'll be written in the sand, so looking down won't show it to me.

This afternoon I bought replacement tags. These say just say "TRIPP." Come what may, I'm still the alpha pup I was under collar. Through the hurt, I can tell this isn't a step back, but the first small one into the next part of the journey.

A Parting of Ways

There's really no easy to say it. Tonight, after 3 years, this pup petitioned for and was uncollared and released from Mister J's service.

The decision that brought me to this point was not an easy one. The circumstances involved required a lot of thought and introspection on my part.

Mister J and I, in many ways, started a journey together. He collared me as his pup when he was first emerging as a Dom in our community; I was just beginning to comfortably explore my inner pup. It was initially his idea that he take on the role as my handler, an offer that stunned me at the time.

These three years have been an incredible part of my journey. The service I offered and gave came from the heart; I sought in many things to make him proud of his pup. I did and gave nothing less than my best. At the same time, Mister J gave me more than I can ever thank him for. Through him I found things in me I didn't know were there and a voice (or bark) that many have come to recognize.

I will always look back on these three years fondly and without regret.

We'll go forward now, though no longer as Mister J and pup tripp as a set. My respect for him as a Sir and as a friend are no less than they were. There is still much I hope to learn from him.

Right now, though, my heart is still heavy, and I feel very naked without the collar.  Actually, it hurts like hell...

Patterns in the Mist

 

  PATTERNS IN THE MIST
  The darkest night will always fade
into the dawn sublime
Yet first is born a scene unmarred
a moment out of time 

The flow of time just disappears
and magic now exists
Captured in surreal shades of gray
in patterns in the mist 

The world lies cloaked in mist pristine
by hands of men unstained
Where silence reigns in peace serene 
and calm of soul regained 

What once seemed real takes on new form
reality defined anew
By edges blurred and shapes unclear
and grays of varied hue 

Each tree an island in the mist
so strong and yet so frail
A steadfast, surreal sentinel
on watch before the veil 

What secrets lay beyond the veil
unseen by human eyes
What mysteries undreamt yet dwell?
What voice unheard still cries?

For is the mist before our eyes
or is it in the mind?
A shield we use to hide ourselves
from truths to which we're blind 

Each shape within the mist reflects
a truth within the soul
Defining faces of ourselves
at once both part and whole 

Within the mists we feel apart
but never dwell alone
For always ready, always there
the light divine is shone 

What once was gray shines now as white
through magic with a twist
And clarity and truth entwine
in patterns in the mist

I wrote this a number of years ago, but the seeing the Washington Monument hidden in the fog reminded me of it.

Remembering the Fallen...

For every person taken from this world because of hate and intolerance.  May the memories remain to inspire courage and compassion.

Innocence, it's often been said, can be found in the eyes of the children ...

Yet, innocence, like crystal shattered
Drained with life's blood
Eclipsed by bitter darkness

 

Do they remember it, that moment of horror
When false judgment cast its sentence?
when shadows of fear like axes fell
And dreams, with innocence, died?

Or do they know Peace,  in angel's arms
And warmth of love no longer stained by hate?

Has, for them,  fear been forever banished 

And the monsters of the night left far behind?

For the fallen, I mourn and I pray
for innocence born anew
And if, in truth, innocence does lie with children
Then for the fallen I pray - 

 

Please, please let them forget
So they can be little again

Howling...

Somewhere, in the late watches of the night, as the Moon rides supreme in the sky, the howl begins…

Do I howl in pain, venting my hurts and anger that they do not consume me?

Do I howl in loneliness, hoping another will answer?

Do I howl simply for the joy and wonder in my heart?

The Moon always knows why I howl, even when I may not know clearly myself.

How many things lay hidden in that howl, unnoticed by ears that hear but don’t listen?  For what may seem a lonely lament may often be a free spirit calling out.  What may seem a paean to the wonder of Night is a heart crying out in loneliness.

Listen, not with your ears, but with your heart, to the voice that echoes down the corridors of the Night.  It speaks, not with words, but with feeling deeply rooted.  Let it take you to a place where you no longer need language, where understanding comes directly through the spirit.

And then…only then…can you feel the real power of the chorus when you realize we never truly howl alone.