Married to One Man; Collared by Another

If I had a buck for each confused look I’ve ever gotten when this comes up, I could practically get a free drink each time I go to the Eagle.

I accept that it can be confusing to people not part of the leather community – and to some within it as well.  One of the joys of relationships among leatherfolk is that there is no one-size-fits all style; that they’re as varied and dynamic as the people in them.   The generalities can often be explained to meet the questions of the curious; the specifics can often be a little more difficult to make clear.

One of the harder questions I get posed is why I should need both a husband and a Sir? Or, put another way - is there something missing between me and my husband that makes it necessary to be in service to MISTER as well?

To answer that bluntly:  No.

In the twelve years I’ve been with Ken (my husband since September 2010), I’ve never felt anything has been missing.  What we share is, to me, as whole and wonderful now as it was when we first got together.   It’s changed over the years, and we’ve changed with it.  I feel he gives me and our relationship the best he has to give of himself.  Together, we’re a solid team and an intimate couple.  With Ken I feel a sense of contentment unlike anything I’ve ever known, and through it I feel complete.

So why also be in service to Mister J?

My relationship with Ken is based on an equal partnership.  To be sure, there’s a flow of energy there.  A give and take so as it’s never truly 50/50.  We actually include some Dom/sub dynamics within the overall frame of our relationship, and our play isn’t what I would call vanilla.  But, at the end of the day, I curl up beside him in bed as his husband.

Not so with Mister J.  I’m MISTER’s pup.  He’s the Hander and Dom; I’m the pup and sub.  The equal partnership is replaced by consensual inequality.  With MISTER, I can be and find ways to express those things that don’t fit between Ken and me.   With MISTER, I can let out the pup within to its fullest.

From the first time MISTER held pup’s leash, there was an awareness of a connection at that level.  When later on conversations about a Handler/pup relationship began, the Dom/sub element was an inherent part of the whole picture.  He’s my handler, but that’s not the limit of His dominant side.  I’m a pup, but the service-oriented boy is still there as well.  So it was really only natural that MISTER and pup would choose the more broad Dom/sub relationship than limit it to Handler/pup only.

And it doesn’t fill in any gaps between Ken and me.  I’m not sure either would work if there were gaps being filled, if for no other reason than it seems such gaps would more likely than not be forced wider.  What it does, though, is reinforce and give deeper meaning to what I have with Ken.  And the converse of that is just as true.

I will say that the two relationships are not equal.  Ken comes first.  Period.  MISTER and pup agreed on that from the beginning (and the same applies to MISTER’s husband as well).  My relationship and service to MISTER continues only so long as Ken agrees to and supports it.  If he were to ever ask that the collar be removed, it would be.  We all agreed on that at the beginning.

Yes, it takes effort and willingness to keep it all working.  Respect, loyalty, commitment, and trust have to remain at the forefront.  Open and honest communication on all sides is an absolute must.

It isn’t always easy juggling the responsibilities of both, as I believe in giving both nothing less than my fullest.  That's something for a future post, though.

In any case, I'm pretty damn lucky to be Ken's huspup and Mister J's pup tripp.  I certainly can't imagine things without either of them.

Leatherati article

http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati_issues/2011/05/out-of-the-kennel.html

This was an article published at Leatherati, an online magazine for the Leather community.

An unexpected insight

I remember when I used to wonder how I would react to seeing my Sir in any kind of submissive role.  This was during any number of conversations, and all before I was collared by Mister J as His pup.

This past weekend, I actually got an answer to that question.  I've always known that MISTER defers to Sir Alexaner as Daddy.  As a matter of knowing, without actually seeing, there was never any problem on my part.  Actually, I can't recall having ever given it much thought.  Knowing my place with MISTER and with Sir Alexander has always been enough.

But when I actually saw it, it immediately struck me how fortunate I am.  I've always known that MISTER values and appreciates the service He receives from me.  At that moment, though, I caught a glimpse of how deep MISTER's views on and appreciation of service might go.  I don't presume to know what was going through His mind at anytime, only that there was a split-second of understanding there.

So, now I know the answer.  And if I thought of myself as a fortunate pup before that, I feel even more so now.