Sometimes
taking a break from the relentless monsoon of drama that is Facebook can
recharge the batteries and put a smile back where it belongs. Other times, it
doesn’t work that way, and you end up able to see the situation with a
different, more defined focus.
This is one of those other times. And it’s one of those times when I say to hell with being a moderate voice of reason.
When I first found my way into what we then called the leather community, I was intrigued and enthralled because I had found a place where I could belong, a place where I was free to be myself, and a place where like-minded people came together. We used words like honor, service, brotherhood (this was 15+ years ago), community, family. Words that meant something. We were part of something in which we all could share and with which we all shared.
This is one of those other times. And it’s one of those times when I say to hell with being a moderate voice of reason.
When I first found my way into what we then called the leather community, I was intrigued and enthralled because I had found a place where I could belong, a place where I was free to be myself, and a place where like-minded people came together. We used words like honor, service, brotherhood (this was 15+ years ago), community, family. Words that meant something. We were part of something in which we all could share and with which we all shared.
I know now
it wasn’t as rosy as a wide-eyed country kid thought at first. We talked a
great game about the door being open to all. I know now that not everyone felt
that way. We talked about all the opportunities to explore ourselves and be who
we are. I found out that doesn’t apply to everyone; that many have to struggle
for acceptance among those who claimed to accept all. We talked about the
future and its potential. In action many clung unwaveringly to past ideals and
out-of-date codes to check any progress or change. Our leaders used to inspire
us for what they had given to the community. Now we’ve put them on pedestals
and blind ourselves to destructive behaviors, calling it loyalty and family. We
talked about community growth. The only things that were growing were unchecked
egos and divisions.
There’s an old adage that holds if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Well, the problems have been there the whole time, and no tinted lenses can every change that fact. The truth is, we have all been part of the problem. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. At some point or another, we have all done or said something that reflected or exacerbated the problems. Sometimes we said or did nothing at all even when we knew words or action were needed. Too much problem, not enough solution.
And why the hell should people try to promote solutions anyway? All that happens now is they get shouted down by people quick to play victim cards, branded as shit-stirrers and social justice warriors for even daring to challenge a lop-sided status quo. Why the hell should we hope things might get better when a good number of people who show up to support the community are back on social media tearing it down before the exhaust clouds have cleared? Give me one good reason why there should be any hope of a bright future when people refuse to take responsibility for their words and actions despite the clearly negative impact those have on the community they claim to love? Why should this bickering mob we call a community survive when too few people seem to care enough to be part of the solution?
There’s an old adage that holds if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Well, the problems have been there the whole time, and no tinted lenses can every change that fact. The truth is, we have all been part of the problem. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. At some point or another, we have all done or said something that reflected or exacerbated the problems. Sometimes we said or did nothing at all even when we knew words or action were needed. Too much problem, not enough solution.
And why the hell should people try to promote solutions anyway? All that happens now is they get shouted down by people quick to play victim cards, branded as shit-stirrers and social justice warriors for even daring to challenge a lop-sided status quo. Why the hell should we hope things might get better when a good number of people who show up to support the community are back on social media tearing it down before the exhaust clouds have cleared? Give me one good reason why there should be any hope of a bright future when people refuse to take responsibility for their words and actions despite the clearly negative impact those have on the community they claim to love? Why should this bickering mob we call a community survive when too few people seem to care enough to be part of the solution?
And, just to
be clear:
If you are constantly playing up the idea of the golden years of the community, you’re part of the problem. They never existed, and saying otherwise is nothing less than denial of what was going on then, and is going on now.
If you are denying or revising history to suit your arguments and points of view, you’re part of the problem. The very roots of the community are founded in rebellion and, in no small measure, a fight for social justice.
If you are demanding respect for what you’ve done in the past but put no thought in to what you’re doing today, you’re part of the problem. Respect is earned and then maintained. If you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing, maybe it is time you let the next generation take the lead. There’s no shame in knowing when to step-aside.
If you are enabling or making excuses for the disruptive behaviors of others, you are part of the problem. Calling it loyalty or family does not excuse people from responsibility for their words and actions. Giving people free passes for disrespectful behavior only makes everything that much worse.
If you are blaming the younger generation for the mess we’re in today, you’re part of the problem. They inherited this from those of us who came before them.
If you’re disregarding everything the older generation has to say, you’re part of the problem, too. Not every part of the legacy we are passing on is problematic. You need to sort the good from the bad so you can build on what works (and discard that which doesn’t).
If you are continually saying or posting things that exacerbate the misogyny, transphobia, racism, or any other –ism plaguing the community while disregarding how that upsets people, you a part of the problem. It doesn’t matter one bit what your intentions were. Whatever personal justification you may conjure doesn’t matter. You are still part of the problem.
If you cannot see why women, transfolx, POC’s, gender non-conforming folks, and every other marginalized group out there is saying “ENOUGH!” then you’re part of the problem. If you’re trying to make your voice heard over theirs, you are only making it worse. The time has come for them to be heard, not silenced or shouted down.
If you cannot accept that your way of doing things is only one way of doing them, you’re part of the problem.
If you continually refuse to see that the concepts of inclusiveness and safe spaces are not mutually exclusive, you are part of the problem. There is a time and need for both. We all need to feel safe and we all need to feel included as part of the whole. This is not a difficult concept.
If you can’t take your ego out of the equation and actually listen to – and empathize with – others around you, you are part of the problem. As I’ve said before, community is not about you or me, it’s about all of us. And for all of us to matter, we each need from time to time to shut up and listen.
I’m no saint. I’ve said and done things that didn’t help and, sometimes made things worse. I own it. I’ve tried to learn from it – and I hope I’ve succeeded in some measure (I leave that to others to judge). I also know I’m no better than anyone else.
Maybe right now the broader community is on its deathbed. I honestly don’t know. When I look around, what I see are pockets of smaller community, each with a more narrow definition of its identity. Each with the strengths and problems that have always been there. Maybe it’s time for it to degenerate into smaller groups before it can come back together. I don’t know.
What I do know is we need people to be more open to solutions than there are those stoking the problems. And I’m not seeing much of that these days.
If you are constantly playing up the idea of the golden years of the community, you’re part of the problem. They never existed, and saying otherwise is nothing less than denial of what was going on then, and is going on now.
If you are denying or revising history to suit your arguments and points of view, you’re part of the problem. The very roots of the community are founded in rebellion and, in no small measure, a fight for social justice.
If you are demanding respect for what you’ve done in the past but put no thought in to what you’re doing today, you’re part of the problem. Respect is earned and then maintained. If you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing, maybe it is time you let the next generation take the lead. There’s no shame in knowing when to step-aside.
If you are enabling or making excuses for the disruptive behaviors of others, you are part of the problem. Calling it loyalty or family does not excuse people from responsibility for their words and actions. Giving people free passes for disrespectful behavior only makes everything that much worse.
If you are blaming the younger generation for the mess we’re in today, you’re part of the problem. They inherited this from those of us who came before them.
If you’re disregarding everything the older generation has to say, you’re part of the problem, too. Not every part of the legacy we are passing on is problematic. You need to sort the good from the bad so you can build on what works (and discard that which doesn’t).
If you are continually saying or posting things that exacerbate the misogyny, transphobia, racism, or any other –ism plaguing the community while disregarding how that upsets people, you a part of the problem. It doesn’t matter one bit what your intentions were. Whatever personal justification you may conjure doesn’t matter. You are still part of the problem.
If you cannot see why women, transfolx, POC’s, gender non-conforming folks, and every other marginalized group out there is saying “ENOUGH!” then you’re part of the problem. If you’re trying to make your voice heard over theirs, you are only making it worse. The time has come for them to be heard, not silenced or shouted down.
If you cannot accept that your way of doing things is only one way of doing them, you’re part of the problem.
If you continually refuse to see that the concepts of inclusiveness and safe spaces are not mutually exclusive, you are part of the problem. There is a time and need for both. We all need to feel safe and we all need to feel included as part of the whole. This is not a difficult concept.
If you can’t take your ego out of the equation and actually listen to – and empathize with – others around you, you are part of the problem. As I’ve said before, community is not about you or me, it’s about all of us. And for all of us to matter, we each need from time to time to shut up and listen.
I’m no saint. I’ve said and done things that didn’t help and, sometimes made things worse. I own it. I’ve tried to learn from it – and I hope I’ve succeeded in some measure (I leave that to others to judge). I also know I’m no better than anyone else.
Maybe right now the broader community is on its deathbed. I honestly don’t know. When I look around, what I see are pockets of smaller community, each with a more narrow definition of its identity. Each with the strengths and problems that have always been there. Maybe it’s time for it to degenerate into smaller groups before it can come back together. I don’t know.
What I do know is we need people to be more open to solutions than there are those stoking the problems. And I’m not seeing much of that these days.
