While this Sabbat of Mabon denotes the start of the harvest, It's also symbolic of clearing the fields in preparation of the Spring planting to come. So, in that spirit, I can only reap what has sprung from the seeds I planted and hope that the intentions in the seeds I am about to plant anew fare better in the future.
From my very earliest days in this community, I've always felt it was home. Here I found a place where I could belong; a place where I can be me and explore the potentials and possibilities of what may come from that. I found, not just friends, but family and kindred spirits. People who accepted me and encourage me to accept myself and to embrace those things that make me different. People with whom I could celebrate those differences rather than be ashamed of them.
From the very beginning I've been fortunate enough to have wise and caring people to teach me those things that have come before while encouraging me to balance those things with new ideas. Friends and mentors who have, time and again, encouraged me to walk and to share my own journey, to have faith that it's leading me to where I'm meant to be. No matter who I met or where I went, I found there was always something for me to learn, something new to experience.
I'm not sure I could ever fully quantify all that I've been given over the years. These gifts are greater than anything I've ever known, gifts beyond price and far more than I would have ever expected when first I ventured into the community. My journey has been made possible through these gifts. It means far, far more than I can say, and all the gratitude I feel in my heart seems still insufficient to do it all justice. Nevertheless, I am immensely grateful for all I have been given, all I've found, and for all the things in which I've been fortunate enough to share.
I learned long ago that the best things come about when it's a collective effort. One alone can never accomplish as much as a team or club or group working together. I've been fortunate enough to be a part of clubs and groups that have brought forth amazing things for the community. Nearly all of my greatest joy has been working with others toward a common goal; my greatest rewards seeing others enjoy what the group put together. What better feeling than to celebrate a job well done with friends and brothers?
While growing up, I was taught that the most important gesture of gratitude is in sharing what you've been given. To say "thank you" for a gift, while heartfelt, may fall flat. But to take what's been given and to share it or to pay it forward, that shows true appreciation. A gift kept to one's self does little more than collect dust on a shelf. A gift shared with others and, in its time passed on to others, keeps its luster and brings joy to more than just one.
That is how I've tried to carry myself since finding a place in this community. From very early on I've tried and endeavored to share all that I've been given. From slave to leatherboy to pup, from sub to switch, it has always been to me about giving back. Every gesture and thing shared with me, I've believed I've been grateful to received it. Every door that was opened, every opportunity given, I've always thought it important to make sure those are paid forward. I've always tried to put my best foot forward and to give things my best. Those things into which I put my energy and effort weren't meant for me, but to give something to others. At the end of each day, it wasn't about the kudos (which were nice and encouraging, don't get me wrong) but seeing that others had found something in which they found enjoyment or connection or maybe even a better glimpse of themselves. No matter what was at hand, I've always tried to do the right thing, to do whatever brings the best benefit to the most people.
I don't claim to be perfect, though. I'm human and, being human, I make mistakes. Sometimes my judgment has been off; sometimes I got caught in the moment. Sometimes I reacted before I thought it through and so let my feelings get in the way of what I was trying to accomplish, or worse, didn't think things through enough. Sometimes I took on too much and came close to burning myself out. Sometimes I fell short of the mark in what was needed to get a job done. Sometimes I stepped out on the wrong foot; sometimes my best wasn't enough or I could have done better. There are still bootprints on my backside from where I got a much-needed kick in the complacency. I try to own my flaws and shortcomings and to learn from my mistakes.
Through all of it, though, my intent and goal has always been to support the community and the people in it, to put energy and time into those things that better the whole, and to give to the people in it as best I can. My grandfather once told me to set as a goal how I want to be remembered in life and then live my life toward that goal. That's the one I work toward.
One thing I NEVER intended is that anyone should feel hurt or offended by anything I've done, be it through action or inaction. There is room enough in this community for all to shine, for all to find their place. And, if by action or inaction I somehow left someone feeling otherwise, then I failed. It's not how it's supposed to be; it's not what I was taught. Somehow, somewhere, I failed to give back what has been given me. I fell short of what it is I work so hard to accomplish.
But, just as mere words cannot fully express the true depth of gratitude, neither can they fully express how deeply sorry I am for any hurt feelings. As the best way to show gratitude is through action, then by action I must likewise show my sincerity and resolve to redress any wrongs that happened along the way. I can only own the mistakes I've made, try to my utmost to correct what can be corrected, and make sure I'm mindful enough to not repeat them.
I'm no one special. I'm just one pup in a pack of many, one soul in a community of many good ones. Just one who wants to keep giving back all he's been given along the way. In this season of harvest, the bitter grain has to be reaped along with the sweet. In its place I want to plant new seeds that are the lessons that I'm learning.
