A Pup or Not a Pup. There's Only One Question

Sometimes, and more often than I’d like, I still come across conversations – online and otherwise – about who is or isn’t a pup or about such conversations that left a pup hurt and disillusioned. Even worse is when these aren’t actually conversations but rather flat out –and almost always uninformed – statements of so-called fact. Too often these instances end with a pup feeling angry or confused, maybe even marginalized, and almost always hurt. And too many times it’s driven off a pup that might otherwise have made great strides in discovering more about himself and is now detached from a community that would have been supportive.

Make no bones about it (pun only slightly intended); I am very protective of my pupbrothers and sisters. I will argue for them, defend them, and – if necessary – get downright combatative for them. My preference is always to be respectful and to educate where possible. But this alpha does have teeth behind his playful bark.

Pups and pup play are not really new. While the rapid growth of the contemporary pup community (which includes our handlers) is fairly recent, going back really six or seven years, pup play itself goes back much farther, even before the advent of the earliest days of leather. There are among us now pups who have identified as such for more than 20 years. However, the sheer swiftness with which our numbers have grown over the last few years has given rise to a lot of misunderstandings about pups and our play.

One thing and one thing only matters: Is the person a pup in their heart? And that one thing is not for anyone other than the pup to ultimately decide. Just as we talk about the “boy heart” or “slave heart” or even a “Sir’s heart,” there is also the pup heart. And just as we encourage boys and slaves and all others to explore their hearts, to live and be true to what’s in their hearts, so too should we encourage pups.

Too many yet dismiss pups on the basis of arbitrary and incorrect reasoning. The person isn’t the right body size or shape to be a pup. They’re too old. They’re just boys acting out. That since they have no handler, they can’t really be a pup. Or maybe because they don’t wear the “right” gear, or even because they don’t pup out in public settings.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Pups come in all sizes, all ages, all gender identifications and sexual orientations, all fetish preferences, you name it. Gear no more makes a pup than a Sir’s cap makes a Master or Daddy. Some pups are more expressive than others; some are more comfortable in public than others. Gear preferences vary from pup to pup, with some preferring leather, others neoprene, and even those who prefer nothing at all.

Again, it all comes down to what’s in their hearts.

Consider for a moment the vast diversity among bio canines. Not only is there a vast number of different breeds out there, but each dog has his or her own personality, its own likes and dislikes. They come in all ages and sizes, even within the same breed.

Are human pups really any different? We aren’t bio canines, but the energy we draw from and channel is very much canine in nature. We pups don’t have to be geared up or down on all fours in a mosh to be who we are. We don’t need to be in state of constant pupspace. The energy of our inner pups, for many of us, finds ways to integrate with daily activities, often without it being immediately realized.

To say someone isn’t a pup because they don’t fit some preconceived notion of what defines a pup is unfair, degrading and disrespectful. It’s making a call based on appearances and subjective ideas without taking the time to understand what’s in the heart.  It’s necessary to look beyond the gear (or absence thereof) as well as appearance or whatever else is on the outside. It’s what’s on the inside that matters, and snap judgments cannot take that into account.

To be sure, there are things that seem to make it all murkier. There are boys who identify as boys but enjoy pup play. There are pups who are actually Doms. Some people still hearken back to when pup “play” was a form of humiliation. Again, it all comes back to what’s in the heart. The murkiness comes from appearance only.

There are still a lot of pups out there coming to terms with or beginning to explore who and what they are. Our encouragement and acceptance of them not only reinforces their growing awareness of themselves as pups, but encourages them to become active members of our community.  We do them a favor by being that positive support, and we do ourselves a favor by displaying those things about ourselves and our community that make it all such a great place.

Back from the brink

How odd it's been having to actually resist the urge to slip into pupspace. And, yet, I feel very deeply that I made the right choice to NOT take that retreat.

The situation that brought it all about really isn't the point here. Yes, it's a situation of extreme importance and one that demands attention and resolution. But I don't want it being the focus of what I'm writing at this time.

What IS relevant to all this was a reaction of my own. How, when things seemed at their most difficult and I felt like the world was caving in, I had a powerful urge to draw back into pupspace. From the moment I felt that urge, I knew it wasn't the course to take. That it wasn't going to be an answer or resolution. That it wouldn't even be the re-energizing down time I sometimes find pupspace to be. It just didn't feel right, if that makes any sense. It felt like an avoidance, and for that reason alone I didn't give in.

In hindsight, I'm glad I listened to that countering instinct. Human problems require human thought, and avoidance only makes it all worse.

But I'm still somewhat amazed by the sheer power that draw held at a couple of points here and there. And, that as I think on it, the energy that went with it isn't the energy that defines my inner pup. At the time I didn't sense that kind of difference. Its only in retrospect that I feel it.

Maybe I got thrown another test and lesson. If so, I think I passed.

Under the stars in the Outer Banks

It’s nearing time to head back home after what feels too short a time in the Outer Banks. But, then, it always seems too short a time. OBX is definitely my favorite vacation spot. Maybe sometime we can do a week here with some friends and my immediate leather family. That would be awesome indeed!

Last night I went down alone to the beach, just to sit on the sand and listen to the waves against the shore. Above was a beautiful canopy of stars, stretching as far as the eye could see, bisected by the belt of the Milky Way itself. Truth be told, for awhile I sat there naked under the night sky, feeling the cool ocean breeze all over my body. I probably could have fallen asleep if given the chance.

And with those stars watching over me, I had time for quiet thought and reflection. I looked at many of things now going on in my life. For a brief moment, it all seemed so wonderfully connected, and I knew again just how lucky I have been and how lucky I still am. I have an awesome husband, a boy I am blessed to have under my collar, a fantastic circle of friends, and family. I’ve been given so many rewarding opportunities over the years; my path in life has been rich beyond measure.  I’m part of an astonishingly close and supportive community and know I can travel almost anywhere and find friends there waiting.

And, as I lay there looking up at the stars, I thought about the friends I knew were looking down on me. Mike Sampson, a friend from high school who passed away nearly 10 years ago. Iceman Dave, who was my pledgebrother in the DC boys. Timber, whom I still miss deeply. I thought of my grandmother, to whom I owe so much. And of my father. We were never close (owing to a separation more of his choosing than mine). I never got a lot of time with him or a chance to know him (or him me), but before he passed, he told me how proud he was of the man I’ve become.

Later today, Ken and I head back home. As much as I wish I could stay here, part of me is eager to get back to DC. What seemed before overwhelming now seems so vibrantly interwoven, and it’s time to get back to those things. What doubts I might have had about some things I want to do are now gone, and I know that I’m on the right course. There are some fun and rewarding times ahead, come what may!

So, to the Outer Banks: farewell until I return. To the future – here I come.

The Pup and his boy

My boy posted this on Facebook’s Puppy 101 in response to a question posed about pups dealing with handlers who are also pups:

My Sir is a pup and I understood when receiving his collar that he is, and always will be, a pup at heart. I knew going into the D/s relationship that there will be times when his need to be a pup will outweigh any of my desires. Dynamics, communication and expectations are very important as we both need to be in the proper head space. Advance discussion seems to work best for me especially if we both want to pup out at the same time so we can then identify a 3rd party to watch out for us both.

There have been a couple times when I wanted to get down and play; however, most of the time, my Handler/Trainer mindset kicks right in where Sir is concerned. Prior to receiving Sir's collar, I used to handle him when his former handler/trainer was not able to be there, so that piece was already there for us both. He brought out the pup in me a year ago, which I have enjoyed immensely. There have been a few times that I wanted to be down in pup space when Sir has been in pup space. To manage my emotions around it, I remind myself that I am his boy first and that means I am his handler when he needs to be pup. I remind myself that he has placed a lot of trust in me to watch out for him and protect him and I will not let him down. That is the service I provide to him as his boy – making sure his needs are met. It is not always easy. What I love about my Sir is that he recognizes the difficulties and we talk openly about them.

From the very beginning of our D/s relationship, this has been one of the harder challenges for me. Not because I’m uncomfortable with my boy also being my handler. Strangely enough (or maybe not at all), the nature of our dynamic is such that I’m perfectly comfortable being the pup to his handler. As boy Tom points out, we went into this with the precedent of him acting as my handler when my own handler/trainer was unavailable. So I know at a very deep level that I can trust him enough to let my inner pup out and completely go with it.

No, the challenge was reconciling my being a pup with the transition from sub to Dom. I’ve often said that remaining a pup was the constant during the transition.  But, in all honesty, there were times when I thought that going further into the transition meant losing that and no longer having time to BE the pup. How could I have ever thought I would lose the pup when it’s so much a part of who I am? And, yet, that is exactly where my mind sometimes went. How could I be a handler to my boy and alpha to my beta and still be the pup I am. How can I be both pup and Dom? Eh, hindsight is, as people say, 20/20. The one presenting the challenge was me. Fortunately, this old dog can learn new tricks.

So, how can I be the pup and have my boy as the handler? Quite simply, because it’s both of us being who we are – and being comfortable with who we are. It’s not him taking control, but rather it’s the boy doing what he needs to make sure his Sir’s needs are met.  Often it means he’s setting aside his own desire to pup out in favor of giving his Sir the time needed in pupspace. A pup has to enter pupspace knowing his handler is there for his needs – my boy does just that. I know it’s not always easy for him to sublimate his own desires, and I appreciate his choice and ability to do so more than I can say.

As someone once said, the only limit to the possibilities of our relationships in the leather community is our own imaginations. For me and my boy, we have what I know is an unusual D/s dynamic.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Memorial Day Weekend 2013

Another Memorial Day weekend begins to draw toward its close.  This one, though, will go down as one of the best I’ve had, right up there with the ones I used to spend in NJ with my friend Scott. And this one was spent at home, with friends visiting from out of town and with Ken and boy Tom.  Boy Matt was here from New Jersey, and Mike Socks Pup drove all the way from Cleveland. The fun started on Friday once we were all together, and it kept right on until today.

OK, we DID follow the goings on at IML. After all, we all had the people we were rooting for, and we all wished we could have been at Woof Camp! Except for when we went to see Star Trek, I don’t think 10 minutes passed that one of us wasn’t following up on Facebook!

But we all had a great time all the same.  Friday night was pretty much just a laid-back, cocktails, cigars and shoot the breeze kind of night out on the deck, even though it was a little chilly. We didn’t care. Saturday was board games and just hanging, followed by a great BBQ on the deck. Saturday evening we went to the Maryland Leatherboys first bar night in Baltimore, followed by a side trip to the DC Eagle on the way back. It was good seeing some friends in both places while showing Socks our neck of the woods. Sunday was another laid back day, followed by going to see Star Trek Into Darkness later in the evening. All three nights we were up late, just enjoying and talking.

 All told, it was an awesome time.

Right now it’s quiet. Socks is now on his way back to Cleveland. The others are napping. I’m wide awake after a 15-mile bicycle ride. Good time to reflect.

Now that it’s winding down, I can’t help but think just how lucky I am, though. To have friends, and a boy and a husband like I have, I have to wonder what I did to get so lucky. And, yet, through stories and ideas exchanges and insights gained, I am reminded once again that the path my feet have been placed upon in life has more rewards and possibilities than I ever thought possible. I look at all the friendships I’ve gained through this community and wonder how I can ever pay forward such good fortune. I can only hope the things I do give back will, in some way, show just how grateful I am.

Tomorrow, it’ll be back to work. But I’ll go forward from this weekend, not just with good memories, but with a feeling of being rejuvenated. Decisions and goals made before the weekend have been reinforced, and I feel an even stronger sense of commitment to them. Some questions I’ve been quietly asking of myself have found answers. As the summer months start, I know the coming weeks of relative quiet will help me better prepare for what awaits in the autumn months. Very importantly, after this weekend, I have an even better sense of WHY I’m doing the things I’m doing and about to do. Most of all, I go forward knowing I have some very special friends and family.

To Boy Matt, to Socks, to boy Tom, and to my husband Ken, I say thank you for an incredible weekend!

Me-Time and Me Thinks

As I’ve mentioned to some others, this past weekend was a good amount of much-needed “me-time.” The Twilight Guard run was a time to relax, to just let go and have fun. Coming out of it, I feel re-energized and refocused on several levels. One of the nearly inevitable side benefits of quality “me-time” is that me thinks. And with a 5+ hour drive back to VA from Long Island, there was plenty of time for it.

Of course, I thought a lot about Ken, and how much I wanted to get home to him. That always is the case. No matter where I go, I always miss him and can’t wait to see him when I get home. Knowing he’s there takes me far. Knowing I have that sound foundation in my life gives me more strength than I sometimes realize.

But I thought a lot about a number of other things going on in my life. And I began to realize a strong streak of negativity has set in somewhere along the way recently. Having been able to step away from it over the weekend, I was able to see it looking back at me. In truth, I had a glimpse of it during CLAW, but there wasn’t a lot of quiet time for me to think about it. Now that I’ve had time to look at it, I’ve been able to figure out where it started.

My friend boy Matt kind of gave me the first clue. Without meaning to, he gave me a much-needed kick in my complacency and put me in a place where I felt some very healthy discomfort. I felt it at the time, even if I couldn’t fully put it into words even in my own mind. I knew it foreboded coming change. And once I was able to actually get some quiet time to look at it, I was able to see things to which either I’d been missing or blinding myself.   

I am, by nature, a very positive and upbeat person. I do my best to see the good in everything and to be the best person I can be. I learned a long time ago that when the negative sets in, I begin turning inward and shutting things out, ultimately lashing out. I don’t much like that person. He’s self-destructive and dark-minded. Nothing good ever comes from that. Yes, it’s part of me, but I refuse to be ruled by it. However, I appreciate that sometimes it’s that part of me that initiates needed change.  The fact is, change doesn't happen when you're always in a comfortable place. As one of my spiritual mentors once told me, “You gotta embrace the change if you’re going to make everything right again.”

Of course, the process of setting it right – doing what is necessary to cast off the negative energy so that the positive can flow – isn’t always easy. But better that than to allow it to continue eroding those areas of my life it’s affecting. Fortunately, over the course of those hours, I was able to figure out how to set it in motion in such a way that will ultimately foster growth, even if there are some growing pangs along the way.

Right now, I see a path laid out at my feet that is laden with possibilities. Possibilities that offer so much, and from which I want to get the most I can. And I am fortunate to have with me friends and family who can share in all of it. I would be doing them – and myself – a grave disservice if I let unnecessary shadows cloud it.

Diamonds in the Rough

“Don’t think of them as battle scars. Think of them as facets on a very beautiful, unique diamond.”

I posted that as a Facebook status a while back. At the time, it was more of a random thought, but it’s one that has stayed with me through the following months. A couple of inter-related discussions yesterday on Puppy 101 and Sirs & boys, as well as a personal post by a brother pup out there brought it back to mind.

I can’t help but think how hard it can be to see the diamond. It shouldn’t HAVE to be difficult at all, but we continuously find ourselves in situations that make it difficult to see. We live in a world that puts more value on uniformity and conformity that it does on individuality. And no matter how many times others may tell us how valuable and wonderful we can be as individuals, it’s something we each have to find in ourselves. Only then can we see the diamond that is our true inner selves and have faith that it is always there, even during the stormy times.

For those of us in the leather/kink/fetish community, the struggle to find that diamond doesn’t have to be made more difficult than the rest of the society is already making it. There isn’t a person in this community who hasn’t weathered the storms of criticism and judgment, the recriminations and rejections from those on the outside – and, unfortunately, some on the inside as well.  We’ve seen how damaging just one word of derision can be.  We’ve seen potential lost to us when narrow-mindedness trumped acceptance. And we’ve seen our collective future brightened simply because one person was given the chance that made all the difference.

I can’t make anyone look within that isn’t ready. But I CAN reassure them that they aren’t alone and that the journey to find their true inner selves is the best one they can ever take. It’s something we can all do.  There are enough people on the outside telling us we’re wrong. Let’s be the collective voice telling each other we’re all on the right path.

What is the Pup Heart?

In the course of discussions and educational sessions, we often hear terms used like “boy heart” or “slave heart” or even “Sir or Daddy heart.”  And, for many of us in the leather/fetish community, we tend to agree that terms such as these are accurate descriptors. They serve to demonstrate that our identities are more than a label or rationalization, that we feel these things very deeply, heart and soul.

But what about the pups and the pup heart?

On the surface, it may not be easy to tell any difference. After all, not everyone into pup play identifies as a pup. Also, and to the consternation of some, pups aren’t as easily pigeon-holed into a set role outline. There are service pups, pups who are actually the Dominant in a relationship, Alphas and betas, and so on. Some pups have handlers; others don’t. Any number of traits that can be ascribed across a wide spectrum may pertain to boys as well as pups. The ambiguity is part of what sometimes obscures it. So, too, does that fact that so much of who we are is still being explored.

Although neither pups nor pup play are new concepts, having been around for decades, the resurgence over the past few years has been very powerful.  Pup moshes are becoming a large draw at most major events, including IML, MAL, and CLAW. Clubs and groups for pups and handlers are springing up all across the US and in Canada (and another recently formed in Germany). In the age of social networking, the pup community is coming together in ways unprecedented.

However, this rapid-paced resurgence isn’t without its caveats. There are segments of the greater leather/fetish/kink community that aren’t quite sure what pups and pup play is all about or where a handler/pup relationship can fit in along the D/s continuum. Some aren’t sure what to make of pups in general, sometimes falling back on definitions that may be accurate for some but most certainly not all. Within the pup community there is a great deal of discussion about who we are as a segment of the larger community, which can shade how others see us as a whole. As a result, people will cast about for a frame of reference, and too often fail to catch the subtle nuances that set us apart as pups.

And what are some of those subtle nuances that define the pup heart? As may be expected, you can see them by watching pups in action. Granted, there will be very pronounced similarities between what a pup might do and what one might expect from a boy. The key is to remember that pups run the gamut within the D/s continuum (not all pups are submissive!). It’s not going to be just things that you see from pups in a mosh or out at the local bar in full pup gear. It’s not the play or the gear that defines the pup, although some insight into a pup heart can be made during play. And, also, it’s well nigh impossible for anyone to be in a pup headspace on a 24/7 basis, no matter how many pups might wish otherwise.

One has to look beyond the play and see how the pup carries and views himself. Watch the little things the pup does. How the pup responds, even in an everyday setting. You’ll see an almost-canine element in many of the reactions. Negative or threatening circumstances can elicit very distinct growls (some, if pushed, may actually nip). Although most leatherboys I know like a firm head rub, start giving a pup ear scritches and watch what happens.  And put a bunch of pups together, even away from a mosh or similar setting, and you’ll have little doubt. There’s an element of playfulness that comes out very naturally, and the nature of the interaction will define it.

Of course, I can’t speak for all pups.  But I can for myself. I’m a pup.  I was a pup even before I realized it consciously. I know this because of how I felt the first time I connected with my inner pup. That was a moment of realizing I had found a very key part of my true self. The specifics of how it happened aren’t important, what came out of it made all the difference in how I see myself within the community and defines much of the work I’ve done on its behalf.  And, paramount, is that while I’ve grown from the sub role in one D/s relationship to the Dom in a second one, those things that define the inner pup remain unchanged.

Sometimes I do things without even realizing it. For example: for many years now, I’ve kept a small rubber ball in one of the pockets of my leather jacket. It was put there so I could tell which jacket was mine when a bunch of leather biker jackets were all stored together. And over the years, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve pulled that same ball out of my pocket to play with it, even chase it across a parking lot if it got away from me. Anyone tried to take it, I would literally growl. Same if someone tries to take my chew toys.

The pup heart, like any other, isn’t defined by rationalization or categorizing. In the end, we’re all human, and any trait we think of is a human trait. What ultimately separates it from the other possibilities is how the pup sees and feels about himself and the acceptance of the rest of the community at that level. The pup heart, like all others, reaches its fullest potential and state of being when we all lay aside our pre-conceptions and notions and accept the heart for what’s in it.

CLAW: To my Pupbrothers - Thank You!

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that the thing I was most looking forward to at CLAW was the chance to get together with my brother and sister pups, for the classes and the pup events. I’ve said it elsewhere, and it’s important enough to me to bear repeating. Believe me, I was in no way disappointed! Not even the unfortunate shot to the shoulder during Saturday night’s mosh put a damper on that in any way.

I don’t know if I can adequately put into words everything I get from being part of this community. I feel such a strong bond of friendship and common ground with so many of the other pups. Although it doesn’t take much to bring out the playful pup in me under any circumstances, whenever I’m around my pupbrothers, it just bubbles out on its own. Even after 10+ years of being involved in the larger leather community, after a weekend among my brother and sister pups, I feel like it’s all brand new again.

It strikes me as odd just how much more intensely I’ve come to feel all of it over the last year. While my service and commitment to the pup community goes back further, it’s within the last year that it’s taken off so much for me. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s an incredible feeling that’s both re-energizing and humbling. Re-energizing because of just how fresh I feel when coming back out of puppy-time and how it re-focuses me on so many other things I do, both within the community and on the outside.

Humbling because I’m a part of something that is so much more than myself and brings together so many. Humbling because I’m accepted for who and what I am. And humbling because others see me as an alpha among so many with so much to offer.

I want to thank each and every one of you for what is – to me – a gift beyond price. I can only hope to give back a part of what you have all given me so far. I promise to do my best.

Like all of us, it’s back to the every day world for me. But I go knowing that I, as a pup, have a place where I know I belong!

CLAW 2013: What a Weekend!

Maybe now that things are a little less scattered in my mind I can begin to collect my thoughts. I tried several times yesterday. The words were there, but I couldn’t get them to come out in any way that made sense. Maybe it was that long stretch of road in front of us leading back to DC, knowing it was taking me back to the every day world. That it meant another CLAW was over and once again, I took away more than I brought with me.

It was definitely a great weekend. A weekend of catching up with old friends and making new ones, of fun and good times, and of opportunities to let loose my inner pup alongside my brother (and sister) pups. A weekend of being surrounded by hot leathermen and kinksters.  It passed so quickly, just like it always does, and I’m again amazed that so much got packed into so short a span of time.

And, yet, that same short span packs some potent seeds of change and growth.  Conversations that spark ideas, insights from others over a drink and a cigar, the beginnings of what I hope to be lasting friendships.  There are probably seeds I don’t even see yet. It’s a lot to sort through.

The thing that stands out most in my mind is watching at least two pups and a couple of already close friends begin taking their first steps into a larger world. Both have thanked me for being part of that, yet they gave me something of equal importance. In being part of their experiences, I got to see our community through new eyes again, to be reminded of where I’ve been.  By having the honor of being part of that, they helped strengthen my connection to my own roots. To be given the gift of such even grounding of myself is worth more than I can say.

I also got the chance to broaden my own horizons as a Dom to my boy, to learn more about his wants and needs and – hopefully – how to address them.  Boy Tom and I communicate very well, but there’s always room to learn and to grow. Both by direct communication and seeing his interaction with others, I got a few more pieces of that picture put in place.

I went into this weekend expecting an incredible experience. My first two were rich and rewarding; I expected the same from my third. My second saw me emotionally raw after being recently uncollared; this weekend allowed me to experience it all on a more even-keel. Once again, I left CLAW with far more than I arrived with (and not just from the vendor mart). I hope the seeds that were planted bear rich fruit.  

And I look forward to CLAW in 2014.